The Peaceful Home

Episode 28: The Messy Truth: Mom's Edition- Finding Balance within the Chaos!

May 17, 2022 Pamela Godbois
The Peaceful Home
Episode 28: The Messy Truth: Mom's Edition- Finding Balance within the Chaos!
Show Notes Transcript

Balancing the kid's needs with your own as a mom can seem impossible sometimes, so what do you do?

Say “screw it,” and only see to their needs, wants, and schedule demands.

Or maybe you are ready to learn to show up for you and for them, and to do so with love and compassion for yourself?

In this week's episode, I chat with Casey about all things balance, boundaries and getting clear on priorities. In the midst of stormy weather (literally this time), all things unfold exactly as they are supposed to. 

So listen in as we address the struggles of the season, and what to do about it. After all, Summer is coming, and with less structure, chaos can take over. 

If this episode inspired you in some way, take a screenshot of you listening on your device and post it to your Instagram Stories and tag us, @pamgodboiscoaching and @societyofmessymoms


In this episode you’ll hear:

  • The real struggle of trying to balance it all, both as stay-at-home moms, and busy working moms. 
  • How busy seasons and increased demand on you as a mom does not have to mean a negative experience. 
  • The work it takes to find the joy, connection, and peace amidst the chaos. 
  • Prioritizing and embracing the unconventional.
  • The benefits of choosing you over all the other beings in your life. 


LINKS: 

Facebook Group for Moms: https://www.facebook.com/groups/messybits


Connect with me:  Instagram, Facebook, and Tiktok

If you’re like “I love listening to Pam chat with guests.” Then head over and write a review! We really appreciate your support and it helps us to keep growing!!  https://pamgodbois.com/ApplePodcast Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. Be sure to tune in next week.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Pam:

In this week's episode. Of the messy truth, the mom's edition of the out of your mind podcast. Casey. And I had a chance to sit down and chat about trying to find the balance between all of the kids' activities. And there's a huge increase this time of year. With your own needs as a human being so that you can be the best mom that you could possibly be. Let's dive in All right. So here we are episode, number three, have the messy truth. All the mom things, all the mom thing. Yeah. And before we have to on for a hit record, we were just talking about The season of all the extras as a mom. And I feel like this happens every year where like it's, mother's day let's focus on moms and moms have the ability to, take five seconds for themselves. And then we get thrown a headlong into. Seven days a week of activities with

Casey:

sports, the end of school year stuff. Yes. Field trips.

Pam:

Like you're like, oh, I got this bag go on that field trip. Do I really have to chaperone? All of those, all of those struggles and it's so hard to balance, and especially as moms, I feel like we though there's the whole guilt piece of I should do this thing. I should be at all the end of the year stuff at the school.

Casey:

It should be volunteering. I should be making shit and 3000 degrees out, but doing volunteering at all the things, which some of it is fun, but having to do.

Pam:

All of it. Why, if, I mean this component of being a feeling obligated to show or wanting to do it, right. There's a totally a difference right. I have to versus I get to and some of it's exciting and I always feel like your boys are little and this is Oliver's first kind of like I was literally, I was baseball so much. I was just gonna

Casey:

say, We're in the beginning stages of where. It's a blast right now, we're having so much fun with it. Watching him thrive has been to date like one of my greatest parenting joys, because he's just elated. Every time he picks up a bat or puts his glove on anything like that, he's having the time of his life and watching him thrive and all of his, he has an awesome baseball team. The parents are great. So it's like a genuinely fun experience going to his practices and games. But I can also understand that potentially five years from now, it might be a different story. Or if you have dud parents, sitting on the bleachers with you, that it would become more of like a. We have practice again tonight.

Pam:

I was thinking about those families that have multiple kids in activities. So your youngest is still a young for those exactly team sports, but there's going to come a time. I'm sure where you're going to have one playing at one field in town, right. And one may be even being out of town and you guys having to split duty or somebody that hires babysit. Yeah,

Casey:

it's tough. Cause you, you can't always be in every place that you need to be and something's got to give on certain nights or weekends, whatever. Cause you can't be in all the places all the

Pam:

time. Yeah. And then, uh, one of the things that we've talked about is trying to balance out life with like my own life and my wanting to spend time with my friends and then have. Baseball or karate or whatever other activities our kids are doing. Five nights a week and then Saturdays, most of the day, and then, you've got Sunday and you've got, uh, at this time there's, for most of us, kids are still in school. And so you've got the like Marlene said to me yesterday, I feel like this weekend was a second long. Yeah. I just want to sit here and relax and I'm like, yeah, I know, but you have to do your homework. It's a hard, it's a hard balance this time of year. It is. It's

Casey:

funny. Anthony looked at our calendar yesterday and we're, I'm enjoying being more social and doing more things because we had been cooped up and not done a whole lot for a couple of years. But summertime with coming summertime, it feels like it's already summer because of our suite 90 degree days that we just had. But looking at the calendar, he was like, we don't have there's, there's not a day without something on the calendar for

Pam:

a while. And

Casey:

that's like stressing you out that we don't have a day to just do whatever.*****And for me I'm like, yeah, It's cool. It's fun. It's exciting. Cause it's social and blah, blah, blah. But it is that season where there's a lot happening.

Pam:

Yeah. And I think, just thinking about the conversations we've had previously about you having the ability to be at home with the boys and not having. And I'm just thinking about the contrast between you being like, this is great. I mean, Anthony being like, oh my God. Right? Because he lives like he lives,

Casey:

he specifically said I live by a calendar all week at work where I need to be what job I'm going to. And for me, I didn't mean to cut you off, but that, that's why he. That is why it was giving him anxiety because he's no, man. Now weekends and nights are filling up and I have to live my calendar at home too. And totally for me, I'm like,

Pam:

this is cool. It's

Casey:

fun. We're doing things like outside of the house and we are leaving and blah, blah, blah, by the end of the summer, I'll probably be tired of it. But right now I'm. It's not bothering me, like it's bothering him.

Pam:

Right. And it just thinking about the moms that are, that are working outside of the house currently and trying to balance all of that and just thinking about, and I think Anthony's a good example of that. And Jeff runs into the same thing and it hasn't runs with the same thing with working. Monday through Friday, and then me being like, we've got a dog as well, who goes to daycare. So it's his job to pick up the dog. And, you have a conflict. We have some nights where there's where everything runs smoothly. And we had a month ago, my mom was flying back from before. And I'm, uh, flying into Boston and my sister who lives near her was going to pick her up. And that day, my sister tested positive for COVID and couldn't pick her up. So it was the day that's like I picked Marley up at school and we have to get straight to karate because she. The class and then takes a class and Jeff gets the dog. And so it was like just kind of playing with those. I have one child and a dog and I worked from home and that was overwhelming. I can't even imagine like having multiple children and multiple activities all over the place and working outside of the home. I can't imagine households where both parents were working outside of the home and trying to manage all that and have a life and have an opportunity as like a mother to have. The time to recharge.

Casey:

Totally. And I, I think about the things that I've run into in terms of, quote unquote, not feeling like I have the time to carve out being with my kids all the time, but yeah, it, you can look at it from a whole different lens or through a whole different lens than. I, my heart goes out to, those moms, because I, I do feel like I'm struggling, juggling some of the things that my family does, but I do have the luxury of being free to do it, and it, that gains. That provides some perspective for me, for sure. Yeah. Thinking of it, of

Pam:

those

Abram:

moms.

Casey:

Cause then there's guilt associated there because they, that, that specific mom is not able to do as much as she might want to for. Her kids extracurriculars and well, I'm working until six, so I can't be at the ball field or soccer field or field hockey or whatever it is. And I don't, I literally don't have the opportunity to volunteer at school or, bring food in for teacher appreciation week, like all of those types of things. Let alone recharging ourselves, right? Carving out the time for any sort of filling your own bucket time.

Pam:

Yeah. Oh my gosh. The teacher appreciation week at that always seems to land for us the week after school vacation. And I remember when Marley was in elementary school and get emails about teacher appreciation week. That was, I was like, no, I'm not doing anything. I did nothing. Sorry, sorry, teachers. And it's not because I don't appreciate them it's because I can't remember. Uh, because of course, emails have come out in March for teacher appreciation week in may. And I was like, yeah, there's no way in hell. I'll remember to do things. So I said that I would do, and then I'll be scrambling and stressed and yeah, sometimes it's, I don't like when people say to me, how do you feel about having one kid versus multiple kids? And I don't think I could handle more than one child. Thank you. I don't think I'm wired that way

Casey:

a lot. I thought I wanted three and I. I still have twinges every now and then, but the more independent they become and the phase of life that we are in yeah, I don't think I can,

Abram:

I can

Casey:

go back and we got, we've got a good thing going, I don't want to shake up the dynamic that we have, but it's yeah, I kind of can't imagine having more than two at this point, because I being feeling split in multiple directions is right. Gets amplified. The more kids

Pam:

are involved. Yeah. And that was one of the reasons why I actually didn't have more than one is. But you know, this, then some of those there's other smiley was nine weeks early. And I remember sitting in the NICU for those five and a half weeks that I was in there with her and seeing all these other families where mom was in the NICU. And there were three kids at home with dad. And I was like, I can't imagine, I can't imagine leaving this baby who I just currently had for The next baby, if I have to sit in it and sit in the NICU for five weeks, like who do I choose? What work? Who do I neglect? I mean, that was what was going on from, in my own, in my own story, my own journey. Yeah, I just. It's so hard and just, I mean, that just becomes amplified through life. Right? It becomes amplified as your parenting. And you're like, they start, they get to an age where they're both playing sports and one's at a, has a game and, Northern New Hampshire and one has a game in Massachusetts and you're like, okay, well you

Casey:

go here and I'll go there.

Pam:

And I'll swap off and, and we know we know this because. We've been in these positions, all of us by right. Like we all keep score. Right? Like I can recall times in my life keeping score. Uh, in the sense that well, my mom went to this thing when my dad didn't go, he went to my sister's this thing. And he went to more things with that, with that sibling than he did with me. We, we develop these stories because that's where we live when we're kids, that's our whole world. And not wanting to repeat those. I think, I think about that stuff. Then the average human being, because I'm a therapist and I see, I've see now, uh, those stories can create, uh, lots of emotional struggles for us as adults, as we get older. But I mean, there's, there's all these, all these pieces of the struggle and the guilt and the overwhelm and the stress. And what do you do with it? Like how do you reach, how do you actually recharge in these situations?

Casey:

That's the million dollar question. It's very, I think it's just this underlying thing that we're all

Pam:

trying to

Casey:

figure out because I think. There's more awareness surrounding mental health these days then in, past decades. And we realize that we might not be feeling fulfilled. And even if women, back in the day, didn't feel fulfilled or they felt burnt out, it was just like, It w it was fine. It was just fine because they had to do what was expected of them. And they had to fit this role and all that. But I think we are just breaking down stereotypical roles and trying to do, trying to not be that burnt out person. Right. Who that leaves you feeling like. I keep using this term, but pouring from an empty cup. And it just, because it doesn't work, it doesn't leave you feeling fulfilled and happy and you can start parenting an existing out of resentment and anger and coming from places that are not healthy. And, I find when I am actually taking the time for myself that. I'm an overall better person. I parent differently. I wife, differently friend differently because I feel whole, I feel good. I am exuding that goodness out rather than just like I'm fried, I'm complaining and raising my voice more. I'm not like the loving, empathetic mom.

Pam:

Like short tempered. And I

Casey:

like, that's not who I want to be. And I hate when I get to that point. So it's, it is, it's hard to carve out the space and time to fill yourself back up. But man, when you can, and it becomes a priority, it's everything shifts.

Pam:

Yeah. And you, I think about, Like parenting a 13 year old, right. People always say to me like, oh, parenting at 13 year olds feels bad for you. Oh, it's gotta be awful. I actually like her as a human being. So it's good. But the, I only like her as a human being because I have done my own work and I do me first. And I'm able to see through the 13 year old behaviors because they exist. Like Marley's not perfect. She's not, I'm not like my 13 year old is neck, like a 13 year old. She has like a 13 year old. I mean, sometimes she acts like a 45 year old, but there's still like the 13 year old in there. Right. And so, just thinking about some of the conversations I've had recently with my husband about just

Abram:

some of the stupid

Pam:

idiosyncratic, like 13 year old bullshit. And and how many times I have to go, okay. If I yell at her. And tell her to move her ass or to just do the thing that I'm asking her to do. Or if I pushed back from my, like a conflictual place, I know that all that's going to do is amp her up because she's there, she's got the ability to regulate. She doesn't have those skills yet. And that's fine. I think the other thing is that we sometimes, when we have children that have the capacity to speak to us as if they are adults, which happens young, late, right? You, you have one of those. Sometimes I'm like old, are you again? We sometimes forget how old they are and where they are developmentally. And so that happens. I feel like a lot with adolescents and teenagers preteens and that whole age group.

Abram:

And

Pam:

Just thinking about like yesterday, for instance, she had been, she had been baking all weekend and she was like, I'm just tired. And I want to sit and relax and I was like, that's okay. And you have your Sunday, George's vacuuming. You have, the dishwasher is full and you need to empty that. Uh, you have to finish up your home. You have math homework that you didn't finish on Friday, the weekends I'm busy and you were like, I'll just put it off and I'll do it later. So you don't have to do that. And it was like three o'clock yesterday. And she was like, what? I just want to relax. And I was like, okay, I understand that. Yep. I just want to remind you that you have to do these things eventually. And so if you put them off until eight o'clock tonight, you're going to be mad. You put it off until eight o'clock tonight, because we've been here before, right? Like I had to go down that road with her and remind her and be like, remember the last time you did that. And I said, do it whenever you want. And then you waited. And remember what happened with that? And she's like,

Abram:

when she got up

Pam:

and did her math emptied, the dishwasher vacuumed, and then she came and she sat on the couch and hung out and watched TV when she was like, oh, I'm glad that's done. I'm like, maybe I felt like feeling, maybe that's gratitude. You're grateful that you got those things done, so you don't have to do them later. And she just rolled her eyes at me because she's 13, right? She's lost 13 year old behaviors, but there are so many times that her response is like, that is how she responds to things. When. You've said it to her like five times and she doesn't want to hear it anymore. And my husband who I love dearly and try so hard, he's just never been a 13 year old girl. And so he I'll say, Hey, I need you to empty the dishwasher and she won't respond, but I know she heard me and it's fine. I don't need her to respond. I'm just like saying, Hey, I need you to have to do. And he'll say, did you hear her? She wants to, you need to empty the dishwasher. Did you hear that? And he'll be like, yes, I heard it yelling at me yesterday. I'm upstairs. And I'm like, what is going on down there? And the dad yelled at me for something and, and I only heard her voice raised. I have no idea. And it was something like, I don't remember what it was. It was so ridiculous. And I was in hysterics, upstairs laughing because I was like, oh my God, you guys seriously. Yeah, it's a, it's all

Casey:

a trip and it, it really getting on their level is so it's,

Pam:

it's crazy. The difference that that

Casey:

makes my youngest who's now almost five is he has been going through some of the. I think his growth spurt, developmental stuff, for sure. But in the heat of the moment, when you're dealing with an unpleasant behavior, it can be hard sometimes to remind yourself that. So I've been trying very consciously. Okay. He's going through some stuff. He's probably over tired, whatever. But he's typically we're out of the, like pitching a fit over things, not going our way and we can rationalize and we talk it out and explain why said thing is not happening, but he has been like, when the answer to something is not to his liking, it has become full blown, not all the time, but sometimes crying fake crying, which really chaps my ass, forcing crocodile tears type, and like stomping out of the room. Who are you? But again, I either I'll tell him that I'm going to give him time. Calm his body down and we'll chat when he's ready. There certainly been times that I have met that with fire and it, it all, it does. His optives get higher. My opt-ins get higher and louder and it doesn't work. Yeah. So, He can typically be calmed down just by talking through things, but yeah. And same, same with Oliver. Who's almost eight. He, when you can, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to not be reactive. I know for myself, I'm sure for a lot of people too, but when I am present, And I'm able to meet that with like rational parenting and not coming from a place of are you even kidding me

Pam:

right now? Are you serious? Why what's happening?

Casey:

Oh yeah. Not even eight years old, you're not even five years old. Right. You got big feelings. You don't know how to articulate them all the time. Sometimes, we've talked, we live in our fields in our house. So we, we talk a lot about our emotions and how to navigate them for sure. But it's. Like they're kids, they're not grown ass adults, grown ass adults still have a hard time regulating their feelings and emotions. So how can I expect that my kids are not going to fly off the handle sometimes it's okay.

Pam:

Well, well, right. What you're talking about is exactly the recognition of as a parent, not reacting to your kids, big emotions or fire with more fire or more big emotions. And you're like, okay, I recognize that these are little humans that are still trying to figure this shit out, but so were we as adults? Yeah. That's the reason you're stuck in that, in that, like, how do I react? Do I try to overpower them? Do I take things away? Do we give them consequences for their actions and their behaviors and all of those things? And it's interesting that you use the word, the language of fire. And it brings me like my teaching in yoga. I always teach from an elemental place, right? So there's like earth grounded. There's like water flow fire, which is like the heat and strength and everything. And there's air, which is like lightness and expression and joy and all that stuff. And so all three other, all the other elements, all three of them. Uh, outside of fire can calm fire and we know this, we do it instinctively, right? So sometimes it's Okay. We need to get down on the ground and talk lower and be in a soothing, steady place and kind of like some more stillness. And sometimes we need to be like giving them hugs and rocking them, which is like water. And sometimes we like cracked. Which is there, right? But in any of those places, depending on your, your kids, the situation, the experience that's going on, any of those things can help pull all of you out of the fire. But when you just add to it, when you step into your own fire, which is in fire, isn't just like being angry or

Abram:

getting loud or crying or whatever. Fire can also be.

Pam:

Like I have a belief that I deserve respect and your behavior behavior is disrespectful. And so I'm going to stand, I'm going to stand and stand my ground and my firmness and say, no, this is the consequence to your actions. And I think that sometimes as parents, we, we talked about, we've talked about like the, the older generations and grandparents and great-grandparents and like the, the remember my dad,

Abram:

oh my God.

Pam:

I remember my dad, my, uh, like with one of my nephews was having some behavioral stuff going on and my dad was like smack his ass and told him to like, he was, he was, you just need to take control. And then I'm like in the corner laughing, going on, it's never gonna work. It's never gonna work. It was like a Tuesday. My nephew's probably like 10 or something. I don't know. But big enough that he could fight back if you just do. Right. And so. Lay a foundation of teaching our children, how to communicate healthy, which means we need to model that.

Casey:

Absolutely. And I think, of when my kids are teenagers, you're into that realm right now and will continue to be navigating big kid stuff, and I just, I never, there are times that I am monitor the way that. Reacting, because all I want is my kids to always be able to talk to me. Yeah. I never want to do something or react in a way that they think that I'm not a safe space to tell all the things, things that I'm sure with teenagers that I don't want to know, but tell me anyway, I will pull up the bootstraps and we'll get through it together. But I never, I always want to be their safe place to land that makes me want to cry though.

Pam:

Like just that wreck like that, that being the driver, what's your driving force in parenting. That's your driving force in parenting. It's going to influence and impact the decisions that you make and the way in which you parent. And then you're like, okay, well I want to be a safe place to land. And that means that I can't be overwhelmed. A basket case, right. I can't be like hiding

Casey:

the things I'm working to. Like I'm absolutely recognizing the importance of that because I'm there in such a stage now that. We're out of the baby stage in my house, which is pulls at my heart strings for sure. But now we're in this, like we're developing, we're becoming small humans and I want to be putting into the world wonderful people to add to the chaotic world. And in order to do that, I like, I need to be good. And I.'cause in, in doing that my own work. I'm able to parent so much more effectively, so much better because it's coming from a place of actual love and nurturing and all of the good things, rather than this is exhausting. This is a task I have to do. This is, parenting is, parenting is absolutely hard work, but it, it feels like less. When you're fully present and you're able to be coming at it from that perspective rather than. Oh, here we go. It's another day it's, uh, same shit, different day type of attitude, rather than I get to be the parent to my kids who are like cool. Funny. A little

Pam:

people and they're like,

Casey:

they're at a stage age ages as they're, beginning to really just become their own selves. They're just fun to hang out with. They're funny. They're, they've got some of my. Sarcasm that

Pam:

I so

Casey:

appreciate, like when they bust out with some of the things that they say, like I'm talking about, but it's, it's very interesting seeing the. As I continued to grow and shift, I've never thought of myself as, being a bad parent, certainly, but I've, I have noticed such a difference as I dive into. My being aware about myself and the way that I'm parenting, the, the things that I'm doing, the things that I'm saying, it, it really creates such a dramatic change when it's coming from a more positive and well balanced place, which may seem like a well, duh, but seeing it in action is it's been it's rewarding and it's the whole positive breeds, positive thing. It makes you want to do better more often,

Pam:

right? I mean, when you think about is a really like basic, simple, straightforward example that most of us have experienced as moms, like trying to hear kids out of the house in the morning to go to school or to go to daycare, to go to camp or casket. Cause that's coming right for, for those kids that are at that age where they're, you got summer camp and all those, those components. W I know we talked about this in the winter, right? With all the snow clothes and all the extra stuff and all the things, but trying to get your kids out of a house in the morning can be an absolute nightmare or an absolute breeze. And there's

Abram:

not a whole lot of in between. And

Pam:

the absolute nightmare days, if we go back and reflect upon them most

Abram:

often, is

Pam:

this story. As the parents in the space, right. Because chances are, if your kids, you're like, oh my kid hasn't didn't sleep well this weekend. Well, we all know this as parents, right? When your kid doesn't sleep, who else doesn't sleep? Yeah. I don't know very many kids that are. Certainly elementary school age that are just like chilling in their rooms when they can't sleep in the middle of the night and leaving you to mom to be like, oh no, no, I don't want to interrupt moms. Nope, not right. So, whether it's tired, whether it's, uh, uh, overwhelmed with. Just irritable or, maybe we get to another Monday morning and you're like, oh my, I thought I was going to have time to myself this weekend. And there's another weekend that I didn't have the opportunity. And our weekday schedule is so busy or my husband's at work and works late or whatever the case may be. And, when am I going to have time for me? And I have to wait for another, another break.

Abram:

And so all of

those

Pam:

components feed into the outcomes they feed into the like how smoothly we get out of the house in the morning.

Casey:

It's very true. And you're setting, those mornings. And I, I went through a phase probably a few months ago that I felt like that that was kind of peak me feeling for ride. Like living on a hamster wheel. And I wasn't like getting outside of myself enough to figure out exactly why or what direction to move in. So it's far better now, but I remember like starting the day, that way, just like here we are again. And just being like,

Abram:

I don't

Casey:

know, bitter or not bitter, but just not. Not starting a good starting off on a good note. And it, it was. Because of me and not anything really that my kids were doing, their kids, right. It's our morning routine is pretty simple. We don't have a ton of things to, because only one of them is going to school right now. We tend to do everything the night before in terms of like packing the backpack and all that. So yeah, those mornings that were, that are a struggle are typically. Of the one run on the ship.

Pam:

Yeah. And even just sometimes we don't take into consideration and this is something that happens in this house. A lot. My husband never takes us into consideration because it's not in his wheelhouse, his energy. Right. So a really simple example is Marley's been eating breakfast uh, for the last, I dunno, handful of weeks which she hadn't been for, like basically the whole school year. So. Uh, she's this is what I want for breakfast. Okay. Whatever. She's been eating oatmeal because she just makes herself it's easy. She uses the hot water from the coffee button. No big deal. So Jeff's trying to help her this morning. And he says, you want two packets of oatmeal. And she's I don't eat two packets of oatmealy one packet of oatmeal. And maybe she wasn't that aggressive and annoyed with it, the first response. But he like talked over her. And kind of was like, you should eat two packets of oatmeal and then she escalated from there and I'm like, can't you just like, why can't you just be like, okay. Yeah, my bad thought, you're eating two packets. Sorry about that. No big deal, but it has this, they have this thing, this, they have this thing where it's and he, and I can't put my finger on it. And I keep saying, he'll say things like she needs to respect me. And I'm like,

Abram:

okay.

Pam:

So, what are you gonna do about that and his answer. And I I can go back she's 13 and I can go back to as far back as I can even think of when, once she was able to talk, this is where this is where it began. Once she could talk and express her own opinion about things he's been like, you need to tell her to listen to me. And I'm like, okay.

Abram:

No. So my job in

Pam:

which brings us to like the idea of, of boundaries, right? And we talked about this last week, we had a meeting and not about the podcasts, but about other stuff about like carrying the mental load and the, all the things right. And how we just kind of take it on naturally. And so being able to put boundaries in place, and we talked about this in last week's podcast as well, but being able to put boundaries in place and being able to say Hey, that's not my job. They're not willing to do that. Hey, I'm not willing to show up in that way. These are the things that I can do and sticking with that is really important as moms, because.

Abram:

Nobody is going to have their

Pam:

own freewill. Be like, Hey, you know

Abram:

what,

Pam:

mom, I think you have a little bit on your too much on your plate. Let me take some of that off your plate. Right? Like your kid's not just going to walk up to you and be like, oh, you're doing the dishes. You have a lot to do. Let me take over doing the dishes. This is not going to happen. This is not how we're wired. Right. So we need to advocate for ourselves. And that might mean, but in advocating for ourselves, teaching the human beings that we're raising to be. Responsible human beings. Yeah. And I don't mean responsible, like how many I get a job. I mean like responsible for their own selves. Yeah. And whether that's teaching your kids to make their bed or clean up their clothes and put them in the hamper, like how many moms out there oh my God, if they could just find a hamper, that would be great. And I, I mean, I go through that Marley at 13, when we've tried it, we put a hamper in her room. We put it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. The clothes always enter on the floor until I say, Hey, if you want your clothes wash, you should probably put them in the laundry basket and then they'll find their way to the laundry basket. Yeah. But that's the only thing that gets her because she doesn't have an intrinsic need to have her room. Right. She's I don't care. I don't care if my clothes are on my floor and I don't pick them up for her. And by the way, the laundry basket is directly outside of her door. It's not like she doesn't have, she doesn't have to walk to the next town to get her laundry in the laundry basket. It's literally like she has to, she doesn't want to bend over. She could just kick her clothes to go wood floors. She could kick her clothes out the door and into the hallway. And there is the, the laundry.

Abram:

Well, hello

Casey:

storm action Bruin.

Pam:

So

Abram:

being able to have

Pam:

a voice and being able to say no, I'm cool that we're encouraging our kids to do that. Right. We're encouraging our children to find their voice for sure. Stand up for themselves. Yeah.

Abram:

Have opinions. So it's

Pam:

interesting. This is always cracks me up. We want our kids to have opinions, right? So you think about it. Like how many times have you said to your kid, what do you want to eat? What

Abram:

movie do you want to watch?

Pam:

Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? What toys you want to play with? And they've said, I don't

Abram:

know. I don't know.

Pam:

And I have that a lot and Marley's always been like that 13, but always prior to that, I'm not really sure what I want to do. And. What's interesting. Is that what I came to realize is that my husband was always directing her. Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? So then when it was up to her, she was like, I don't know. And she's also learned that I don't know, gets her help and support. I don't know what to choose. And, and I say to her, and then I'm like, did you forget who you were talking to? And she was like, oh yeah, I guess that. Okay, great. But when we give her, when we ask her children to have a voice and we don't train it out of them, by saying, I'm going to tell you what to do. Then they go out into the world and they're able to have a voice to stand up for themselves. But if we make all those decisions for them, I don't even know like how many adults do you know that are like, I, I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation with, with women in particular that are like,

Casey:

I don't know what I like.

Abram:

I don't know what I want to do.

Pam:

I don't know. I don't know what is important to me. I don't know what, I don't know the answer to that question. I'm not clear on that. I can't get clear on that and certainly should happens in between and becoming a mom shifts that, but like in general, if you walk into motherhood, not knowing that. Not having an idea of who your identity is like. And as a struggle, by the way, like from a mental health perspective, that is a very normal struggle for adolescents. It's what you see. Like Marley's in seventh grade, you see it in seventh grade. I teach, I talked to her all about that all the time. It's super normal for people to be like, I don't know who I am and where I fit. So the more that you can encourage your kids to have a voice and get comfortable in who they are and where they fit. And accept them at that place. The easier it's going to be when they get to seventh grade, which for any parents out there that are listening, that whose children have not gotten to seventh grade yet seventh grade is kind of like the pinnacle of health when it comes to developmental phases, right? Yes, there are bigger problems and they get beyond that. But that is the, there's the emotional stuff, educational stuff, all the things kind of, we got a culmination at seventh grade. And so if you can get. If you can have your own opinion and your own voice, you can encourage your children to have their own opinion, their own voice things shift. But this the struggle from a parenting perspective, I. In my experience, what I've seen around what do we do here? How do we balance out all of our kids' stuff? Our kids' activities, our kids is we've gotta get clear on our priorities. We have to get clear on. What's really important. And, and I know all the moms that are listening to be like, my kids are really important, but again, I'm going back to, you got to do you,

Casey:

are you not for of course, most of us, his parents are, our kids are. Of the utmost importance

Pam:

to us. Right. But you

Casey:

can't be the best version of yourself as a parent without taking care of yourself.

Pam:

And you've gotta, you gotta make some choices along the way, right? Like you've gotta, Like Marlene has a concert next week. And the middle school has so many concerts, but I think this is the last one of the year, although she's not really sure. And it's supposed to be like a big thing in the email. I got said, it's a big thing. So I'm like, and I tried to go to her like performances. I try to show up for her like big tests and karate, that kind of stuff, but I don't feel the need anymore to go to karate and watch her write every practice. And maybe when she started out, I was like, this is so cool. This is so exciting. And I did karate with her initially. So it was like less of a, it was more of an us thing. But there's gonna come a time where you're able to be like, I don't have to go to every baseball practice. Right. Because dad's home and he's taking you or he's this, this isn't coach and he's going to be there. And so we don't have to be there. It's okay. Because I'm going to take this time to do this other thing. Exactly. And maybe that means you're going to take time to do something with another kid. Right. And in your situation, you've got another childhood home that was not involved in, uh, sports. Or maybe that means you're going to have the opportunity to take some time for yourself, or you're just going to be like, this gives me the chance to do some meal prepping or whatever the things are. It doesn't matter. You get to choose, but you get to decide. When you just continue to go, I'll just go to everything because I think it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm going to go to every birthday party that they get invited to. I'm going to go to every sporting event or activity. I'm going to go to every practice and rehearsal of everything under the sun. Uh, what happens is we show up and are unable to take care of ourselves because we've got nothing left. And the best that we can possibly do is like crawl into bed at night and be like, Ooh,

Abram:

right.

Pam:

We've got to decide what's really important. And it's okay to have conversations with your kids about it. So can say Hey, uh, you've got baseball practice and you've got this and you've got this this week, which do you, which do you like. If you choose one for me to go to, which would it be? Yeah. And the other piece is, as your kids get older and like you might be in the place where Casey, you were just saying, like, all of her is living this baseball thing and we've got nothing else. I mean, we don't have any other things going on. It's fine. It works. Or you can go and watch the games. And he's had a couple games a week. It's a very short season. So everything's packed in really tight together. But there's also the component of the kids get a little bit older and you're like, do I have to go to two games a week? Do I personally have to go to book games? Or could I be at home during one of those games or whatever, whatever the case may be. But I, there was a woman that I was a woman that I went to a self-care it's not what she called it workshop. I don't remember. And she had two little kids. She was a social worker and she was like, I hire babysitters for birthday parties. So anytime our kid gets invited to a birthday party and you take your kids to the birthday party and you stay right. And she's I hired a babysitter. I'm like a regular babysitter who takes them. And she's it's the best thing I've ever. Because it allows me like how much, I mean, sometimes it's especially when they're young, you're like, these are my friends. Right. And so I wanna spend time with them, but like often, especially the classmate and you don't know the crew, who's going to be there and you have to then sit around painfully and make small talk. Yeah. And even if that's your jam, even if you're like, I'm fine with that. No big deal. Imagine the three hours you can give back by hiring babysitters.

Casey:

I so much of it is really just reframing certain aspects of our lives that could be delegating household stuff to either your kids or your partner, if you have one and that's something that. I'm starting to do things that I would just take on because, oh, well this is my responsibility. This is what I do. This is my thing. I'm realizing how again, we've talked about this in one of the last episodes, but it becomes, it comes from a place of resentment sometimes or become it's something that creates resentment, because guess I'll do. All the household stuff, because I'm the stay at home parent. And my husband's great and tries to, help out. But we're in a place where, I need, I need to actively, and just his personality. He helps out with things that he like thinks of. And I, that doesn't. That probably sounds bad, but he's just, he's not, he's wired differently. There are things that I see around the house or that I do that I'm like wired to do, but then it annoys me that I'm the only one doing it. And it's literally as simple sometimes as me asking him to do it instead. Right. And he'll, he'll be like, yeah, absolutely. No problem. It's not like he's begrudgingly helping out. It's just that he's, he's not as aware of certain things as I am. And it's some of the construct that has been created and perpetuated. In our life. So realizing that's, that's a piece for me, that's those are conversations that I've had with him. And it's just okay, that's one less task that I have to think about right now. Or, there are definitely, there have been practices that I haven't gotten to because I'm like, I just there's either stuff around the house that needed to be done. Or I just want to sit for two and a half hours. So take both kids and I'm gonna. Right. Bye. Yeah, but it's, it's really, I think the biggest piece is just knowing that you're going to be having to make some sacrifices or decisions that are not always easy and just reframing some of the, your day to day. If you look at your day and what's what needs to happen, what's going on. Eliminate something that is not of dire need. If you're just doing this thing, because you think you need to, or it's something that could be prolonged and it doesn't have to get done today. Utilize your time differently, prioritize your time differently because it's the time for, for a lot of us is there, it's an option. It's just making yourself. Top priority.

Pam:

Yeah. The whole idea around I don't have enough time for other going with that would be nice, but I don't have the time. Or if you've ever thought that about any of the, any of the work, your own work is that if you don't feel like you have enough time, the issue is not the time that you have the issue is your relationship with time. Totally. Right. And sometimes you have to decide. You have to make a choice. Is it more important to me to sit on the couch and watch reruns of friends or something? Or is it more important for me to go do something that like lights me up? Yeah. Or, and you were talking about like the household responsibilities and, and one of the things that I've done. And I lost my housekeeper in the middle of COVID. I didn't lose her. She didn't go, she didn't disappear. She moved. That sounded awful. She didn't die or anything. She's totally fine. But she got married and she moved and is not available to clean the house anymore. And so I'm like, oh, I'm to find somebody else. And there was like a, there was like a period of time where I was like, well, I do work from home now. I guess I could be doing the things. And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's not how I want to be studying my time. Yeah. It's okay to be like, I don't want to be spending my time this way. And so I'm going to hire somebody to take care of them. It hurts me to take my kids to birthday parties, or I'm going to hire somebody to clean my house or hire somebody to mow my lawn, or I'm going to hire us or whatever, whatever the things are. Right. Whatever it is. It's, I'm going to hire somebody to do my laundry. Right. We don't, we don't live in a place where Where that kind of stuff is convenient from a distance perspective, but there are a lot of people that do live right down the street from places like Washington folds. Right. I can't tell you how many times I've driven by Washington folds and gone, man. I should just do that. That would make my life easier. And my husband's no, no, no. I'll do the laundry. But there will come a time where I'll convince them to just go to the wash and fold and be done with it because there is so much to be said for wouldn't it be nice. For the time that you have outside of the tasks that you have to do or that you get to do, right? That's the language I like to use the task to get to do you make a choice to do, wouldn't it be nice to have time where you can actually just be spending time with your family and connecting with your friends and taking care of yourself and nurturing all of the pieces of you. Body, mind, spirit, your physical, emotional, spiritual health, and wellbeing. Wouldn't that be? Absolutely. And the only thing that's getting in the way is our relationship to the things that we say. But then you say I can't do that because that, because everything that comes after, because is the struggle is your relationship with that thing. So that might be worth looking at absolutely I'm out of time, a too much money, whatever, it's my job, because I'm a stay at home mom or an

Casey:

unraveling. Those pieces is. Part of the whole awareness piece that we were talking about, that if you just keep doing the same thing, perpetuating all of the same stuff, you literally start to feel like you're on a hamster wheel. It's not, life is just a series of tasks. It's not a fulfilling, it becomes less fulfilling. Right. And that's sad. Yeah, lucky like we have, and this is talking big picture here, but life is short. Yes. It goes by in a blink. We don't know how long any of us have on this earth. Random and tragic. Crazy shit happens all the time. Yep. Let's like, get present. Let's live in the now let's do what fills us up now to be the best version of ourselves. And I know that. Like a quote that you might read on a wall that you're like, Ooh, really? But it's it's, it's so true. And if you, if you just start doing the work or diving into it, it's not always all that complicated. It can take just a few like different shifts in your day to day life. For me, that's what's happening. Going away to a retreat for three months to do, to get centered, I'm doing it a midst of kind of chaotic life and time, but I'm, I feel so much better. Like I'm coming into myself again or for the first time as at, in this stage in life and it it's great. And it's. Simply started from talking about it more raising my own awareness of some of the things that are going on and why they're going on and having fortunate, I'm very fortunate in my life having great support around me, but it, it really, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to feel like a huge undertaking that you can't carve out the time to, to take care of yourself because. It's just, I'm done wasting time feeling blah. Yeah. And that's the bottom line.

Pam:

Yeah. I love that. I feel like that's there it is done, done wasting time feeling blocked and I feel, yeah, we have this opportunity to like, decide how we want to feel and do that. Yeah. Cultivate more of that. Why not? Why not flourish? Yeah. Why not love your life every moment of it. Exactly. All right guys. So if you're either listening, I'm assuming you're a mom. If you listen to this point in the podcast, you're probably a mom. And speaking of having a community that is there to support you, we have started a Facebook group. And so we will link that up. The messy truth. Facebook group and we will link that up in the show notes so that you can join us. As we talk more about this stuff, walk this walk a little bit more and offer some tips and strategies and just a space for people to be able to ask questions and support each other. So we would love to see you there. I think that's it for now. Do you have anything else? I'm feeling good, feeling good, feeling solid. Sweet. All right. Well, thanks guys. Take care and we'll see you soon. Bye bye.