Ep 74: The 5 Steps to Stop Yelling! Back to School Edition!

Back to School is upon us, and if you are like most moms, this brings with it a stressful before-school shift that includes trying to get to school and work on time, without losing your mind and your cool! 

We yell for a reason, we believe that getting louder = more impact and better results. But you might have noticed, if yelling is your go-to reaction that, it actually doesn’t work that way. In more cases, it just leaves everyone heading off for the day feeling crappy, disconnected and hurt. 

In this weeks episode we are going deep on why its important to create a calm and peaceful morning, and how to make that happen. 

No more wishing it was better, it’s time to actually make it so! So let’s dive into the 5 Steps to a Morning with less yelling and more cooperation. 

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Did you know that Pam’s background is in therapy, and YES, she still offers one-on-one services in the form of coaching. All Coaching is designed to help you create YOUR personal journey to a happier and healthier life. 

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The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

Pam: 0:00

Welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And this week we are talking all about how to parent without yelling. And since it is the end of the summer and where I live, kids are going back to school this week, next week, in the coming weeks. We're transitioning over into, you know, the free for all of summer. To back to school time, which in my household means getting on the bus at 6 30 a. m. In the morning, which is long before I even like to be awake. So our focus in this conversation is really around not yelling in the mornings and getting your kids out the door But the same rules apply. It's the same concept. It's all the same stuff that I teach In how to parent without yelling. So let's just dive straight in and get to it. Let's be honest back to school time can be really stressful and isn't that always the case when you're trying to get out the door with even just one child in tow. And when I say child, I mean, Your spouse sometimes, I mean, your adolescent, I mean, your two year old, right? And in each of those categories, whether you're talking about a 15 year old, a four year old, or a 55 year old, It's going to require different things from you, but these things are going to stay consistent. So you can use this in any area of your life. They are effective. And in case you didn't realize this yet about me, that is one of my superpowers is figuring out exactly what to say and how to say it in order to help your loved ones and yourself move forward in a way that works for everyone. Because connection is the ultimate goal. So how. Oh, how do we get out of the house without yelling? Now, I'll be honest. My daughter is 14 years old. She's going into high school and when she was little, there was a lot more yelling happening in the mornings before she got off to school. Now, this wasn't always me yelling. Actually most of the time it was not, it was my husband raising his voice. Because he was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. So there's no shame here. There's no Oh my God, I can't believe you're yelling. We yell as parents as a last resort. We yell because we think getting louder. We've learned this through our lifetime, right? Getting louder equals getting attention. And what we're ultimately trying to do as parents is to. Get our kids attention to get them to move faster, to take care of the things they need to take care of so that you can get out of the house. That might be getting their backpack, eating, getting their shoes on, brushing their teeth, whatever it is, whatever that consists of for you. It's the stuff that normally as adults, we've figured out. But if you live with a spouse, which I do, who gets in the car, To leave in every single time. I've never gotten in the car with him in our almost 15 years of marriage. Tomorrow is our anniversary, so by the time you hear this, it'll already be 15 years of marriage. And our... 17 years together or whatever it's been. I have never left the house with him and had him not have to go back in the house for something. Now, sometimes that's, we get in the car, we get in, he sits down, he gets out of the car and he goes back inside. But sometimes it's, we get in the car, we drive away, we have to turn around and come back. And literally I cannot recall one time in all of our years together, where he just comes out of the house with all the things he needs, gets in the car and drives away. And has everything, with him that he needs to have with him. It's just not how he's wired. And so it's no surprise. That my daughter, it took her a little while to figure things out, right? This is what he's seeing. I, on the other hand, I'm like, go through the checklists in my head. I put everything together. I make sure I have all my belongings and everything that I need. Usually they all go into a bag together. That's my strategy. But there's been plenty of times that I leave the house without stuff. I just don't go back. It's almost, there's like a component of me. That's do not admit that you forgot the thing and don't go back for it. I also come from the place of if I forgot it, whatever. No big deal. But if you have people in your life that are not prepared to leave the house and leave the house, or you're getting calls, I used to get calls often. I forgot my violin. I have violin today. I left my lunch bag on the table. My water bottle's in the back of your car. I used to get these calls all the time. And I was getting, would get so frustrated. Kid, just grab your shit. What is the issue? I don't understand. And those situations can very easily lead If you've ever told your kid to go upstairs and brush their teeth and get their shoes on and grab their jacket or their sweatshirt and whatever other things they need to do upstairs. And they come down and you're like, okay, you didn't grab a jacket. And they're like, no, but they have their shoes. They have their shoes with them, not on. Okay. Did you brush your teeth? No, I didn't brush my teeth. You didn't tell me to brush my teeth. Yes, I did tell you to brush your teeth and around and around it goes. So here are the five things, the five steps. It's the five components of the puzzle that you need in order to stop yelling. And first and foremost, which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone, is you need to set an intention. You need to resolve, you need to decide that you're going to stay calm. Now yelling Is a result or consequence of not staying calm when you stay calm, you're much less likely to yell. So obviously it makes sense. We stay calm. We're not going to yell. Now, here are a couple of things, right? First of all, you need to figure out what gets in the way. Of your not remaining calm. What is the barrier to calmness for you? And maybe it's overwhelm or stress. Maybe it's frustration. Maybe it's a story that says there's a deeper meaning about you as a mom. If you don't get your kid to school on time or if your kid misses the bus or something timeliness. And it's those stories that say I'm a bad mom because I can't get my kid to school on time. That lead to things like anxiety around time. That makes it more difficult to regulate emotions. That leads to the perfect storm for yelling every single morning. And I don't know if you've noticed or not. But on the days where you manage to not yell, not raise your voice, not get frustrated with your child while they're trying to get out the door, maybe you're a little bit more patient and calm, steady and stable, supportive. Things go smoother, even if it takes longer, things go smoother because what happens when we don't remain calm, when we do yell at our kids, before we send them off to school is you've just shifted their neurological system and you've sent them off to learn. And there's a transition that has to happen, right? There's a process by which our kids, all of them, whether they are four or 14 or 24. There's a process by which they resettle once they've become stressed out and yelling creates stress. So if you're like, I really want my kid to be prepared and ready for learning. And so I put all this effort and energy into making sure they have a healthy breakfast before they go to school or that they're prepared and their bags packed and they have all the things that they need, that they have their musical instrument for band or orchestra, that they have their science project that they worked on all night. Whatever it is that you're trying to set up for them, yelling derails all of that. So why bother do all those other things if your natural tendency in the morning is to yell because they're not doing what you're asking them to do. Now, remember, I understand yelling comes from a place of, Hey, I recognize this is what's in your best intention. You need to move faster. I'm feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. And I am concerned that you're not going to get out of the house in time. So I raised my voice because a louder equals heard louder does not equal heard, but it's our cognitive distortion, our belief, a story that says, the louder I get, the more heard I am. So step one is you have to decide that you're going to remain calm. Now, I also understand that might mean you have to resolve or commit or set the intention to remain calm 37 times a day. It's okay. We're not judging here. It's not like, Oh, I decided this morning I set the intention that I was going to remain calm and three minutes into getting ready and trying to get out the door. I was yelling. You recognize it. You go, sorry, I raised my voice. That was not my intention. I'm resetting to the place of calm. This also means That you're going to have to figure out what do you need in your life to maintain that sense of calmness, right? One of the things people say to me all the time is oh, you're so calm. I need you to understand little confession time. I am not calm by nature. That's not who I am. I am a hothead, right? By nature, if you knew me as an adolescent, if you grew up with me, if you lived in my household, you knew that very quickly. I have a very short fuse and I don't, but I don't hold onto things, right? That's how I'm wired. I have a short fuse. I blow up. I explode. I yell. I do not maintain calm. And then I reground pretty quickly, right? This is the cycle that I've lived my whole life. And about a decade ago, around the time Marlee was like three or four years old. I decided that's not who I wanted to be anymore. I decided that who I wanted to be was somebody that didn't just portray calmness to the world as a therapist and as a parent and as a coach, but I actually wanted to feel calm on the inside. And that's when I started meditating, to be quite honest. And when I started meditating, it was like, I'm going to run and that's going to be my meditation because I'm going to set the intention of focusing my mind and being present in my run. Because if you had asked me a decade ago to sit and meditate, I would have been like, you nuts, I could never do that. Now I can sit for, an hour and meditate and it feels amazing. So the things to keep in mind. Meditation helps to ground us. It helps us to regulate our nervous system, regular practices and regulating the nervous system help with regulating the nervous system, right? Being around people that are calm. That's co regulation. We talk about it in parenting all the time that you co regulate with your children. You provide the calm, stable, steady being so that they can calm as a result of your calm. We do the same thing throughout our lives. We seek out people that help us to stay calm, to feel inspired, to feel grateful. This is why we go to conferences and trainings and learn new things. And we go to yoga classes and want to hang out with the yoga teachers. These are the reasons why. You have those people in your life. You know who you need to go to when you want to feel inspired. You know who you need to go to when you want to feel grounded. You know who you need to go to when you want to feel excited. Or, if you're angry, you know who's going to partner up with you on that anger, right? So we do this naturally, but the calmer you can become the greater sense of calm that you can maintain the easier. It's going to be to get out the door for everyone in the morning. So that's number one. Number two is know what to say. Often I hear I don't really know what to say. So I'll tell them to hurry up or say, we've got to leave in 10 minutes, move it or the bus is going to be here any minute. And all that does is create more stress. And so you've got to know what to say. How to say it based on what your child's needs are. Now, oftentimes we think I need to be a mind reader. I need to, the only way to figure this out is if I can read their mind and know what they need, that's not true. Ask them, have a conversation and say, Hey, back to school is coming up or back to school has started. And this is how it started out. And my goal is to. Not yell. And so I want to be able to support you in the way that you need to be supported. So can we talk out? What do you really feel like gets in the way of you getting out the door in the morning? Now, this is going to be a different conversation with your 16 year old than it is going to be with your 6 year old. But with your 6 year old, you can offer the things that you notice. I notice it's a little bit more challenging for you to get out the door when I tell you to go brush your teeth, grab your jacket, grab your backpack, and put your shoes on. Is it more helpful for me to tell you one thing at a time? Is it more helpful for us to write it down? We put a little chart on the wall in the bathroom or in your bedroom and we get into the habit of looking at the chart to make sure those things are taken care of, right? Know what they need to hear from you. Maybe they're a kid that needs to hear you're doing great. You've got this. No big deal. Maybe they're a kid that needs to know, even if you miss the bus, I'll get you to school. Maybe they're a kid that needs you to just get out of their damn way. We all have experiences with those types of people, right? I got it. I can do it myself. Just get out of my way. So understanding what your child's needs are and understanding what words are helpful here. And then you practice having conversations. You practice talking about this stuff. You practice letting them know. Like why you're doing what you're doing. So number two and number three kind of go together. So number two is like what to say when to say it, how to say it. I'll give you an example in my household. My daughter sets three alarms on her little like Alexa robot thing. And the three alarms go off at different intervals. I don't know. She's got it all set up based on when she needs to get out of bed and they're all different alarms. So she knows, Oh, that's the first one. Oh, that's the second one. Oh, that's the third one. It's time for me to get up. She knows this. Now I can teach her all the science I want to teach her about how. Snoozing or having multiple alarms actually doesn't allow your nervous system. To get as good as sleep, good quality of sleep, all that stuff. But this is how she's decided she needs to wake up. She's 14 years old. If this is what works for her, then I will support her in that. So I know that her last alarm, at least last year, when she had to catch the bus at 7 30, her last alarm went off at 6 50. 650, which this year will show of Mr. Boss our first goes alarm goes off at 6 25. And I think that's her window of she's got three alarms to go off in that time frame. But I will say to her like on mornings that maybe it's been a really exhausting week. There's been a lot on her plate. I noticed she's not really moving. Cause I'll go in and check on her. I don't wake her up, but I go in and check on her like, good morning, and I give her a kiss. And when she was younger or when she doesn't set an alarm, my strategy for waking her up is just crawl into bed with her, right? That's what she needs. That's what she wants. So if it is seven o'clock and I know seven, 10 is like no man's land. If we get, if it's after seven, 10, she's missing the bus. I also know that she's got ADHD and pressure works well for her. So that time frame between like 6. 50 and 7. 10, if I can get her out of bed and get her moving in that time frame, there'll be enough pressure that she'll be able to fly through everything. On the flip side, if she gets up at 6. 15, It'll take her just as long, but she'll still use up all the time. She'll still be getting her shoes on at 727, with the bus coming up the hill and the neighbor going, the bus, the bus! It's just who she is. So I will say to her at 7 o'clock, Hey hun, it's 7 o'clock. And she goes, okay. My husband will say to her, Marley, the bus is gonna be here in a half an hour. Now, our adult logical brain might be like that's the same thing. The bus is going to be here in a half an hour and because the bus comes at 7 30 and I say to her, Hey hon, it's seven o'clock and it has nothing to do with the Marley. I could say, hey Marley, it's seven o'clock. When I say it's seven o'clock, she goes, okay. And she slithers out of bed. When he says, the bus is going to be here in a half an hour, she gets out of bed pissed. She goes into the bathroom pissed. She gets dressed pissed. She brushes her teeth pissed. She comes downstairs pissed. And she's pissed until I help her to co regulate. And she has said, that stresses me out. When you say, The bus is going to be here in a half an hour that stresses me out because he'll, but he'll couple it with, if you miss the bus, it's no big deal. I'll just take you to school. And again, as an adult who maybe doesn't feel the same pressure that my 14 year old feels might say that's really kind of him and he's being supportive and he is and she really wants to ride the bus. So he thinks that's going to motivate her to move instead of pisses her off. So this is what I mean when I say, know what to say, know the right words, know what's going to help your child move. And there has never been a time in my house where when we say, Hey, it's fine. Don't worry about it. We'll get you to school that's had a positive impact. Instead, she freaks out. Oh my God. I missed the bus. I'm not going to ride to school with my friends. And they have a half an hour or longer really bus ride because of how the bus system works. So she gets to hang out with her friends. She sits on the bus with one of her friends and they just chat all the way into school. So that's important to her. Number three is don't keep them in the dark. So this is really speaks to your why let them know why you're doing this, what you're doing and how they can be of assistance. So this might be coupled with a conversation on knowing what to say, you're practicing the pre conversations, but that you're saying, Hey, a couple of things, one, I'm committing to helping you get out of the house on time this year so that you can ride the bus to be with your friends, right? In my household, we've determined this is important. So this is the conversation I have. It's my goal to help you achieve your goals. It's also my goal to help you to achieve your goals without yelling, which means I'm going to need some help from you. This is why this is important. I noticed that when I yell, it creates an unrest. It's like you get overwhelmed or agitated or stressed out or upset with me, which makes sense. I'd get upset with me too if I were yelling at me. And I don't want that to be how your day starts. I don't want that to be how you're feeling in the morning when you get on the bus or when you're headed into school. I don't want you to have to carry that stress. So what I'm working on is not yelling. Can you help? They're going to say, of course I can help. What do you need from me? And then you have the opportunity to express what you need. What I need, the component that you can play in this is if you can get your backpack packed. Before school in the morning, if you can know, like in my house, do you have orchestra today or not? Is it an a day or a B day or, it was middle school and high school is odds and evens. What day of the week is it? What do you need? What bag do you need to bring? In high school, she has two different bags of odd day and an even day bag just makes life easier. And you need to bring your instrument other things you need to bring, know that the night before. Stick it by the door, hang it on the hook, whatever you, whatever your space is, whatever your thing is, get that stuff together. If you've got little kids and you're like, it's winter time. Cause that used to happen here all the time where in order to go outside on the playground in elementary school, they had to bring their snow gear. So it's like an entirely. Additional bag, they have to have shoes that they can wear in the classroom, dry shoes. So they have like their winter boots and their sneakers for the classroom or because they have P. E. And their snow pants and their hats and their gloves and all the things, right? You want all the extra things or anytime there's an extra day with extra things and they've got to bring in snacks for the classroom whatever the hell it is. Helping get that stuff packed the night before. So that you're ready to go in the morning. And if you are an ADHD mom, like me, then having the same routine and structure might not work for you. But if you're lucky enough to be an ADHD mom with a kid who does not struggle with that, or with a kid who routine works really well for, then you set up a routine. You meet their needs and you say, Hey, this is how I can get what I need from you. So one of the things that we've done in this household is we've looked at the next piece. And the next piece is teaching them the basics. So you've already decided I'm not going to yell. You've figured out what is the language that I need to use? How do I need to speak to them in the morning? How can I communicate to help them move along in the process? You've explained to them why you're doing what you're doing, what they can do to help and how you can collaborate together to make things go more smoothly. Number four, and we have to practice all these ourselves, but number four is where we start teaching them the basic rules around communication and living in the world. And these are the things we need as adults, but you can start teaching them from day one. The first is being open to feedback. So this is a willingness to hear both sides. To listen to maybe criticism and the goal is to do so without criticizing, without judging and without an attitude or backlash or anything like that. So for instance, here's how you could model this. You say to your child, Hey, one of the things that's really important is being open to feedback. So I would love your feedback. How do you think the mornings have gone this week? Do you feel like I've done a pretty good job with not yelling? They will tell you and if you have not developed a dynamic where they'll just tell you anything Chances are it's because they have a belief that they're gonna get rejected for it So even more so important you've got to be willing to be open to feedback without reacting that you say, okay. Thanks for that feedback. That was helpful, I'll take that into consideration Maybe we can talk about it this weekend and see if we can come up with a strategy that will help us moving forward This works well with friends. If a friend is upset with you. If you're teaching them how to hear criticism, feedback, struggles, a willingness to hear both sides of the story, right? When you practice listening to both sides of the story, when you don't shut any of your children down, if you've got multiple kids and there's something going on, a conflict between them. You're not shutting anyone down. You're just hearing, you're just allowing both of them to share their stories one at a time. And you say, okay, thank you for that information. And that's where it goes. That's what I'm talking about. When I say be open to feedback, what's really helpful in this practice is to seek it out. We have a tendency to think that grades are feedback. Grades are not feedback. Grades are judgments of the execution and the outcomes. Feedback is like, how did I do during this process? What could I improve on? What did you really appreciate? And you start to have these conversations with your kids. Not so they start to see the negative, but so that they can start to recognize that it's normal to have a back and forth dialogue around what went well and what didn't go well. And where's the room for improvement? This is how we grow. And so we've got to, that's, but that's an emotional thing. You've got to learn how to sit with that. number two, the second thing on the basics to teach them is how to follow directions. And there was a process here. It's not just because somebody gave you a direction, you follow it. It's we have to look at things like safety, comfort. Security, like what is the direction asking? Does the direction put me at risk or not put me at risk, right? There's all those kind of things we need to think about and look at when we're teaching our kids to follow directions. But we're, I'm talking basic directions. I'm talking, Hey guys, hop in a line over there. Or when you're saying run upstairs and brush your teeth because we need to go. Or you're asking them to empty the dishwasher, or you're asking them to clean up their room. They don't need to know the why right now. It's okay for them to ask the why. The idea is not to shut the why down, but rather to say, when they say, why do I have to brush my teeth twice a day? Or why do I have to brush my teeth this morning? I brushed them last night. And you're saying, okay I'm happy to have that conversation with you, but let's have that conversation in the car once we're moving, because right now we need to focus on getting our teeth brushed. And instead of there being an argument, instead of there being a refusal, they're like, okay, got it. Because what you're asking them to do, what you're really truly doing is you're teaching them the guidelines of like how we show up in the world. and they're learning this stuff everywhere. They're learning this stuff at school, right? When they want to ask a question, they raise their hand. When they need to use the restroom, they have to get a pass or they need to ask the teacher or something. So what's going to be really important for you and your child is that you gauge their willingness to follow directions are going to be some that when you ask them to do something, they're going to immediately put their foot down and be like why do I have to do this? I don't want to do this. And they're going to be others that you ask them to do something and they immediately do it. And then you start worrying about do they do this with everyone? Anytime somebody tells them to do something, did they just. Do it because somebody said so but at the end of the day, following directions, like for instance, putting together an Ikea bookshelf has directions. I know there's no words in it. It's only pictures, but the ability to go step one, step two, step three, step four, those are directions, right? The ability for them to follow directions in a project at school or follow directions and the things that you're asking them to do. All of that is important, but always leave space. And it's okay if you don't know the why, if you're if they're doing homework, this has happened a million times in my household and my daughter will say, why do I have to do this? This makes no sense to me. And I'm like, I don't know, it makes no sense to me either. It seems dumb, but you've decided you've committed to this thing. So execute it. Number three is clear expression. And this includes things like I messages, I feel blank when this occurs, and It also includes time and place that's like when they ask, Hey, why do I have to brush my teeth twice a day when they're stalling on brushing their teeth? And you're like, Hey, how about you brush your teeth? And then we can talk about it. That's an example of that. It's also the case when you're trying to have a conversation with like your adolescent, that is maybe a little bit more sensitive or is something that needs a little bit more time or an opportunity for both parties to get calm, to talk about it. You want the environment to be conducive to the type of conversation you're having. Maybe it's a private conversation, so you want to have a private space to have that conversation. Maybe there's some sort of other party that you don't want to have the conversation in front of, or that party is going to create more conflict in the conversation. So clear expression and being able to say, Hey, this is what I need. This is what I'm experiencing. This is what's going on for me. Like I said, with. It's really important for you to be using those as well. I'm feeling frustrated. Can you help me out? Here's the things that I need from you. The idea here is that you're communicating in a way that is not designed to put the other person on defensive. You're not blaming, not pointing the finger, but you're creating an environment, time and space for you to be able to have open and honest communication about things. And all relationships need that. And number four, Is looking at the impact that we make on others and taking responsibility for our actions. And those two go together because one of the things that we see often in an, even in adulthood is that individuals don't recognize the impact they have on the people around them. So maybe you've seen somebody blow up or freak out on an airplane. Have you ever had that experience? There have been tons of conversations on social media recently about grown-ass adults having meltdowns or freaking out for not getting what they want or get their, getting their needs met on airplanes. Essentially these adults are having. I guess temper tantrums. And they're not recognizing that those behaviors impact people around them. This is true in all walks of life. What you do, what you say, how you show up in the world, what you experience, it has an impact on the people around you. So you need to recognize that. And I'm not saying you can't react or respond the way that you do. This whole podcast episode is about. Finding ways to not yell, right? And so the reason that you're here listening to this is because you recognize that when you yell at your kids or anybody in your life, it has an impact on them. Now, this is positive and negative. When I talk about impact, it can be. Having a positive impact. It could be having a negative impact. And some of us are really attuned and aware of the negative impact we have on people, but we're not so tuned into the positive impact that we might have on people. This step, this number four is owning and understanding and being willing to look at the impact that you have on those around you and taking responsibility for it. It really is that simple. It's like not being defensive, accepting compliments. Allowing someone to share their story, their experiences, and just holding space for it instead of reacting. That's what number four is all about. What is your impact and can you take responsibility? There's some really simple examples of taking responsibility that I want to share with you. It might be something like how we respond when someone makes a request. There was an incident the other day where a piece of my daughter's lunch containers. She brings salads for lunch, usually. Piece of her lunch container, which was like the rubber seal somehow made its way into the dishwasher. So it must have been on a piece of the plastic where made its way into the dishwasher. And it came off of the plasticware, wrapped around the fan thing in the bottom of the dishwasher, the spinny thing, and attached itself to the bottom basket, and like the dishwasher was stuck and we couldn't get it open, and I had to go in underneath and untangle things and untwist things. And it's like rubbery, so it was like stretching and all sorts of weird stuff was happening. And I just said to my daughter, Hey, we've got to make sure that these are not on containers when they go in the dishwasher. And she went, okay. And then I said to my husband a little while later, Hey, that rubber thing from the containers. He's yeah. I'm like, you know what I'm talking about? He says, yeah. I said, that can't go in the dishwasher because this is what happens when it does. And he said, it didn't go in the dishwasher. And I was like, it did actually. Cause I had to perform surgery to get it out. And he was like I don't think I put it in the dishwasher. I was like, okay. Later we had a conversation about that reaction, right? And I'm not asking anyone to say, yep, it's all my fault. But it's a situation like that where you say, Hey, can we make sure that this doesn't happen? The appropriate response is, yeah, sure. Can we make sure that this doesn't go in the dishwasher? Yeah, sure. Can we make sure that this doesn't go in the dryer? Yeah, sure. Can we make sure that when you bring the car home, you put gas in it? Yeah, sure. Because our kids are eventually going to be old enough. And I don't know, maybe some of you are planning that the moment your child starts driving, that you're going to buy them a car. That's fine. But for most of us, we got behind the wheel of a car that was not our own. It was our parents car or a friend's car or something, right? And taking responsibility would be putting fucking gas in the car when you bring it back. Taking responsibility would be cleaning your trash out of the car. Taking responsibility would be when you borrow someone's clothes, you wash them the way that they need to be washed and you return them that those are forms of taking responsibility. So just a little side note. Okay. So number five, that's like number four, teaching them the basics. So they understand these relationship and communication things, tools, basic building blocks that are really necessary. And number five. And this is so freaking important. And I'll explain why. Number five is demonstrate appreciation. So if you truly want to not be yelling at your child or anybody else in your life to getting out of the house or any other time in parenting where things are not going your way, the more that you can demonstrate, share, communicate that you are appreciative or grateful to them or something that they've done, the easier it's going to be to not yell. And here's why first and foremost. When you demonstrate appreciation, when you express gratitude, it solidifies in your own nervous system, the glue that binds us in meaningful, important relationships by releasing oxytocin, which is a hormone that is like that feel good connection. Like when you're like, when you like snuggling with the person that you love, or you feel familiar and connected with people in your life, that's that's. Oxytocin. That's what that is. So that's reason number one. Reason number two is that science tells us that gratitude actually brings us closer. We develop deeper and more meaningful relationships when we express gratitude or appreciation to someone about something that they have done or some characteristic that lives inside of them. Number three is that gratitude helps to reduce anxiety. If you are yelling at your kids because you want to get them out of the house because it's really important that they get to school on time because, Oh my God, what are these other moms going to think of me if I can't even get my kids out of the house and to school on time? I'm just such a mess. They're going to know I'm a mess and they're going to hate me because I'm a mess. Expressing gratitude allows you to calm that shit down. It allows the anxiety to reduce. And as the anxiety reduces, what you will start to notice is that those things feel less and less important. You have the opportunity to say, does it really matter if we're on time? Does it really matter if my kid misses the bus and I have to drive them to school? Is that the end of the world? Probably not, especially in the short term, because this is what this is all about, right? We're creating an overall cultural shift in our household. More peace, more harmony, more collaboration and connection. So we do this for a short period of time. I'm not saying for the next 15 years, if that's how much longer you have, that you have to get your kids out of the house. I'm not saying that's the timeframe at which you have to do all of these things clearly. I'm saying this is the process so that you don't yell at your kids. And what you'll find over time is the easier it is for you to stay calm, the less yelling, the more effective and productive they are getting out of the house. Then things start going smoother and smoother. And then you start to be able to adapt this to other areas of the day, like homework, afterschool activities, extracurriculars, chores, right? Relationships, all the other things. You apply these same concepts. Right now we're talking about getting out of the house without yelling. But it applies all over the board. And number four is that gratitude actually helps to reduce inflammation. And let me just talk about this here's like my four second PSA. Inflammation for us women in particular is the pathway for illness, injury, disease. Inflammation starts as acute inflammation, and I don't mean it's cute, acute, small amounts, short periods, short duration of inflammation. Then all of a sudden we start to notice, Oh, I have back pain, hip pain, shoulder pain. I have neck pain. I'm having digestive health issues. You start to maybe notice other shifts in the body. Maybe your knees bothering you, right? You're starting to see this manifestation of a little bit more pain, a little bit more illness or injury, which then becomes disease, which then, moves us, shortens the lifespan. The process is acute inflammation to chronic inflammation, to disease. That is the path, acute inflammation, chronic inflammation, disease. If the practice of gratitude can help to reduce inflammation. That's going to impact things like your mental health and well being, your physical health and well being, your digestive health, your relationships, obviously are going to get better because you're going to physically feel better, but things like fibromyalgia, things like Crohn's disease, colitis the symptoms of Lyme disease, even cancer, right? Cancer, heart disease diabetes, cholesterol, blood pressure, all of those illnesses. Develop as a result of some sort of inflammation, chronic inflammation in the system. So if there's one thing that you can do to improve your physical and emotional health and wellbeing, it's practice gratitude. So these are the five steps. These are the five things that need to be in place. And, I talked about the benefits of gratitude, but there's also relational benefits in the context of your relationship with your child. When you're expressing genuine appreciation and gratitude, not Hey, you did a good job. Thanks so much for that. Things that kind of feel generic, but Hey, I really appreciate your willingness to help out by unloading the dishwasher. That was really helpful for me today. And it allowed me to go sit in meditation. Hey, I really appreciate your willingness to help out with your sibling. That allowed me to take a walk. Hey, I really appreciate these things. It took this off my plate and this is how it impacted me. That's what I'm talking about. What starts to happen on the receiving end is more oxytocin, which means more connection, and then you're modeling a behavior that you want to see more of. So then your kids start expressing gratitude and appreciation for things. It's really that simple. So those are the five steps to stop yelling at your kids. Today, and in particular to stop yelling at your kids while you're trying to get them out the door to school or whatever important activity that they have going on in the coming weeks and months. I would love to hear how this goes for you. Let me know, hit me up on Instagram@parentingtherapistp am hop into my DMS over there or shoot me an email. We would love to hear from you. Thank you guys so much for being here. And I look forward to seeing you next week. Take care.