Ep 75: The REAL Secrets to Parenting Your Preteen without Conflict

Parenting preteens can be challenging for lots of reasons. These are the prime years for connection and collaboration. But they are coupled with growing needs, bigger emotions, and more complex relationships. 

In this week's episode, we will dive into the secrets that I have discovered in my 25 years working with families and preteens. 

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Transcript

Pamela: 0:01

Welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And this week we are talking all about parenting. Your pre-teens that's right. The favorite age that eight to 13 or so. This is the timeframe where lots of internal changes are happening. Lots of relational changes are happening. And what we tend to see at home as lots of behavioral changes are happening as well. And there's some really clear. Reasons for this. And if you don't want to be stalking your teenager on life 360, because you're constantly in fear that they're lying to you, that they're not where they say they're going to be. Then this episode is for you. You need to listen up and do this work now so that you don't end up there in a couple of years. So let's dive in. So first let's talk about why this timeframe is so important. I already alluded in the intro. To the idea that this is where you're laying the groundwork for those teenage years. My daughter is 14, which means she's going into the high school next week. What does that mean? That means when they get to the high school, if you haven't had this experience yet, there's way less supervision. There's way less oversight. They're not staff around all the time, making sure they're where they're supposed to be doing what they're supposed to be doing. And if I want to be able to trust her and you want to be able to trust your kids by the time they get to 14, because that's not really that far beyond those pre-teen years, right? This is early teenager. And I don't know about you, but when I was a freshman in high school, I wasn't necessarily doing what I was supposed to be doing. So it's very easy to fall into that trap of being like, oh my God, my kids will be awful. Like me or I was an angel and my kids are going to be awful because I was an angel. It doesn't matter. We still worry. The way around that is to lay the foundational work and to actually. Help your pre-teens connect with you now to allow you to be a resource for them. So that they come to you that they have a trusting relationship with you and they can be honest and they know that you're not going to lose your shit. Even if something not so great is going on. These are the years of the foundation, right? These are the years where you're building connection and collaboration. These are the years you want them to come to you for advice? So that gets programmed in so that when they're teenagers, they're also coming to you for advice, or they're coming to you for your words of wisdom at the very least. Now there's two big concepts. I want to talk about. That we talk about a lot in conscious parenting. We talk about a lot in parenting in the style in which I often teach. And these two concepts are empathy and compassion. Now. You may have heard empathy and compassion used interchangeably, but they are not interchangeable. They are not the same thing. Empathy really speaks to your ability to see a perspective from somebody else's point of view. To see feelings or thoughts from someone else's perspective, right? Not your own. Compassion. Is about recognizing that someone else is suffering. Great name. It sound the same there. I've see that you're suffering. Empathy. I'm making the effort to see things from your perspective, compassion, I'm recognizing your suffering, but here's the difference. Here's the big difference. The big difference is with compassion. We take action to help. And while this is important in parenting your preteen and your teen and your child. It's important that we don't rush into things because as parents in this age, we tend to rush into things because when your six year old fell down, when your four year old fell down, you were the solution. Now, maybe you've noticed that your eight, nine ten-year-old isn't coming to you. Doesn't want your help? Doesn't want your support. Doesn't want your opinion on things. That is normal. As parents, we have a tendency to lean into fixing and correcting and advising. I so when your child comes home and says, I just had a conflict with my friend, you're like, do you want me to call the friend's parent? When something's gone on at school, your immediate reaction is to call the school or email the teacher or something to step in and intercede. But what's really important at this age is that's not your first reaction. Your job is to be there. To listen. To hear them to practice empathy. To see things from their perspective. And the real issue here is not that you want to fix or. Correct or advise, it's not that you want to teach them the right way or give them advice on how to manage the situation or fix it for them. The real issue here is most of that shit comes from our own baggage. My drive to fix you. Comes from a place of needing to be in power of needing to be in control. And that's not going to help your preteen. Manage their difficulty, right? Because this is the timeframe. Third grade hits relationships are getting more complex. They're playing sports together. Now's the time that they're asking to spend time with their peers versus you making play dates with your friend, because they've got kids the same age, all of a sudden kids that were friends, like maybe you and another mom are good friends and your kids were friends. And now they're drifting apart. They're moving into different friend groups. And it's slow at first. It might just be like, yeah, I didn't really want to have a play date with Addie or I don't really want to go over to Jimmy's house And then it starts to become more I want to spend personal time with this person's my priority, these relationships in my priority. These shifts start happening and we see it on the playgrounds, in the lunchrooms. This is the timeframe. If you're. Child doesn't have a friend click and they definitely are cliques. Third and fourth grade. Then they're not sitting with the same group of friends every day at lunch. They're not playing with the same people on the playground every day at lunch or at recess time. You're like, what did you do today? And they're like, oh, I played with so-and-so. what did you do today? Oh, I played this thing with this other person. And what that means is that they haven't solidified a friend click. That's not good or bad. It's just something to recognize that is the norm at this age. That is, those are the things that are happening. It's like the group of friends, they're all on the same sports team together, or they all do dance together. Gymnastics or, like I said, sports teams, baseball, softball, soccer, the same group of kids come together over and over again. Maybe they're in the same classes. And then they sit together at lunch. And this is also the age, at least at our elementary school, where they go from being assigned by the teacher. This is the teachers, these two tables belong to this teacher. At lunch too. You can sit with whoever you want. So now they have to actually start navigating social relationships. So not only are the in sides changing emotions are becoming bigger. Relationships and how they feel about people are changing. They also have to navigate it in the outside world. There's less structure at school around social and peer. Third grade is around the time where. The stop getting invited to every kid in the classrooms, birthday party, and they start inviting their friends. They start having a couple of kids or smaller parties or specific parties for a specific groups. A peer groups, right? All of this is to say, This is where shit gets harder for your kid. And if you have any leftover baggage, This is where it's going to show up. Like I remember being in sixth grade and standing in the hot lunch line, because I think most days I probably brought my lunch.'cause. I don't remember this every day. I just remember it happening on the days that I did. By lunch. Standing in the hot lunch line thinking. Oh, my God. I hope there's a spot at the table for me. I think probably prior to that, I was one of the first people at the lunch table because I brought my lunch and my friends bought lunch. And so it wasn't an issue for me. I don't actually recall if there was ever a day. Where I got to the lunch table and there was no seat for me, or if I had to sit somewhere else, I don't recall that being an experience, but I recall the worry standing in line and I remember it specifically on one day, standing in line and worrying. Is there going to be a seat at the table for me? And one of my stories for my whole life has been, do people want me around, does anybody want to hear what I have to say? So if your third grader or fourth grader or fifth grader or sixth grader comes home, And is talking about conflict with friends. I'm not finding a place to sit at lunch, not feeling like they have a friend group feeling like friends or being mean to them, or they're getting picked on by their friend group. This might bring up in you that feeling that experience to use my story as an example of not having a place to sit at lunch in sixth grade. Now do you think that me being emotional about me not having a place to sit or worrying about having a place to sit at lunch in sixth grade is going to help my kid. I can guarantee you the answer is no. Not if I'm still living in that emotion. Now it might offer me the ability to very easily slide into empathy, to be able to say, Yeah. I recall what it was like to worry about that. So I hear you. I really truly understand. And now I am taking the extra steps. To see it from your perspective, not to see it from my perspective, because you don't need my shit. But does he actually see it from your perspective? That's what empathy is all about. That's why we're doing this work. So while we understand that our role, that our belief as parents, as moms is like when you're supposed to fix it or correct it, or advise them or help them out or. Give them directions or teach them. What comes next? What your. Preteen truly needs from you is they need to feel. Heard. Seen. And understood. Now. What does that mean? Have you ever gone out with your girlfriend and maybe you're upset with your spouse? I've never, ever had this experience before. And you go out with your girlfriend and you just. Complaint. You just want to share the struggle that you're going through with a conflict, with something that's gone on with your significant other. And your friend. Just listens. She doesn't give you a solution. She doesn't give you advice. She doesn't tell you how to navigate the situation. She just simply listens. How does that feel? Does it feel good to have someone in your life listen to your point of view and your story? To have someone maybe even lean in with some validation and say, I'm sorry, you're going through that. But they're leading with empathy. I can see. Why that would be so hard. Or I can't imagine. What you're going through right now. That's okay, too. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. And. We might think, our logical mind might be like, oh, that's actually not empathy. Because the purpose of empathy. Is two. Understand. Thoughts and feelings from another person's perspective. But saying something like, man, I can't even imagine what you're going through right now is extremely validating because what you're actually saying is, wow, this is huge. This is so big. And I am here for you and I see you and I hear you. And my gosh. I am here to support whatever you need. When we say things like that. Because we're not really saying, I can't imagine what it feels like to be you because we can imagine what it feels like to be the other person in most situations, unless, you've never practiced empathy. That's one example of just being heard, seen, and understood. Maybe you're sharing a struggle about your day at work or a day with the kids. With your partner. And instead of giving you advice, Or judging or saying why don't you do this instead? The other person's simply acknowledges your emotions. I say, wow. It seems today was really stressful for you. Wow. It seems like you're feeling really overwhelmed this week. Oh, wow. I can see that you're upset. And then we can add from there. They might say. Is there anything I can do? Do you need to take a break? Let me take over with the baby or with the teenager. Your preteen is just looking for the same thing. They're just looking for you to say I see you. I hear you. I feel what you're going through. I understand. Now, if you use the words, I understand, they're going to tell you, you don't understand. Because your mom. You don't understand. Because nobody has ever felt emotions as big as their emotions. Nobody is ever felt as awful as they feel. Nobody has ever felt as joyful as they feel. No one has ever experienced what I'm experiencing. We've all been there. All that is a lack of emotional regulation. It's being in the emotion. So if somebody says to you, if you're. Nine-year-old says to you, you don't understand. Arguing the point that you understand is not going to get you anywhere. You just say you're right. I'm sorry. And then you move forward from there. That is empathy, right? That is you putting yourself in your kid's position. If you. Told someone about something awful that happened in your life and they had never experienced it. And they said, oh yeah, yeah, no, I know, I know exactly how you feel. And you're like, No, you don't know exactly how I feel. I can tell by looking at you, I've known you long. I know that you don't know exactly how I feel. You telling your. Preteen that you understand is the equivalent of that. Because they can't see you as the emotional being that you are. Outside of their own emotions. Right there in their emotions. They can't see you. Outside on the other side of their emotions. As being an emotional being there, your mom. The biggest mistake we make as parents. Of pre-teens is jumping to advice. So they come home and they complain about a friend and you're like, ah, this is what you need to do. This is what you should say. This is how you should handle this situation. It's the equivalent of giving unsolicited advice. Have you ever gotten unsolicited advice in your life? Most of us, including our kids. Don't want unsolicited advice. And they definitely don't want unsolicited advice. From their mom. Because as far as they are concerned, You know, nothing you've experienced nothing. You're an idiot. And part of our job in parenting this age group is just to accept it. That's their view of us right now. And that's okay. Because it doesn't matter what their emotional view of us is. If they keep showing up. And looking for our advice and taking our advice. And this is my experience when you approach it this way. They do. They embrace your advice and they start taking your advice. And then before you know it, you hear them giving your advice to their friends because if their friend's parents aren't doing this work. Then their friends are shutting their parents out and then they're going to your child, which is what happens in my household. To get their advice that they're certainly not going to ask their own parent for. When you jumped to advice to quickly, the message that you're sending or preteen is I don't trust that you're capable of handling this yourself. It's extremely disempowering to have somebody. Stand over you and micromanage you and tell you how you need to manage your emotions. What you need to do in a given situation with your boss, your spouse, your kid. In particular when you're not open to it, if you're listening to this podcast or if you're listening to any content on parenting, you're listening to it from a place of, Ooh, I want to make a change. When your child comes to you and says, mom, having the struggle, can you help? What they're saying is, Ooh, I want to make a change. Ooh, I want to approach this differently. Ooh. I want the outcome to be different. That's your opportunity. To advise. And if there's information that you really want to share with them, then you need to ask permission just like everything else. Just because they are your kid doesn't mean you get to just decide. What they have to listen to. So you might say things like. Are you open? To me offering you this advice. Are you open to hearing some thoughts? Would you like some input? Or would you prefer to talk it out? This opens the door, not just for you to share your own advice. If you just start pulling from them. The knowledge and wisdom that already lives in there. Cause. Up until this point, they've lived with you most of their life, right? If not all of their life. And they've heard your feedback. They know who you are, they know what you're going to say. And so sometimes they might say, I know, I know, I know you're going to tell me that I should take a break and walk away from this render. You're going to tell me that I need to take a few deep breaths or you're going to tell me. That I have a right to have this. Thought or this experience or this opinion. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna tell you. That's usually how it goes. But when you ask permission, can I share. Are you open? Are you willing to hear this right now? When they say yes. You've opened the doorway. For healthy communication. You're setting a precedent. That you respect. They're right to not listen. But here's the thing. You can't do this. You can't ask their opinion. You can't say, Hey, can I help you out? Hey, can I support you? You can't validate you. You can't empower, you can't demonstrate empathy. And then we start to slide into compassion. I recognize that you're suffering and I take action to help. What can I do? How can I be of service? How can I help you? You can't do any of that. If you're a fucking train wreck. If your emotions are pulling you in 300 different directions. If you're a child coming home and telling you that they struggled and they didn't eat their lunch day because they couldn't find a place to sit in the cafeteria. And you go back to that story in sixth grade, where you were experiencing anxiety about not having a place to sit. Instead of being there with your child. You're going to create more disconnection. You're going to create a greater riff between you and your teen. But. When you lead with empathy, when you learn to validate. When you recognize that as their needs expand as they go from these little tiny things that need a hug or want to snuggle. To these kids that have rollercoaster of emotions. You recognize that you have to be more loving, more affirming. More compassionate, more validating. And you have to have greater emotional regulation skills. You need to be able to check your shit at the door. And this is the work that I do, right? This is what I talk about all the time that as parents, it is so important for us to heal our own shit, to check our shit at the door, to put a lid on our own dumpster fire. So that we don't allow that toxic sludge to seep all over our children. And if my daughter comes home and says, I'm anxious about where to sit at lunch. And I don't have any friends to sit with. None of my friends are at my lunch period. And I go back to all the moments in time during my adolescence. Where I felt the same way. And I live in that emotional space myself. I'm not there for her. But. If I can say, oh my God, I remember having that experience. It's totally normal. And then you normalize it and you say, you know what? I remember going into my freshman year with the same fear. Can I offer you some suggestions? Can I share with you what I did? Or let's brainstorm ideas. You open up the door to conversation. You start problem solving together. You start collaborating together. The bottom line here in this episode is that if you. Lead. with the components that are going to create for you connection. That's empathy, validation, compassion. Seeking permission. Love and affirmation. What you will get. Is a kid who is willing to connect with you. Because your. Not freaking out every time they tell you something. You're not trying to correct every struggle they have. You're not trying to fix their whole world. You're not constantly trying to teach them. And what they start to understand is that you are a trusted person, that they can come to that you're going to keep your cool, regardless of what the situation is. And what this leads to is connection and collaboration. Over conflict. And if you've parented a preteen or a teen for more than five minutes, Conflict is their go-to strategy to try to get their needs met. And that's okay. That's okay. Especially when you're doing your own work, then it doesn't. Impact you negatively. You're able to see it for what it is. Oh, they're trying to get their needs met. Okay. So these are the real secrets to parenting the preteen years and why it's so freaking important that you do. Because it's very easy as they're pushing away, they need more independence as they're pushing away. It's very easy to just throw your hands up and step back and let them do their own thing. And what comes of that. His kids who don't have skills. To actually. Make healthy decisions by the time they're teenagers. Because by the time they're 16 and getting behind the wheel of a car. It's too late. You've already missed the door. You're handing them a key. To a vehicle. And you're saying, it's fine. I trust you. And yet. You've been trying to control them. Or fix them or advise them or correct them. For their first 16 years of their life. And that's not going to get you where you want to be. This is the work. So these are my favorite steps for parenting your preteen. So that you can trust them when they go out into the world, when they get behind the wheel of a car. When they get a job when they're staying late at school, you no longer have to worry. Are they making wise decisions because the groundwork has been laid. The connection is there. And, they're going to seek you out when they need you. And that's it for today. If you are loving this new parenting content please take a moment. Write a review. Share the podcast. The more people that we can reach, the greater impact that we can have on all of our kids. Thank you again, and I'll see you guys next week. Take care.