The Peaceful Home

Ep 39 Mom's Practicing Balance and Boundary Setting to Raise Amazing Humans with Casey

July 27, 2022 Pamela Godbois
The Peaceful Home
Ep 39 Mom's Practicing Balance and Boundary Setting to Raise Amazing Humans with Casey
Show Notes Transcript

When Casey & I sit down and start talking about motherhood and parenting, we never know what we are going to get. We don’t know where we are going or how we will get there. But in truth, isn’t THAT motherhood? The messy path from “oh yay I’m going to be a mom…” to “are you f-ing kidding me?” 

The beauty is, its life, and our tiny humans are forgiving (mostly).  So it’s okay to stumble along, I mean that’s what we did. So we want to share with you some of the wisdom we have learned along the way, and today’s episode is ALL about finding balance and how setting boundaries in all aspects of your life, really is in your kid’s best interest. 

We will break down the process, share some funny stories, and really embrace the idea of modeling as the best form of parenting. 

If this episode inspired you in some way, take a screenshot of you listening on your device and post it to your Instagram Stories and tag us, @pamgodboiscoaching and @societyofmessymoms 


LINKS: 

Facebook Group for Moms: https://www.facebook.com/groups/messybits

On Instagram: The Society of Messy Moms


Connect with me:  Instagram, Facebook, and Tiktok

If you’re like “I love listening to Pam chat with guests.” Then head over and write a review! We really appreciate your support and it helps us to keep growing!!  https://pamgodbois.com/ApplePodcast Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. Be sure to tune in next week.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

On this week's episode of the out of your mind podcast. Casey and I are at it again. We're taking a dive into summertime parenting. Setting boundaries. Finding balance and the all important parenting strategy of modeling. So if you're a mom looking for some tidbits to help keep you rolling through the summer and beyond. This episode is for you let's dive in

Pam:

Okay, here we are back for another mom's episode. We haven't done this in so long. I know it's been a minute. I got COVID that puts a damper on. Yeah. And then we had end of school year and so we're back. Casey and I are back to everybody to chat about all the amazing things that are happening. So I think the last time we met, we talked about, or like next week, and then I got COVID next week we are gonna talk about strategies and things that you can do to kind of feel good and survive the summer. Right. Mm-hmm and do your own body mind spirit work. And we've been doing some of that. So even though we didn't hop on the podcast, the podcast and do that, we've been doing that in a Facebook group. It has been fun. It has been fun. We've done. Uh, we did week one of body and I remember some, one of the moms was like, oh my God, I haven't drank water. I've never even, I don't think I've ever even kept track of how much water I drink. And I was like, what? it's great. Just

Casey:

the little things that make all the difference in the world. Totally. Because that is something that if you haven't paid attention to it, and then you're making a concerted effort with it, it's oh, my body feels like a million bucks just in one tweaking, one element. Yeah. And sometimes that's all it

Pam:

takes to make a difference. Well, yeah. And I think awareness too. I mean, as with everything, one of the things that she said to me was we were actually at karate. It was another mom I knew from karate. And she was like, I. Haven't kept track of my water and I am so excited. I have this new water bottle and whatever. And one of her kids came out of the karate class and proceeded to pick up her water bottle and chug half of it and she was like, interesting, like not something she had noticed before. And I'm like, oh, that makes all the difference. Right. When you're, when you're only getting, you think oh, I poured this 32 ounce bottle of water or whatever, and you drink 16 ounces of it. And you're like, why am I so thirsty? Why am I dehydrated? Why is my skin itchy? Or yeah. My face flaking off or whatever things happen. So yeah, just that idea of shifting awareness

Casey:

is so big. Yeah. So big.

Pam:

And so there's lots of stuff we talk about there. We talked about like body and movement and food. Yep. There was some amazing ideas. I'm like a salad junkie or like that really like salads. Really? I, that was a

Casey:

good, that was a good week. Cuz sometimes. Summertime is such, there are certainly the, the simple, go-tos throwing something on the grill veggies included, which is always such a great thing to do, but it can be that can feel redundant at a certain point. And so doing things like getting creative salad ideas or refreshing side dish recipes, and just, with, I, I love recipe and meal sharing because I do really, I genuinely enjoy cooking, but it can, it can get hard, like on hot days, it's either throwing something in the crock pot or throwing something on the grill or just doing salads. So it's nice to have just some different ideas of well, what do you do during

Pam:

the summer and getting other people's perspectives on that? Yeah. I feel like I love salads. I'm a big fan of.

Casey:

All things

Pam:

salad. And I kind of have gone through periods of time where I like make everything a salad. Mm-hmm so whatever we're having for dinner, where I could be having burgers and I will cut it up and put it on a salad and, yep. And usually it's because I become obsessed with an ingredient. Like I recently went through an obsession with goat cheese. I love pickle, onions, pickle, butter obsession. yes. So it could be anything, it could be like go cheese pickled onions. It could be Marley goes through these I just wanna put cranberries in and on everything like dried cranberries or like a salad, I find a salad dressing. That's so good. And I just wanna eat it on everything imaginable. Yep. We are a condiment household, especially when we find spicy stuff. So yeah, that's a, that was a fun one. So if you're like, Hey, those sound amazing. And then the following weeks are. We did mind thinking stuff. We did emotions. This week we talked about spirit. I kind of did the dive into defining what spiritual health means and kind of doing some work there. And it's just a fun place to hang out. So if you're like, Hey, I wanna do some of this work. Gimme some tips and strategies, go check out our Facebook group. I will link it up in the show notes. It's fantastic. And we're a fun group of ladies and just like that that real sound from Instagram, I was like, I'm making a group. We're gonna, and it's gonna get so big. We're gonna make jackets. So it's kind of how I feel about it. the, that's the best ever. But speaking of food I have, uh, Marley is currently obsessed with all things, pasta salad, pasta salad, macaroni, salad, anything, it doesn't matter what the, how can you go dressing or condiment or whatever is, it's hard to

Casey:

mess up the pasta salad.

Pam:

It is. And so. She was, like I said to her today, Hey, how, if I throw together a pasta salad for you, she was like, sure. I said, okay, do you want oil based? Or Manny's based? Which do you want creamy? Or like oily. And she was like, mm, I think creamy. And I was like, okay. And I said, maybe we should make a Buffalo, chicken, pasta salad. Is that a thing? And she was like, I don't know. So then I searched it and it is a thing. And we had bought for your party on the fourth and we never made it all the stuff to make a Buffalo chicken dip. We'll we'll you told me you didn't stay home anymore. You're like nothing, we don't need anything. I was like, okay, great. We'll eat that another night. So we have, we, obviously we have the ingredients and Marley is definitely planning on making it. She just hasn't decided one. So I was like, okay, we have all the things. Let's just see. And so it's like celery, shreded carrots, pasta, ranch, dressing, Frank's sauce, a jam. And and like chunks of chicken. And I literally, it says like a chicken breast and chop it up. And I literally took cuz we had bought two cans and I was not cooking chicken at this, it's 85 degrees out. I was like, I'm not cooking. I'm not turning on the grill. I'm not dealing with that right now. So I just drained the can and dried it and threw it in there. And Marley was like, this seems delicious. This is amazing. I was like, sweet. That's a win. Made it gigantic bowl. I, and I just cooked a pound of pasta. And then I was like made this gigantic bowl and I was like, I have another whole gigantic bowl. So I made another pasta. With the things that I always have in the house, like balsamic dressing and feta and tomatoes and cucumbers and carrots and all that fun stuff. Yeah. So, yeah. So she's, she'll be fed for the weekend. We're all set, but just getting, yeah. Getting excited creative ideas for the summer, I feel is

Casey:

so, and things like that, that last, yes. And it's not a one meal thing, something that creates leftovers that are not like the annoying leftovers that nobody actually wants. Like you like it one time. And then you're like, I, I have no place in my life for that. Right. But things that even are sometimes better, the second or third time you eat them, I

Pam:

feel like that's always the case that passes out.

Casey:

Yeah. So having that's something very helpful that we're trying to do, or anytime we are grilling, we purposely will make extra stuff. So. People can have it for lunch. The next day, husband can bring it to work the next day. Yep.

Pam:

Throw it on a salad or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like summer is summer is hard enough without having to deal with food. Yep. Like the parenting journey

Casey:

of summer. It's been a, it's been interesting. I, I feel good, but also fried at the same time. Yeah. And I, I had every intention or summer started a little bit differently than I anticipated, but now it's kind of leveling out in, in some home front aspects. But yeah,

Pam:

it just, it feels

Casey:

like how has it been, we're going into almost a month in. Yeah. And I just, I, my mind can't wrap my head around it. Like we were just talking about before. Recording. It just, I feel like I've been in a time warp for, I don't know, weeks. Yeah. Even before summer started, it just, it feels like all of a sudden a week is gone and it's, I guess that's can be a good thing cuz the days are filled and they're fun and they're, kind of all over the place, but at the same, I don't want summer to fly by, but it's also nice that it's, going at a certain pace and not dragging. I don't know. I just, my head hasn't felt screwed on for a

Pam:

whole while and this, the whole psychological, like I guess trauma of the 4th of July happens. And then you're like, oh, that's it summer's over. But really, and I remember this as a kid, I remember being like the 4th of July always felt like. Like the peak of the mountain, like the peak of the summer and in truth, it's two weeks into their school vacation, right? Their summer vacation. There's still so much summer left, so much left. We were counting cuz we were, I was talking to your oldest yesterday, yesterday. I don't know sometime this week. And we were talking about do watching star wars movies outside. and I side note ordered a bug thing, cuz it's always, always buggy here and it was fine yesterday. There's a little breeze and then the wind died off. We tried to watch star wars last night outside and your kids were like, bye And so we, and we came inside we were like, all right, we're growing up. Cuz it was just getting so buggy. So I bought like a thing to hopefully keep the bugs away. Anyway. I said, we have we're counting out, there's nine star wars movies. We should we'll make it right to the end of the summer. And he was like, really. Wow. That's a long time that we have left. And I was like, hold on to that perspective kid, cuz I'm thinking, fuck, we only got nine weeks or eight weeks or whatever at point he,

Casey:

he loves summer and he is absolutely he's soaking it in. He's loving, just constant activity, but he loves school too. Yeah. So he's not someone who's gonna be sad when summer's over. Yeah. And I

Pam:

think part of that is because he's social. Like he is a social kid that loves

Casey:

being in a classroom.

Pam:

Like he loves and be just being around other people. I mean, he'll he, if he's got nobody else he'll come talk to me. He don't care. He's you'll do it's fine. Yesterday. I was sitting in my front room with, you can see, see the front door and the door, the screen door was closed, but the regular door was open and I think Abraham was asleep. and Marley was asleep and he's standing on the front porch. Chatting, chatting me up because he is I was like, she's still asleep buddy. And he's okay. And then he starts telling me all the things that I don't even know what it was, but he's telling me all the things. And I'm like, man, he's just a social butterfly. And the other neighbors went away. Mm-hmm right. So normally he'd be like checking all the places. I was like, the only was the only option. It's

Casey:

funny that you say that. And I guess that hearing that also helps me shift my perspective a little bit, because sometimes that need drives me crazy. Of course, because, and I'm extroverted. Yes. I love talking. I love hanging out, but he has this he's become like obsessive with being with other people. Yeah. So with the neighbors having gone away, if Marley is not wanting to hang out or is sleeping or whatever the case may be, he's I don't know what to do with myself. and then, is instantly as active as he is. And as much as he loves being outside, it instantly goes back to, can I watch TV? Can I use my tablet?

Pam:

Can we just take a beat and you

Casey:

can go use your imagination or pick up a book for yeah. Five minutes of your life.

Pam:

Okay. Right. But yeah, it is that, that extroverted piece, I guess he is

Casey:

that like times a hundred. So that, that would explain the need for that constant stimulation. Yeah.

Pam:

Yeah. He just wants to be, I mean, he will, he will, you can see it in him. He's gonna be the, the grown up, that's talking to everybody in the grocery line and talking to the lady at the deli and that, like to all of the people who are like, please love the people to me, all of the people everywhere on the planet. Yeah. No, it'll be, it'll be great. It is great. And I just find it, I just find it so entertaining because cuz he's not mine. And I'm not trying to mop the bathroom, scrub the bathroom floor, do the laundry or whatever, while he is trying to tell me a story. Right. And you're like, dude, did you want clothes to wear? I gotta go downstairs and do the laundry. You can't stand here and talk to you all day as much as I'd love to. Yep. But I had a really cool opportunity yesterday and I was, I kind of joke about it, but they were playing Harry Potter clue. Marley is in you happen to mention that Oliver was his interest was kind of like petering on Harry Potter and she's I am roping him in And so we were playing Harry Potter clue and she's talking about all the different things and. It requires three players to play clue. If you haven't played clue, it requires at least three players. And I know sometimes as moms were like, it's fine, you can do it with two players, but it really is it's not as fun. I get it. I was a big fan of clue. Harry Potter clue drives me crazy. So I took one for the team and because Abram was like, I'm out, I'm not playing this game. And I was like, fine, I'll take Abram's spot. And it's been a really long time since we played. So I forgot how long it takes to play. I was like, what 20 minutes for sure. I'll do it. And somewhere along the, in the process of the game, I was like, okay, Pam, just settle in. Just be here, be present in it to win

Casey:

it. Now just like,

Pam:

just be here with them and hang let's just do this. Let's just, let's just do this. And so I did and I, I had a, and Oliver's so damn cute. And we had a lot of good conversations around like playing the game and just talking about the. The books and the movies and just talking about other things and, and uh, and the beautiful thing about clue is that the game ends when somebody decides they're gonna guess. And so I was like, fuck, this I'm out after 90 minutes. So it was probably longer than that. It was at least 90 minutes at the 90 minute mark. I was like, I'm just gonna guess. And so I was like work my little guy over to double door's office, cuz that's where you have to go to guests in this game. And I guessed and I got it right. And Oliver goes cool. How about if we keep playing? And I was like, you can't keep playing because you know what the answer is now because I was right and he was like, oh, okay, we'll have to play another day event. I'll play another day. And then there's, of course Abraham in the game of life, he's a big fan. Yeah, there, there are fun ages though. All of them. I mean like all, cuz all three of them are now kind of at the, or five, almost eight and 13 and they get along. I mean they hang out like siblings, I actually said last night as they were sitting on the couch out back, I said here, hold this because your brother is gonna sit on your sister's lap. Wait, that's not right. because Abram's like, Marley, can I sit on your lap for the movie? And she's like, sure, let me readjust and love it. So, but yeah, I mean summer's summer can be hard. You can, and we've done nothing. I feel like we've done. I mean Marley's and my moms for a week and I was away for a week, but I feel like. We keep talking about how we're gonna go to the lake. And then I look at the weather and I go, great, perfect. We can go on these days. And then I look at my schedule and I'm like, shit, I got stuff. Schedules. Yeah. it's an

Casey:

ever balancing act. And fortunately, you're not having that thought August 15th or something, you're thinking of it now. And the summer is young. There's still, there's still ample time for

Pam:

lots of activities. Yeah. That's the, I think that it's like deciding making it a priority, but also kind of what we talked about in one of the previous episodes is like allowing yourself to keep it simple. Mm-hmm Right. Depending on the ages of your kids what their interests are, what you feel like, if you're somebody that's, you're like, I hate the beach or, I've got some friends that are my age that have a history of skin cancer. And they're like, the last thing I wanna do is be hanging out at the beach or at a pool or whatever. And figuring out like, what's a good fit for you. And as I'm saying this, I'm like, why have we not been Marley? And I have not been to the library. Mm-hmm, she's at a weird age though at like 13. One of that's a, I mean, that's

Casey:

a, it's a tough age for finding the right fit in activities. Yeah. And, minor at the age where I can pack them in the car and go anywhere. And they're, they're jazzed. Yeah. But they they're. Not, they don't have they're not opinionated about anything yet. Mm-hmm, they're just, they're fine with whatever. They're, they're more flexible, but that's gonna change when they're teenagers, right. They're not gonna wanna be schlepping in the car necessarily to, hang with their mom with the beach. Yeah. They better,

Pam:

they better, she wants to like, I I know her,

Casey:

she, and you, I don't know what, I don't know if they're gonna love me the way that they love me now when they're teenage boys, I hope that they do, but mom's probably gonna lose some, some cool points when they're teenagers. We'll see. I'm wicked. Cool. So it's

Pam:

probably not gonna happen. Probably not. And I say that to Marley all the we have these conversations all the time about how cool I am and how how fortunate is she is to have me as her mother and that's exactly her reaction is the laugh that I'm getting from you right now. But I mean, there's some, there's some she also knows she's. Whew. A part of it is the work that I do, I'm, non-judgmental, I'm like welcoming to everyone, including all of her friends. Well, most of her friends, but the friend that I was like, Ugh, she's no longer friends with. So that works. but she's also, I've got happened to have an introverted kid mm-hmm who would be content sitting on the couch, in the air conditioning, reading her book. And I'm like, you need more life than that. But she does recognize after last summer and the pacemaker and all that stuff that she's yeah, we didn't do anything. We've definitely gotta do stuff this year. So it's on her radar as well. And she, so she's we'll get, we'll be in the car and she'll like, pull out her phone and check the weather. Okay. Monday's weather's gonna be this and Tuesday's, weather's gonna be this. And what do you have on your schedule for this day? Yeah, I was gonna say,

Casey:

even if it's like picking in activity a week. Yeah. It doesn't have to, you don't have to turn around and. Fill seven days of running all over the place to fit in activities. Right. But choose something special each week by day a week going to, and that's, that's kind of been my goal now that the fourth and Abram's birthday have settled out only to ramp up for all of her in a couple of

Pam:

weeks, but

Casey:

just finding a fun thing and that could look like anything that could mean you went for a bike ride. Exactly. You

know,

Casey:

Man, we were talking

Pam:

about that too, that

Casey:

after I took both of them on a bike ride and it was kind of like, why don't I do this all the time? Cause it was so much fun. They're at ages now they're both expert writers me, not as much, but I did all right. But we, we rode five miles and I felt so good after. And I'm like, I need to do this every day. And haven't. Been

Pam:

since, but no, I wish we had an ice cream stand, like that distance away. Right. That you could like bike too. Yeah. Cuz

Casey:

biking to the end of the rail trail and then them realizing that we have to bike all the way back home. They're like, they were like, uh even's

Pam:

like my legs have no more energy. let's see. Then you're gonna sleeping in

Casey:

the woods tonight now. Cause we are riding all the way

Pam:

home. That's hysterical. I know. Well, I think about Mar I, we joke all the time, but we were mind opened a bank account yesterday and she has like a savings account, but she opened like cuz of the cupcake business, she opened her very own. She has her very own debit card with her very own name on it. And the woman walked her through, had to do everything right. And she's got cash in her pocketbook. And I said, I asked her like, do you wanna put that in the bank? And she was like, no, I need the cash. And I was like, what do you need the cash for? And she said, when I go to Nana's house party freeze. Doesn't take cards. I need cash for that. And sometimes Nana doesn't have cash and we definitely need to get ice cream. That's like a and she's a kid. I mean, she's a kid that will buy you ice cream. If you're with her, she'll buy you ice cream. It's not like a, she's not a kid. That's it's my money and you can't have it. But if there was a ice cream shop, four miles away, she'd ride her bike for four mile, eight miles to get an ice cream. That would, that would be not a, not a problem for her. It's a good, uh, good motivating factor. But yeah, but with no ice cream shop, she's I'm out, I'm out. I'm not doing that. I kind of feel like that too right now though. Oh, if they had really good ice cream at the end of that trail, that'd be nice. But yeah, just something like that. Taking, taking taking from a bike ride or, we, because we live in a rural area, there is, we do have an ice cream shop that's in the different direction than the rural trail. That you can even the little shop, the little store downtown, right? Mm-hmm all of them. Cause I was gonna say your kid's a little, but Marley's oh, you go to the ice cream cooler and she's what am I gonna get? It's like the ice cream truck in the country. Right. It's the country version of the ice cream truck. And, but like the ice cream shop, like Dodges, farm, they've got animals

Casey:

and yeah. That's that's a fun, little like experience.

Pam:

Yeah. And so it doesn't have to be like a big thing. Yeah. And even just where we are, we were talking about like trying to get to the lake Monday morning, cuz it's gonna be nice on Monday. And and there's so many

Casey:

options you can E everything. There's so many, we're fortunate where we are that there's, within an hour there's you have multiple options. Yeah. For, depending on what you're looking for, there's the ocean. And then there's multiple lakes, which is super nice. But yeah, just carving out a day, the leak of a special. Potentially out of the norm

Pam:

activity. Yeah. How, how are you doing, I'm hearing this from a lot of people. I feel like the, you kind of alluded to this with the Oliver and the like social need. Right. Mm-hmm but like the just having them kind, cuz you've got two, I've got a 13 year old who ignores me if I letter like the increased, uh, presence. it's

Casey:

been interesting cuz I feel, I don't know if it's the fact that it's summer or it's developmentally thing, mentally things shifting or a combination of the two, but my kids, they used to be very, very good about independently playing or like independently playing together. Mm-hmm without a whole lot of. Pushing them in that direction. And sometimes it still happens where they'll find the thing that just hooks them in and they're at it for, an hour or two without needing to be redirected or helped. And they're playing just so happily together. But I feel like attention spans lately. If they're not with other people that their, their attention spans are not what they used to be. Mm. So I feel like I'll try and, get something done. And I think that's part of why my brain feels a little bit like, whoa, all over the

Pam:

place, because I'll, I'll

Casey:

start a task need to help them with something, which obviously I'm not complaining about needing to help my kids with something. But it just that from wake up time to bedtime where I feel like I haven't had a stream of. A few hours of uninterrupted thoughts and tasks and stuff that I just, I feel like I'm constantly starting stopping restarting. So I feel like I'm kind of just bouncing all over the place and some days are easier than others, but yeah, it's been, it's been an interesting thing. And I think some of that is just their ages and they, they need more or different stimulation than they did last summer. Mm-hmm so yeah, that's been, it's been a little challenging. I feel like I've done a decent job with staying patient and really trying to talk things through with them, but there are days that it's hard

Pam:

yeah. And

Casey:

it's tiring. And like by six or seven, it's just oh my God, what just happened? And're They they're not in any camps. They're not out of the house, meaning yes. They leave the house, but they're not out of the house for any extended periods of time for the whole summer. Really. They might do, a couple of overnights with grandparents where gonna get out and do some camping at the end of July. So there's, there's fun stuff on the docket, but in terms of what our day to day, week to week looks like it's gonna be day trips and just, I want, I want summer to be fun for them. Mm-hmm but I also have to remember that cert like certain things are fun for them that don't require a whole lot of. Effort. So that whole concept of keeping it simple, mine are fortunately still at an age that, a surprise, like trip to the trampoline park or, oh, some body of water or going out for ice cream for dinner some night, that that type of stuff

Pam:

is

Casey:

when you're a kid, that's the shit that makes summer fun. You wake up and you get to do whatever the hell you want. You get to play all day and run yourself into the ground and fall into the hardest slumber and wake up and do it again the next day. So thinking about it in terms of at least, young kids ages, I remember how just like magical summer was, it was just. So much fun. Didn't realize how hard it was for my

Pam:

mom. I know I know, I was just thinking about that when I was at my mom's last week. I was there for a couple days when I picked Riley up and we were talking about, so my, I have a cousin that lives down there and he's got two kids. And so I was happened to be with my aunt, their grandparents, their grandmother, both of, both of their grandparents I was with. And we were talking about like swim lessons mm-hmm and she was like, oh yeah, I think they're signed up for like next week or something for, for, or the next two weeks for swim lessons. And I'm like, man grow. So I grew up on the Cape and swimming lessons were not like a two week thing, which is they are here. Yeah. If you wanna sign your kid up for swim lessons, you take him to the local lake or whatever. And it's two weeks of swimming lessons and four days a week or something. And I don't, I also thought that was weird. I was like, that's so weird because the way that I grew up was like, I had my swimming lessons on, I don't know, Wednesday at 10:00 AM. Mm-hmm and it didn't matter if it was raining or if it was sunny, you had swimming lessons on Wednesday at 10:00 AM for the eight weeks or 10 weeks or however long it was. And and then as I got older, it was like out in sailing and that got, had the different things in and it was like, oh, it's so weird. It was my aunt telling me this, that this is how they're doing it now. And I was like, man, so it's not just that new Hampshire's backwards. It's that this is just how they're doing it. Mm-hmm this is how people are, are doing things. And I kind of miss the, I feel like it's like the culture we live in, right. Everything's faster paced. Let's just get them swimming lessons in two weeks and they're gonna learn everything they need to know. And I. Man. I have eight weeks of going to the beach every day and hanging out with my friends. Right. And, having a whole summer to explore and expand into this, this swimming or whatever it was that I was

Casey:

doing at the time. And that you had something every week

Pam:

that you were looking forward to. Yeah. And we went to the beach. I mean, I mean, I grew up on the Cape. My, my mother still lives in the same house and grew up in we're like five minutes from the beach, maybe, maybe five minutes. And we went to the beach every single day. That's my

Casey:

dream.

Pam:

Like Monday through Friday, get up in the morning. And I'm talking about with Marley, maybe going to the lake on Monday. I'm like, why do I think. This is not how I grew up. It did not grow up, but you pack up your life and you go for 14 hours. Right. And so why you leave the house with a

Casey:

snack and you can pop back home at any point. Yes. Right now. Yeah. It it's a

Pam:

production to go somewhere. And like, why I have this like mindset too, that okay, there's 14. Like I gotta meet with Emma. I gotta, uh, two o'clock on Monday afternoon. So there's no way I can do anything in the morning. Well, that's just ridiculous. right. So trying to wrap my brain around, like simplifying yeah. This idea that you're talking about, but like simplifying the things that I wanna be doing that doesn't have to be

Casey:

like an entire big thing. Yeah. You can lack like

Pam:

lunch. I don't have to rent a place to be able to go swim at the week for a couple hours. Right. Like I don't need an Airbnb. This is not, and that's where my

Casey:

brain goes. And it's not so far of a drive that being there for only, three hours is a big deal that you get your. The bang for your buck and it, kind of scratches the itch and

Pam:

yeah. Then you can come back and quite honestly, other life, quite honestly much like myself Marley doesn't love being around screaming children. Mm-hmm I can't blame her, but like sometimes like last summer we went to York cause I was like, I just wanna go to York, I've done nothing. Let's just go to York. And we went to York and, and both of us are sitting on the beach with our AirPods and good book, beaches turning up the volumes. So we didn't have to hear the chaos. Cause you know, we were short sands in York, packed that place gets. Yep. And I'm like, man, I also didn't grow up in that environment. Right. I grew up on the Cape when there was not a lot of people there. And so people didn't sit on top of you, like when you go to the, the lake over here where you're, put your chair and you go in the water and you come back and somebody's put their chair on top of yours. You're like, you're like, oh, we're sharing a blanket. I see. Thanks for that. So crazy though. But yeah, I mean, I think there is this, we're getting into this pattern here of she gets up. So she has four hours of time on her phone a day and Oliver. So she ran outta time. Last night, Oliver was like, why, how did you run outta time? I don't understand. And I said, well, you, hers is a phone. So she carries it with her all the time. And so she can call people. And so she can text people and whatever, and I can get ahold of her. And you ask to use your tablet and you get granted permission to use your tablet. And then you use it until mom or dad says, okay, that's enough. And so that you don't have to have an inborn system that automatically tells you your time's up. Right. And he was like, interesting. Uh, it was funny, but we're getting into this pattern where she's she gets outta bed. She hops on her phone and I'm like, will take care of things. I often work in the morning cuz it's the best time for me. And I'm like, all right, lemme just get these couple things done and then I'll come out and she's SI on the couch has not eaten anything. It's 11 o'clock. She's been playing on her phone since she got up. And then she's oh, I'm almost out of time on my phone. Can I have more time? No. Can you go get dressed and brush your teeth? And then she'll get dressed like today she goes up and gets dressed. It's three o'clock it's before we see you. Mm-hmm it's three o'clock. And I said, did you brush your teeth? She's no, I'm like go brush your teeth. And then she like pitches a fit. Your kids are gonna be done eating, and then they're not. I'm like they don't wanna smell your stinky breath, go brush your teeth. right. Like, why are we having this? This is we're, we're seven hours. We're doing this thing. We like this regression happening. And I feel like that happens when she doesn't have to leave the house. Yeah. And when she's at my mom's house, like my mom's very good about go take a shower, brush her teeth, do the things. But Nana will also let her stay in her pajamas for two days until it's time for her to take a shower. yeah. If they don't leave. And my mom knows this and she's okay, we've got, I gotta get her outta the house today because otherwise she'll stay in her pajamas. And her, she's the kid. That's stick a shower at two o'clock in the afternoon and she'll go, are we going anywhere? Can I just put pajamas back on? Like she would live in pajamas if she could. Right. Mm-hmm so, yeah, I mean, and it's, that's my struggle.

Casey:

It's funny those things, because there are times that it's I mean, what does it really matter if we're not doing anything, live it up where whatever the hell you want. Right. But there is the element. You don't want to be having epic battles if they get into the phase when school starts again, when they get into the phase of having zero schedule, having, ice cream for breakfast, not doing any hygienic things, like all of that, that's my stuff. I try. It's, it's just a balancing act. Cuz there are days that, they're asking at nine o'clock in the morning, like for treats and sweet stuff and can I have a

Pam:

leftover brownie? Can I have my leftover birthday cake? And I'm like,

Casey:

why, why do I need to say no to that? I'm not gonna say no to that. So have at it, if I do that every day, then we're creating a habit rather than it being something special, and it becomes an expectation, oh, I can just do this all the time or I'm gonna do this all the time. So it's, it's just a, something that constantly needs to be balanced out, I guess.

Pam:

Yeah, drives me crazy. I don't have a food thing though. I, I don't care when she eats things and, but she also, that also doesn't mean she can have a cupcake for breakfast, lunch, gender. Cause you know, we've always got cupcakes, how she's a cupcake baker. And so, and that's kind of lost its luster and

Casey:

that, so from the, the my challenge, I absolutely hate the, any concept of restricting foods. Right. Because that happened in my life and I, it is a big problem for me. So in doing that, I try, I'm very delicate in the way that I do that. But my kids, if I, they are at a point that if I gave them an inch, they'd take a mile. If I was just like, that's fine do that. They would abuse that. Yeah. No other. So that's my only, we just, we stagger it and talk about like fueling your body and helpful, not like. Sweets are bad for you, but we talk about like the effects that certain foods have. Yeah. And how the importance of having balance and fueling rather than just eating sugar all day and then crashing

Pam:

hard, so it's yeah. And for over here, she's not really a sweets kid unless it's ice cream. So it becomes more like, can I have pasta salad for breakfast? I'm like, I don't care that

Casey:

that is like, I, I don't do breakfast. I'm like, give me a steak

Pam:

to a salad for breakfast. Right. Or

Casey:

I eat the most random things as my first meal of the day. That are never anything sweet. They're it's always, but it they're random things to be eating for breakfast. Right? Like I'll have leftover grilled vegetables or meat or yeah. Throw something on a salad at nine or 10 o'clock in the morning. Yeah,

Pam:

her usually her first meal, her first meal is usually leftovers and my husband had a hard time with it for he's that's for, that's not breakfast. And I was like, don't tell her where to eat. Don't, there are also

Casey:

these, like the, the undoing around food is such an interesting process when trying to undo things for your kids. Yeah. Or just societal things. What the hell is the difference between my kid asking for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then like giving them toast. With peanut butter and jelly on it. It's like this,

Pam:

just this weird thing, right? Ones of breakfast food. No, you can't have a

Casey:

sandwich, but I'll give you the exact same thing and call it toast,

Pam:

right? Like so dumb or no, you can't have,

Casey:

Five cinnamon buns, but you can have

Pam:

four waffles with syrup on

Casey:

it, it's just yeah. It, so I'm I'm

Pam:

I know food's and food's a, we were talking about this, not on the podcast. We were talking about this a couple weeks ago. Like food costs have gone up. Oh. And so having your kids home, having your kids home, especially two growing boys have, but having your kids home and like the amount of food and

Casey:

that I was talking to my husband about this with sometimes he's Is happening where, why is there so much money being spent on food? And then he'll go to the store for five things. And he's like, holy shit. Now I see, the co the actual costs of everything. But the, for me, I try, like I said, balance is something that I'm trying very hard to instill in my kids,

Pam:

but I like the,

Casey:

the things that you don't necessarily want your kid eating for every meal of every day. Those are the cheapest things, the prepackaged foods, the, yeah, like I like cooking fresh things. I like having. Fresh produce and fresh fruit and all that. We're we are very fortunate that we have a community shared garden plot. So produce as the summer goes on, we will, we will have to spend less on that because we will get an abundance of different options there, but just, putting together

Pam:

actual meals is just, it has become kind of

Casey:

cost prohibitive, honestly. Yeah. Like I'm at the point that I just wanna make casserole and have it last for a week and a half, but my kids won't eat that for more than a, a serving. Right. So it's like trying to balance out what is gonna stretch that people aren't gonna get sick of that people aren't picky about. Mm-hmm it's just a constant, a constant juggling act there, but yeah, food costs are. The bane of my existence right now. And I know I try not to complain cuz I know so many are in the same boat or much less fortunate and struggling more, but it's, it's painful when, what used to be like, 1 75 for a week of groceries for a family is now like 2 50, 2 60 and things are dollars

Pam:

more per item. Yeah. It's not 50 cents jumps anymore.

Casey:

It's that's literally$4 more than what I paid for last year or$2 more or

Pam:

whatever. Yeah. It's interesting. I've been, and that's why I started going there more often because I was like, this is peculiar. So, we have the running, Marley's in the middle of a cupcake batch and she's so we're out of powdered sugar and I'm like, didn't we just buy a lunch, powdered sugar. She's we used it all. I'm like, Ooh, could you get better about this? Right. Cause you know, dealing with a 13 year old running her own business, she's not real good about planning that stuff. so she looks at all the other recipe, but she doesn't look at like the frosting. And then we went through the whole thing with vanilla mm-hmm I swear to God, I was buying pair of vanilla extract at$14 a bottle for two ounces painful at least once a week. And so we currently have 32 ounces of king Arthur pure vanilla extract that we ordered from king Arthur for, uh, gagging,$109 or something like that. But whatever. It's all good. It's way, way. It may feels way better than the much more cost,$14 a week on little tiny bottles that we're running out of. And so if you need any vanilla extract, we get money But I was running to sell's mm-hmm which is, like for those of you that are not local, it's this little grocery store, but it's really like this little community grocery store and their prices are

Casey:

good. Yeah. Some things, there are certain things that are a little bit steep, but it's not, they, for the most part, they're pretty comparable to like chain groceries or maybe some even better prices on certain things

Pam:

that apparently Wednesdays like their bargain day

Casey:

So they have

Pam:

bargain day Uhhuh. They have things on Wednesday they're vine ripened tomatoes, or 2 99 a pound on Wednesdays are 99 cents. Ah, so, and they have a flyer online flyer, by the way. I didn't, I found that out recently. But I, cause I was running in there for things. So like yesterday I went in and grabbed stuff because we were

Casey:

grilling pizza, which

Pam:

I did everything to the last step on their pizza. Cuz of course gluten free. I go first and Jeff was like, I'll finish it up. Which basically just means I'll take it off the grill. And he burnt them.

Casey:

Oh, I don't hate a burnt pizza. So I can't be too mad. But if it's like burnt, burnt, but Marley,

Pam:

it was Marley's pizza she was, she wasn't happy. She was not happy. She ate a gluten free pizza. It was fine. But so we had to pop in there and grab a couple of things that just were like, they wanted pesto on their pizza and whatever. So I went in and grabbed like some cheese and some cause I always like to go over there a little deli and see what kind of boars head cheeses they have, like on the shelf, like to cut with cheese and crackers about a caramelized onion, cheese. yeah. Yeah. So good and bought up a, picked up a handful of things that like, oh, we need this, I need to grab this. Oh, I need this. And it was like, it came to like$22,$22. Now I go to Hannaford or market basket for, I swear to God the same ingredients and I walk away 40 yeah. Plus dollars. Yep. And I'm like, well, that's good, man. I need to go to Sully's more option. This is nuts. But being able to, finding things, we have this assumption and this was my assumption. It's small. So that must mean it's expensive. Mm-hmm and it's not. So this summer has been like the learning to roll with the, the unexpected. And for me, I mean, I'm like the queen of boundaries. I'm like put a boundary in place, say, no, I'm really good about saying no, but I noticed stretching my neck right now. I noticed I had a massage earlier this week. I noticed hope my mom's not listening. If you are sorry, mom, when I was at my mom's, I. Was consciously aware of being like, just bite your tongue, say nothing, just bite your tongue, say nothing, just bite your tongue, say nothing. And I woke up the first night I was there, like after the first night's sleep with a stiff neck. Hmm. It was like throat chakra. And then the next night, same thing. Cause I slept there for two nights and then we came home at 11 o'clock on Saturday night, we got home Riley and I, and I woke up Sunday morning with no neck pain. Interesting. And I was like, oh, Hey, there's that whole thing. And I've realized that I struggle a little bit more putting boundaries in place with her because I think that I feel bad. Mm-hmm she's by herself. And so I'm like, okay, But I did put a I was like, she's I thought you were leaving Sunday. I'm like, Nope, leaving Saturday night and I could use the 4th of July traffic. And I mean, that was a, a real consideration. I was like, what is gonna be the best time for me to get off the Cape? Right. I did not wanna drive home at 11 o'clock on Sunday night. Right. And Marley wanted to make cupcakes for your house on Monday. So that means we had to be home on Sunday anyway, but boundaries can be hard both for the people around us, like putting boundaries in place and being consistent and conscious with boundaries, but also like boundaries with our kids. Like the whole, no, you cannot have more time on your phone. Yep. As many times as I wanna be like no more time on your phone, she is a really good negotiator last night, they were outside and. As they're waiting for the movie to start Oliver and Abram were on their tablets. Oh yeah.

Casey:

Abrams feels so cool now that

Pam:

he has one, he said yesterday, so, Allie has a crack up a screen. Mm-hmm right. He says, I wish my tablet had a crack it's what? I was like, watch me. And I was like, I wish my time had, and I was like on your, on the screen, he's yeah. Like, why would you want that? That would be broken. He's then I would be like, O Ugh. I'm like and then he was talking, cuz he is, his is little and is so cute. And he is isn't it cute? Isn't so cute. It's so little. I'm like, just like you. And he's yeah. Oh, that's excellent. So they're on their tablets. Marley's out of time on her phone. She loads the game that they're playing. So all three of them that can be playing the game together. And then she. Oh, I'm out of time on my phone. Now that's the conversation about what do you mean you're out of time on your phone and then Oliver says, can she have more time on her phone? And I'm like, fine. It's so hard. I know.

Casey:

Tell you're telling me, man, it's it is rough

Pam:

boundaries are

Casey:

on the forefront of my brain currently. Because of how gloriously beneficial they are and can be. Mm.

Pam:

But with,

Casey:

it's kind of like you wave the importance of what said boundary is. Yeah. Is this something that's harmful to me and my own, physical, mental, spiritual state, or is it acquiescing to a kid that wants a little more time, right. But it's again, there's balance in that, because if you do that, Every single day, then there is no boundary. You're just here you go. Sure. Have, have at it. But when it's you feel like there's a boundary in place, but it's is that gonna really affect anyone too much? If I bend the rule or bend the whatever, right. This

Pam:

one time. Right. And I think that you kind of nailed it earlier when you said, when you were talking about the food and you're like, if I give them an inch, they'll take a mile mm-hmm Is that that's I think a real consideration when we're putting boundaries in place, not just with our kids, not just with is she gonna keep asking? She's gonna keep asking. Cuz she always does. Mm-hmm and unless I say to her, this is how much time you have today. I'm not giving you any more. So don't ask, she asks.

Casey:

Mind ask, even when I say that well,

Pam:

she's 13, she's gotta figure it out. But today the conversation was, if I have to keep reminding you or asking you over and over, if I get push back on the things that I'm asking you to do, then your four hours is gonna go to three hours. And if you continue to push back your three hours, we'll go to two hours. And if you continue to push back, it'll go to one hour and eventually you'll have no time on your phone. And she's got things that she can do unlimited, like she can call and text and those types of things. But I'm like, I'm not, I'm not playing anymore. I don't wanna do this because it's exhausting

Casey:

that I, I had the same exact conversation this morning because it's taking the fun out of days when I ha it, I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall with, with those types of conversations when it's you're not asked to

Pam:

go milk the cows and, clean a barn and

Casey:

feed. Yeah, the town muck, the souls.

Pam:

I mean, they have tasks that are age

Casey:

appropriate tasks that are expectations. And if I had the same conversation, like if I have to keep saying these same words, a I'm gonna go crazy B the tablet, like screen time in general is gone, cuz I'm over it. Right. I don't want to talk about screens anymore. Yeah. And yeah, I'm I think it's those repetitious. Like why, why are you not understanding the words that are coming out of my mouth? Mm-hmm I'm not saying no, you can't have it. I'm saying you can have it, but there's a limit. Why can't you

Pam:

accept that? Right? It's

Casey:

it's been making me a little bit of a lunatic, those conversations.

Pam:

I think for me, the other thing is before, which is fine, I just I feel like the other thing for me is that I, I can feel like I'm beating my head against the wall talking to my 13 year old, but sometimes it feels like there's other people in our lives that we can be beating our head against the walls, trying to get a point across and it's not getting across cross. And I know you've had those experiences too, and I'm just kind of curious, like the process by which. Well, here's a, here's a, I got a question for you. Are you more of a, this is my boundary. Don't cross it, bitch. I'm gonna tell you, this is my boundary. Here's my line. Or are you more of a, I'm gonna put this passive boundary in place and expect you to respect it and not allow you to push the line. Like for instance, are you gonna be like, stop calling me or are you just not gonna answer the phone that you

Casey:

knew that answer before. I like that question. There it

Pam:

is. I, because I'm trying to be better

Casey:

with boundaries, but I'm still like, I'm just by nature, not a super assertive person. I am when I need to be mm-hmm but I'll just kind of quietly do things and either expect or let people know to follow suit or by the way that I'm dealing with it or not dealing with it, it helps to solve said problem. So there it is without a whole lot of conflict. Yeah. But if it, if that doesn't resolve I'll I stand my ground for sure. At this point for a long time, I, I was the, yes. Everyone to death. I did all of the things for all the people to my own detriment. And I'm, I, there are times that I still feel that I'm doing that. Mm-hmm but I'm so much more aware of it. And I'm being better about delegating, not trying to play the hero with certain things, asking for help or taking help when it's offered, rather than no, I've

Pam:

got this, I'll do it all.

Casey:

But yeah, boundaries are they're imperative.

Pam:

Yeah. In life.

Casey:

Because if we create zero boundaries, then people will automatically just walk all over you. Yeah. Because. Well, she's going to do this or give me this, or allow this to happen with no consequence. Why would, why would

Pam:

I stop, right. Yeah. And I think that we forget sometimes that even people we consider like good people or, well, that are that care about you? Well, intentioned thinking, that's the word? I was like, well, something I know there's another word that goes after that. Or that actually genuinely care about you. There are, we all have our own nature. Right. And so some of us are givers and some of us are takers mm-hmm and there's a balance there. And I don't mean that's a hundred percent, you fall into one category or the other, but it hap it shows up in each relationship. Right? So there are the people that are like, oh, you're just gonna keep giving. And this is not a conscious process. We're not walking around going you know that Casey, she'll just keep giving. So I'm just gonna keep taking. Right. It's We, we define, we have to decide and we have to let other people know how far we're willing to go. Mm-hmm and if we don't then people, it is human nature to just keep kind of testing the waters, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying, keep trying. And you let that

Casey:

happen over time. You lose your core. Yeah. You lose your own identity because you, who am I even, I'm just giving everything. I've got to everyone around me all the time that you forget what do you need? yeah. What, what do I need, what is going to help me? Taking from other people, with, with balance and mind certainly. But what are things that some of my relationships that I benefit from receiving from other people rather than giving?

Pam:

Yeah, totally. And it does not, it's not an always thing either. Right? Right. There's like sometimes I give in this relationship and sometimes I receive in this relationship and that's a healthy relationship that's so if you're either going oh my God, I'm taking from these people in my life. That's, that's not what we're saying at all, that there should be a give and a take and there should be a back and forth. And it's not always gonna be balanced within the, a specific timeframe. Right. Cause

Casey:

some, in marriage or certain friendships or family relationships, sometimes one's up the other one's down. Yeah. And I'm pulling you out of the muck and then the flip happens and it's just about. Being good about showing up equally as someone shows up for you. Yeah, for sure. And that doesn't always happen and that that's where challenges arise and that's where those are the types of times that hard boundaries should be put into place and not everyone's ready to receive those, but

Pam:

yeah, tough. I've blown up a relationship or two in my life. Cause I am definitely the this relationship is no longer serving me. So I'm breaking up with you. That's kind of my, I, I have a tendency to like, uh, I'm a Libra, so I live in the all or nothing. And I've found the middle in that through the years and all the work that I've done, but like the exist, my existence has been finding balance from one extreme to the other mm-hmm yeah. And there have been. There have been so many people, so many relationships along the way that I'm just like, this doesn't serve me anymore. And I don't necessarily get in someone's face. Not, not necessarily I don't wanna be a friend anymore I'm out, but

Casey:

you step you. I just stop

Pam:

investing time. Take away. Yeah. Because, and if somebody says to me, Hey, I've noticed you stop investing time. I will say with no problem at all. Yeah. This relationship doesn't just doesn't serve me anymore. So moving on good luck. But you know, therapist forever and all of my old friendships, all of my friendships from twenties and on probably way younger than that actually were how can I be of service to you, but in a. In almost a therapy way. Mm-hmm right. I had all these relationships that were like one sidedly vulnerable. I knew everything about everybody's life. Hi, thankfully, I'm a very kind soul and I would never blackmail anybody, but I got some dirt on people. I'm just saying that has nothing to do with being a therapist. Because I definitely I get those stories from people and I would be like, yeah, yeah. And then it was really comfortable. And I hear this a lot from therapists oh yeah. So much more comfortable to not share your own. So then you invest, you dive more into their story. And so a lot of my relationships were hugely out of balance mm-hmm and then I was putting effort in places that were not he or helpful for me. Yep. And then other relationships were like, not as great. And one of the things that I've done over the last couple years is I've invested a lot more. Effort into my relationship with, with one of my sisters, she happens to be close by. It's not like a, it's not like I like her better. She's just as closer. And so like next week, we're going to see new kids on the block. Oh, fun. They didn't know that. Yeah. Going it's new kids on the block. Everybody should be all of you. Middle school hearts. If you're my age, um'd be very excited about this new kids on the block, en Vogue, salt and pepper, and Rick Ashley.

Casey:

Oh man, that's going be epic. I'm

Pam:

so excited. It's just gonna be good to go. And she was like, Hey, do you wanna go to this? And I'm like, yes. My very first concert, which I think was when I was 13, was new kids on the block and she brought me, oh, that's fun. So it'll be fun. It'll be fun. But a

Casey:

round coming, coming home type moment, for sure,

Pam:

for sure. But that idea of putting in effort. And I think boundaries can go in like the, I don't wanna do this anymore, but we can also say, Hey, this is, we use a different word for the word we use is, is expectation. Right. We can say to somebody and, and certainly you're not gonna put unrealistic expectations on people, but kind of what happened with my sister is I was like, Hey, I feel We don't really connect very often. And I would like to do more of that. And she was like, Hey, do you wanna go to newies on the block with me? And I was like, yes, I do. Yep. This was a while back and it's just now, the concerts happening now and the tickets went on sale, whatever, but it was kind of putting that out there. And that's like a version of a boundary. That's saying Hey, this is what I need from you. Right. And that's okay too. And there are gonna be times where people say. That's nice that that's what you need from me, but I can't do that. And then there are gonna be times in your life where people go, cool, let's go to a concert, right? Let's grab coffee. Let's get together. Let's get on the phone and talk

Casey:

part of the, the bonus of not, I won't say bonus, that's the wrong word, but one of the things that is also important with boundaries, that it can be easy to put boundaries in place for other people. It can also be, it can be hard to receive boundaries. Yes. When they're put in place for someone else's benefit, when it affects you. Yeah. And understanding like that's not necessarily a, that's not a personal attack on you. That's not, that's what they need for themselves and their mental health or, their lifestyle, whatever. That's also another, I'm such a sensitive person that for. For so many years of my life, everything that happened, I took personally. Yeah. It didn't matter what it was. It could be completely out of like absolutely out of context that I would take it personally. I'm slowly getting much better about that, but it's, it's hard to, it can be hard to take like criticism or anything like that. And, but yeah, I guess the point being not to take it personally, when someone puts a boundary in place with you, cuz it could, yeah, it doesn't mean it's a reflection of you or how they think of you, but it's just what they need at

Pam:

that time. Yeah. And kind of to add to that, if you are personalizing, if somebody's putting a boundary in place or they're acting in a way. Or responding to you or doing whatever that you perceive as maybe they're are upset with you. Maybe they don't like you, maybe there's something and you recognize it as a pattern in your life. Not I mean, sometimes people are mad at you and they don't communicate that and they're gonna be passive aggressive about it. So, but you notice this is a pattern in your life like, oh God, I do often think that people are mad at me. It's something to look at. It's something to go oh, isn't that interesting? There's a pattern that shows up with my own life. And I'm concerned about people being upset with me. And as a, as a human, that's important to recognize that. But also as a parent, because you're gonna this gonna be times you're gonna have to, right. Your kid's gonna be pissed at you. Right. You gotta be okay with that. That's gonna be a hard one. It is gonna be hard. Yeah.

Casey:

It's, it's funny though. I mean, I, I can see that being very challenging for me, but I can also. I'm usually so steadfast in the things that I'm doing. Mm-hmm with my kids and what I'm teaching them and how my husband and I are enforcing those things. Mm-hmm so if I feel strongly enough about what I'm doing, and my kid gets pissed at me have at it, dude, like you can rage all you want. It's not gonna change what we're doing, cuz we're doing what we're doing for a reason. Like I'm never, I won't wanna say never. I'm not usually an asshole. for no reason it happens every now and then, but in terms of, I feel very confident in the way I'm raising my kids. So. They wanna be mad at me. Yeah.

Pam:

Go for it. I know I have the same. I have the same kind of thought process around that. And there's gonna be moments that your kids are mad at you because you say, no, you put a limit and they're like, I'm so mad at you and whatever they, whatever, whatever their reaction is, normal. I hate you

Casey:

if that happens. Yeah. That has never happened. And if, and when that happens,

Pam:

that will shatter me probably right.

Casey:

Even if it's coming from a place of anger, that will be a hard, hard one

Pam:

to swallow. Yeah. Sorry to interrupt. No, no, that's fine. Oh yeah. We've never had that. We've never had that. But again I really, uh, truly believe that when you teach your children

Casey:

to respect themselves,

Pam:

they don't do, they don't act in ways that are hurtful to other people because they don't wanna experience that kind of hurt. And I like stand by that a thousand percent. So if you're out there thinking like that's not true, I did all those things. I'm sorry. Am my kids doing these things? I'm sorry. You're wrong. So anyway, that's all I got on that one. But I think about I have nieces and nephews, right? Like I have. So Mar is the youngest at 13. I have two nephews that are 20. I have a niece that's 20 will be 20 is 23. Her birth it's July. Her birthday already happened. Uh, I did wish her happy a birthday, so that's good. She's 23. I have another, you still be 24,

Casey:

5

Pam:

26, 27, I think maybe 27. And I think joy will be 30 or they're 26 and 29. I don't know something like that, but like older adults, full grown adults. Yep. And and I've seen some of the conflicts that have occurred as like I'm an adult now and I'm in a conflict with you and I'm not gonna talk to you for two months. Right. I mean, we see this, we see this out in the world. I mean, you you've come across people in your life that are like, I don't talk to my parents. Mm-hmm or I don't talk to my siblings or I don't, have these interactions with these people anymore and I've cut them outta my life and whatever. And as far as you're aware, based on your understanding of the situation, it's not that the other person is like so toxic that you had to step away from them, but we get wrapped up in our own shit. And so like my biggest, I, I was like, oh, it's, it's all gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine until I had a, a sibling who had a conflict with one of their kids and was like, devastated about the conflict. And the kid was like, don't fucking and care. And it was really just like a moment it's developmentally appropriate all those things when it was happening. But it's so hard. I was like, Ooh. Yeah. And then the things we do as parents to compensate mm-hmm. That's where shit gets messy. Yeah. Right. And we start trying to compensate for like my kids mad at me. So now I'm gonna do more for them. Right. And then I'm gonna give

Casey:

them things that they want, that I don't actually wanna be giving them, but I just wanna,

Pam:

and then we fall back into the, now we're being people pleasers to our kids. Yeah. Because we think about like our kids, you think about your kids right now, and we've talked about this cause you're like, oh Lord, help me. Thank, I don't have to deal with the teenage years yet. I'm still at I'm at five and almost eight. So whew, Lord, help me for that. But I like go through the same thing. I'm at 13, thankfully I'm not at 20. I'm not like right. All the different things, all the things that change. And it's about our own pattern. It's about our own story. So if our story, if my story is. I don't wanna be rejected and I'm afraid of not being important. And so I'm gonna do for the other person so that they don't abandon me. You're gonna do the same thing when your kid gets to the age where it's developmentally appropriate for them to pack their shit and get out right. Where it's that's what we all did. We all, I mean, for most of us, we all packed our shit and got out at some point mm-hmm So we know it's going to happen. It's like one of those things you're like, well, I know eventually mm-hmm I know, even though they're five and eight, eventually they're going to become grown ass men. Yeah. And they're gonna move out into the world, such

Casey:

a wild thing to think about. But I do think about it often.

Pam:

Yeah. And

Casey:

fortunately, right now they're saying they're gonna live with me forever, but I'm like, guys, I promise at a certain point, you are not gonna wanna live here, but yeah, it's a. Trying to raise and nurture good humans who As we've talked about in the past, we have taken some of our own issues and not passed them on to them. If we can do that, even remotely I'll feel successful, but just raising good humans who are well rounded and respectful and have boundaries, no, right from wrong. It's just it's so mentally exhausting. Mm it's. So rewarding. Seeing, seeing that hard work, paying off and having, other, not that you need outward validation because I I'm validated just in what I see in my kids, but having other people recognize. The the way that my kids are is always it's. So it's just, it's so refreshing. And I just, I hope it sticks. Mm that's all. I'm sure. Most people

Pam:

hope, but, well, and it just kind of made me think about when you were saying, when you were talking about like the, the parenting component, right. Cuz it's the whole boundaries thing that we're talking about and putting boundaries in place and having expectations and and, and being clear and communicating, but we're do all that stuff that we're doing. We're also modeling that for our kids. Mm-hmm because that's how they learn. Right. FYI, if you're out there listening and you're like, no, my kids learn because I'm telling them what to do. They, they don't, they're not learning because you're telling me what to do. They're we're learning based on your own actions. And I always say that my job with Marlene is to teach her how to think, not what to think and the way I teach her, how to think is by modeling all the shit that I do. Mm-hmm right on a daily basis, which is why. at 13 years old, she has a cupcake business because she's six. She watches me, she's been like observing me for the 13 years that she's been on this planet and I'm an entrepreneur. It's just who I am. Mm-hmm And so that has it's not something that I did not, I never, in a million years, Marley's like, uh, I'm gonna land about the, the laying the hammock and read a book kind of kid. And she was like, yeah, I'm gonna start a cupcake business. And I was like, you're gonna, what it hey. Awesome. But this, the, they learn by watching, observing, right? The silent observation. When you think they're not paying attention, that's what they're soaking up. That's what they're learning. So when we put boundaries in place with other people, when we're clear, when we say when our phone rings and we're sitting with our kids and we pick it up and we silent it and we put it back down, because the message, what we're saying is my time with you, you are more important than that phone call mm-hmm and whoever's on the other end of that phone. I can call back. I can deal with that later. It's not urgent right now. And when it is urgent, I like, I will say just like I would, if I was sitting with an adult, I would say, oh, sorry, oh, Nana's calling with something, something, let me just answer. I'm gonna answer this real quick and then I'll come back. Yep. And so kind of treating them with the same amount of respect that I would treat if I was like sitting in a business meeting mm-hmm because they learn that based on those interactions. So if you're like sitting with your kid at anywhere where in the eighties, we would've been forced to interact with our parents. Right? If you're sitting with your kid and you're on your phone, you're telling them how to act and you're teaching them how important they are in your life. We don't think about those things. We don't think about like sure. We've all been out to eat and we see like the family of four all on their devices and we're like, oh, it's never gonna be me. It's usually before we have kids, that's never gonna be me when I have kids. And then you're find yourself with your screaming melting down two year old, and you just wanna get through your damn meal. And you're like, here, play on my phone. Mm-hmm right. We've all been there. We've all done it. And so, but, but on a consistent basis, making the choice. To not take out your phone or to not answer or to put I, my stuff's not, not disturbed all the time. People can't get a hold of me, like legit, can't get a hold of me because everything's on you not disturb. And I'm like, oh, I should probably make some adjustments there. I have a think I have like Jeffrey Marley, my mother and you on my emergency, comes through no matter what list for phone calls. And I literally think that's from when you were pregnant with Abram, I was like, Case's gotta be on there. I mean, not that you're important, you are important, but I mean, that's when it went on, it's yep. If she needs to call me at 2:00 AM, I need to not, it needs to not kick over to do not disturb. So yeah, it's just like this, this. All the things that we're doing, the boundaries that we're putting, like the overt boundaries we're putting in place, the passive boundaries, the expectations, right? And expectations. When I'm talking about expectations, I'm like, the expectation that my kid goes and brushes their teeth every day, right? The expectation that you put on clean clothes, the expect, whatever, the activities of daily living, as we say, the ADLs in, in the world of mental health. It was funny because as we were playing clue, clue, Harry Potter clue, I think Oliver had something on his tooth and Marley was like, you got something right here. And I was like, that's a good friend. First of all, that was my first thought I wasn't at the table. Good luck out. good call. And he was like, so they started having this conversation about brushing teeth and he was like, do you brush your teeth? Do you have to brush your teeth at night or in the morning or both? And Marley said, I brush my teeth in the morning. And then if I remember to, I brush my teeth at night. Cause oftentimes she's and I'm like, did you brush your teeth? And she's ah, I'll brush on extra in the morning. That's our it's opposite for us. And he said, you're so lucky. I was like, amazing. My kids don't have 50 cavities. Right. He's you are so lucky, nighttime rush when I'm so tired. And I just wanna go to bed and I have to brush my

Casey:

teeth. It is true. There've only been like probably one or two nights in their lives that were, they're just either we're putting them to bed and they're asleep, like right. If fell

Pam:

asleep in the car.

Casey:

Yep. Or they're just absolutely catatonic. Like when we came back from the fireworks on the fourth floor. Oh yeah. Tonight's at night you can skip,

Pam:

but we're, we're pretty after all the candy at the fire, I know our next dentist be fun, but yeah,

Casey:

there's obviously like during school, Oliver's up and brushing his teeth and that's part of his morning routine, but not, we're not as good about I am, but they are not as good in the summer for morning to probably work on that. Yeah.

Pam:

Well, it's just funny. I mean, I think part of it is so you're so lucky. All right. Well, I was dying. The

Casey:

conversations live in the mind of my

Pam:

children. I know. I know. And they're kind of going back to that, like what your summer looks like, that we were talking about previously. If you could just live in the mind of your children, we would all recognize that we're, we're doing great. Yeah. Like they're like, that's true. They're like, yeah, this is amazing. I

Casey:

mean, it's amazing. Just what like adulthood and societal pressures and all of those just preconceived notions that we have to be doing things differently. Yeah. Than what, regardless of what we're doing. We feel like we're not doing it totally. Right, right. Or that we're, we're not doing enough we're or we're doing too much, it's, there's, there's always going to be that, that little voice in the back of your head, like questioning, is this how it's supposed to be going? Are my kids happy? Do they feel fulfilled? Do they feel loved and seen and all of those things? Yeah. And it's, but it is also if, if there are glaring things like glaring holes in what we're doing, we have it's not too late. There, there are things that we can do and shift in order to make up for potentially. I mean, you can't make up for lost time, but you can shift what you're doing to, to change. Everyone's experience. And sometimes that's just small little things

Pam:

like letting your five year old come over and use my trash can. Then he thinks we, we live a real simple life.

Casey:

the fact that the trash can, is the star

Pam:

of the show. I know it is funny. It is. But when you look at like the world through a magical eyes of a child, right? Like we have, everything is exciting. Everything is exciting. I mean, I told you when he showed up here in the, the fuzzy pillow and he was like, out of his mind, like wrapped around the fuzzy pillow now, fluffy and snuggly and soft. And,

Casey:

and sometimes it's just, it's so funny how sometimes the, just the simplest things. Like watching their faces with just the smallest little thing sometimes. And that is where I take the mental snapshot. Yeah. Because it's like

Pam:

that, that's what it's all about when he opened like a really simple thing, Mar got him the game of life for his birthday. Right. Cuz every single time they get together for any reason, he's like Marley, do you wanna play the game of life? And she loves the game as well. So she was like, I'm gonna buy that for Abraham so he can play whenever he wants. Right. Well, he opened that the other night and he was like, thank you my life. Like you cry. Like he was so, and he is like this huge smile on his face because he is got now got his very own. And I, and invited her to come, come over later. I mean, it was like eight o'clock at night at that point. But like you can come over later tonight and we can play my,

Casey:

my version, my,

Pam:

my game, your game of life, my game. So yeah, I mean, things like that, and, and Board games. I mean, our, I think our library, I think you can take out board games from our library. Oh, that's a good

Casey:

call. I never even, I

Pam:

haven't talk about old school. yeah. That is there's like stuff like that, that, that can just kind of spice things up totally. And Marley has Marley loves puzzles. And so I had a friend in town that was like, she had gotten me a puzzle. I think it was Christmas that has no edges. Mm-hmm it's like just the picture. And I was like, oh my God, I, so I asked her, she got it. And she was like I said, did you get it? She, she worked part-time at the hardware store. And I was like, did you get it at the hardware store? And she was like, no, but I have one, I have another one and my grandkids are gonna be here all summer. And so they have a table it's like an old drafting table. So it's like at an angle and you can sit on the little drafting stool, like the coolest thing ever. And they always have a puzzle going and she's I'm swapping it out for some kids' puzzles. I will drop it off. And you guys can work on that this summer. Oh, nice. Was like, she's oh, she keeps being like, we can get that puzzle started today. She cleared off the table and she was gonna get the puzzle started. And then she was like, I should wait until after the boys were here. Oh, probably call like the little tiny I don't know, a thousand pieces of a Mallard duck or something. she doesn't care what the picture is. She just is this is so fun. Challenge,

Casey:

challenge of it. I love a good

Pam:

puzzle. I know. I know it's good. So yeah, I mean, I think that there's lots of things that we can do and there's lots of, but, but all of the pieces around, like none of it works, none of it works. If we just keep like emptying out our cup and never refilling it, right. If we just keep giving to other people, being the doormat, allowing like everybody to walk on us and not taking, not pausing, not taking five minutes, five hours, five days for yourself, whatever you need.

Casey:

It's impossible to function effectively at that point. And having been someone who has been there, it's, it's just so hard and it's not fun, right. It just it feels like survival mode. It feels like you're just going through the motions and it's that it's just no way to live. Right. It's not fulfilled. And it's not good for anyone around you. Sure. You might be keeping people alive, but it's not, it's not, you're not living fully and everyone in your orbit is better off and happier for a happier

Pam:

you. Yeah, for sure. For sure. So if you're needing some strategies to be a happier, you, again, check out our Facebook group because there's lots of cool stuff in there sure is. Thank you so much for listening and, uh, we'll be back soon. We're making this out regular thing. So stay tuned. Bye guys. Take care.