Episode 78: Boost Connection & Give Your Kids Experiences This Year!

Free Workshop: 7 Steps to Clearing Out Your Emotional Baggage (So You don’t pass it on to your kids!) 

The Holidays can be filled with *stuff* that takes up space but leaves the heart feeling a bit empty. 

The chaos, and busyness of the season often leave us feeling stressed and frazzled, and don’t get me started on the price tag for all the trendy gifts. 

This year, give the gift of Oxytocin! Yeah, you read that right, Oxytocin is the feel-good chemical your brain gets when you boost connection. How, you ask? Through giving the gifts of experiences instead of things. 

Not only does this support a minimalist approach to living, but it also creates amazing memories for all involved. This episode will give you a run down on how to make the shift into experiences this year.

We cover all the obstacles: 

👉 What to give as Experience gifts, at all price points. 

👉 How to get others on board in giving the experience.

👉 How to reinforce the experience giving. 

👉 Having the conversation. 

👉 Getting the kids on board. 

So dive in and pull out your notes app or pen & paper and make a note of your favorite. 

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Follow Me on Instagram: @parentingtherapistpam

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WORK WITH PAM 1:1 

Did you know that Pam’s background is in therapy, YES, she still offers one-on-one services in the form of coaching. All Coaching is designed to help you create YOUR personal journey to a happier and healthier life. 

Want to do some relationship work with another adult in your life? This is one of Pam’s Specialties. And unlike therapy, this is all about building a plan and learning the skills to execute, not looking for someone to take your side, and continuing to spin your wheels. 

Book a call and see what is the right fit for you! https://calendly.com/pamgcoaching/30-min-consult

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Transcript

Pamela: 0:00

Hey there and welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and today we're talking all about the holidays and gift giving. And specifically how to shift from gifts to experiences. Now we live in a culture of things. So let's clear out this idea that things are the only option. And let's embrace this deeper, more meaningful connections that we are all seeking as parents and that our kids are seeking as well. By sprinkling in more experiences. And we will also talk about how to have those conversations with people in your life. If you're trying to go a little bit more minimalist, so let's dive in. So let's be real. The holidays have gone a little bit nuts in our culture. The amount of gifts in physical items and things and crap, I don't know about in your house, but in my house. My daughter's constantly cleaning things out and she just was cleaning off one of her bookshelves. Cause she's a book freak. She loves books and she's got all these little, like things that maybe were in an Easter basket or in a stocking or, and she's like, what do I do with these? I finally just said, throw them away. We don't need to hang onto the little windup chickeny from your Easter basket 10 years ago, or some little knickknack thing that. Was put into her stocking. We don't need to hang onto that stuff. And I have a father-in-law that for a long time when she was little with like pop into the dollar store, which was right around that corner from him. And every time he came to see. Marley or every time I got together, he had like all these little dollar store things. And we became overrun by them. And. Things. Can be great because they can remind us of experiences, but when things are just bought for thing sake, to have more material things, It doesn't usually work out the way that anyone is hoping. So this holiday season, you have the opportunity to either. Encourage more things, more physical items to be purchased. And given as gifts, or you can double down on the experience of experiences this year. And here's why experiences are amazing. Our kids are human beings that we are raising what they seek more than anything, whether they realize it or not. Is deep connection. They just want to spend time with their parents and with their loved ones, they want to feel important and valued and valuable. They want to be heard and seen and felt. And when we give them a physical item, like a toy. They get a hit it of dopamine and that's great. But what they actually need is this neurochemical called oxytocin and oxytocin comes as a result of relationships and experience gifts give not just dopamine, because they do give dopamine as well, but they also give us opportunity. For oxytocin and oxytocin has some amazing healing properties. Now you might be thinking I'm all in for experiences, but I have two problems. One, my kids will be pissed if they don't get the gifts that they're. That are on their wishlist have asked for. And two nobody else in my life will give them experience gifts, not even their co-parent. Nobody else will buy into it, but me. So let's start with the first component, which is my kids. Want what's on their list and they don't want experiences. Now, if you've never done experience gifts before then chances are, you're not too far off the mark on this, right? You're not too far. Your kids want something physical to open because you've trained them that way. You've trained them to have a big gifts and lots of packages and lots of wrapping paper and all those things at the end. Of Christmas morning or whatever, are there holidays? You're buying gifts for, cause it could be birthdays as well. All right. This applies to birthdays and any other giving season where people are giving your child gifts for something. So you have to introduce this. Over a period of time. And you have to introduce it kind of slowly. So for instance, if they give you a list of 45 things, and normally you buy those 45 things between you and Santa and the grandparents, they get all the things on their list. It might be time to start scaling back on some of those things that they're getting. Right. You might say, well, we're not going to get everything this year. Maybe you have that pre-conversation maybe you substitute out some of the things that they're asking for, for experience gifts. And with experiences you offer like a little tangible, something to go along with it, which I'll talk about in a moment. cause then you're still giving them something to open and then you get to celebrate the experience, whatever it may be. So last year for Christmas, my daughter, who is now 14, she was 13 at the time. Got tickets to see. The cursed child on Broadway in New York city. And we are. Travelers. We'd like to go to New York. It's not that far for us. And we love New York city. We go a couple of times a year, usually. And so. This was her, her big president was to go to New York city for a long weekend with her father and I, and to see the curse child. And so for Christmas, I wrapped up. A scarf. Harry Potter. Hufflepuff I think is her house. I wrapped up a Hufflepuff scarf that I had ordered online in a couple of little like Harry Potter pins or something like that. And wrap that up with a printout of like the cursed child, Broadway tickets and the date. And it just, we put it in a box and wrapped it up. Now we've been doing this with her for a really long time. For most of her life she's been getting experiences. So she would have just been fine with a piece of paper that said, here's what we're getting. Here's the tickets. This is what the experience is. And that would have been okay. You know, it's just kind of a couple of years ago, she got a, she got our dog, our dog who's now three, she got as a puppy. And so what she got that year was in a box. She got a picture of the dog because she wasn't here yet. She was In Florida at a breeder. And she got a little color and a little leash and like, look at the color now is this tiny little thing? And she didn't understand what it was at the time. She was like, what is this? Is this for like, she thought it was maybe for one of her American girl dolls and then realized, oh, Hey, this is actually your dog. And this dog is coming here and this is, this is your Christmas present. So those are experienced guests, right? Those are some things, but there's lots of things that can be experiences and experiences. Don't have to cost thousands of dollars, right. Trip to New York city for the three of us for a long weekend, thousands of dollars. Your gifts don't have to be that it could be. We've done lessons for things we've done smaller experiences. It could be things like coupons for a game night or going to the movies with someone. And we've actually done this for her friends as gifts where we've done movie passes and then we've done bought their favorite candy and wrapped it up so that they could go to the movies and we didn't take them to the movies, but it gave them the opportunity for their mom to take them to the movies. These are some of Marley's friends when they were younger. So. I'm all about experiences. Experiences can be anything that your child. Will enjoy. It doesn't matter what it is. And it doesn't have to cost a lot of money and it could just be time with you. It could be a lunch date with someone, right. My mom has started my mom likes to buy. Gifts. She likes to buy gifts. I'll be totally honest. She's like the. As a spreadsheet for how much she spends on each person. So it's even, and that's just how she does things. Totally fine. But one of my nieces, who's a lot older than Marley years ago when she was around Marley's age. Started having my mom take her shopping for Christmas. Like, let's go clothes shopping and she have a budget, which was the amount. And then my, my, this happens to be a niece who loves like thrift and is really kind of creative with our fashion choices. So she and my mom would go shopping and then they would go to lunch. And my mom was like, I really love this. And so she started doing that with Marley. Like she started taking Marley, like, Hey, I'm going to Marlene and I'm going to go to a show and that's going to be her, her present. Here's these, these opportunities and these experiences. And I'll give you a list of ideas at the end of the episode, but this brings me to this idea of like, when you don't have people in your life, on board with the gift, giving the experience, giving process. How do you get them on board? Well, first and foremost, you have to have a conversation with them about your wishes. And this is not a text message or an email. This is a. In-person if you can, or a phone conversation. Where you make requests, you can't set up rules. You can't say don't buy this. Don't buy that. Don't do this. Don't do that. But you can ask. And make requests. You can give them some guidelines. These are the things that they really like. And one of the things that we're trying to teach them, why do you want to shift to experiences? And we experiences are not about shifting. From a financial perspective, per se. But it's more about being able to actually have time with the people in your life because our time. He is so precious and so valuable, right? So when you. Have this conversation, you can express your why. Why is it that you want to make this shift? You can talk about the importance of the relationship that this other person that you're talking to and your child have and why that's valuable to your kid. And then from there, you have to just let go and let them do whatever it is they're going to do. Now there are going to be people in your life that you make this request of the completely ignore you and buy. Thousands of dollars worth of gifts or, you know,$25 worth of crap at the dollar store or whatever, and wrap it all up and give it to your kids. And they say, no, this is important to me. This is what I need to do. There's something I need you to understand. When someone chooses. To buy a gift, a physical gift, or give a physical gift to you or your kids. Even though you've made a request, otherwise they're doing it because they're trying to demonstrate that they care now. Yes. There's a very small group of people out there that are like, I'm going to do this because I know you don't want it. But that's not most people, most people are like, what can I do to bring joy to this child's life? Because I care about them. And that's why they're buying the gifts. So if they're buying, if grandparents are spending ridiculous amounts of monies on things, even though you've asked them not to. It's because they're trying to demonstrate love the only way that they know how remember we give based on our love language. And honestly, there's a lot of grandparents out there just because of like, that generation. That very much believe that the only way to show that I love you is to buy you presents. Now, not only are you saying I'm making this request over here, you're trying to get them to change that. So you have to be gentle with them And recognize where they're coming from. Now, one thing that can be really helpful is when you do have someone that buys in and says, oh, I'm in, I'm going to, yes, they're going to get a lunch date with me and we're going to, or we're going to go to the movies or, I'm gonna buy them, passes to the zoo. Or any other thing that they really enjoy. When your kids are enjoying the thing that was given. It's important to express appreciation and make a big deal out of the experience gift. If this does two things, it makes your kids remember where this connection came from and oh, grandma bought us this or grandpa bought us this, or auntie whoever bought us this. But it also. Makes a big deal and gives a hit of dopamine and oxytocin to the person who purchased the gift. So if grandma bought them swimming lessons and wrapped up a little bathing suit for them to wear during their swimming lessons. Then each week at swimming lessons, you take a picture, you take a video of them swimming, all of the things that say, look at how exciting this is, and you send them to grandma with a note that says, we appreciate this so much. Your grandchild is really enjoying this thing that you purchased for them. This experience that they're having, maybe you, even in that scenario where they're doing a lesson, maybe you invite the person. Who purchased the lesson to come to a lesson, not every lesson, but to say like, hey, if you want to come, their skating show is coming up for those lessons that you bought or they're. They've got a couple of swim lessons left. If you can make it to one our ballet classes or their have a musical performance after you. I purchase them, these lessons for the violin or the guitar or whatever the case may be. Right? So these are all ideas and things that you can do, but including the giver in the gift, in the experience. Even if it's in that context, even if it's in celebrating that context, right. They don't have to bring them to every lesson or. Be the person that takes them to the movies. You can simply take selfies at the movies and be like, we're so excited to see the movie that you bought us tickets for. This is what we're using our movie pass for or whatever. Okay. So those are the, the pieces that are really important. Now let's actually look at what are some ideas, what are some ideas? First of all of. If I'm bridging this gap from bridging this the shift to, from a physical toys or gifts to more to experiences. Then we start to look at what are the things, for instance, what do they need in order to do the experience? So if your taking them camping, maybe you bought them a new sleeping bag, or maybe you've got them little lights to hang inside the tent or something special that they don't have at home. They don't normally use that. They now have to go camping with. Right. So the gift is a family camping trip, and here's these little trinkets that they get to go on this family, camping trip. The gift is tickets to a show or an event or something that they really enjoy. And then they get a little piece like I did with Marley, with the cursed child. And I got her a scarf and a couple of little pins that she could put on her backpack. Some secondhand skates for skating lessons. Some candy for a movie date. An apron for baking with grandma. Anything that they could possibly need, or that could represent the gift in a small way. That's what you're doing when you're creating tokens. Now, honestly, like I said, my child, at this point, I could just print off whatever it is, put it in a box or put it in a gift bag and she'd pull it out, know exactly what it is. And that's just as exciting for her as opening something up. But if you're new in this journey to experience gifts, having something tangible can be really. Really helpful in that shift. And it does not. Every gift you give does not have to be an experience. Maybe you're like, I'm going to do one experience gift and some smaller gifts. And I'm going to ask. You know, my parents to do an experience gift or my in-laws to do an experience gift because they tend to, you know, go overboard with presence or just because I know. That they will be on board with it. So other people can still be giving them physical gifts, or maybe you just simply start talking about it. And you make the shift over time. So let's go through some examples. What are some experience gifts that you can give your kids this year instead of clogging up your closets and your playrooms and your bedrooms. With more stuff. Okay. Here's some ideas. Lessons of any kind, karate, ballet, any other kind of dance? Swimming lessons, skating, lessons, skiing, lessons, skateboarding, lessons, any kind of lesson that you think your child would enjoy. This could be a great experience gift. Backyard movie night, a room make-over. A few years ago, we made over my daughter's better because that's what she wanted. Any sort of cooking or grilling or baking lessons that they may want, and you can do this with something online, some class they go to in person or somebody in their life, you know, it might have somebody that's a really amazing baker. That's going to give them baking lessons as their Christmas gift. Maybe you have a kid that wants to start running and you are a runner and you're like, Hey, we can train and run a 5k together. That's going to be one of your gifts. Now don't get your kid to give to running or something. That you're like, they're never going. Like that. Hiking adventures, day trips, trips. To the spa. Indoor waterparks. Nature scavenger hunts tickets to an escape room. Subscriptions to something online last, year Marley got a subscription to a gluten-free bread making online course, and that was like a membership that she had a subscription to for. For months. Day passes for skiing or roller skating or ice skating. Or. Or snow tubing. Admission to classes or workshops that they may enjoy. Kid's yoga class or teens, aerial yoga. Any sort of art classes or pottery, any lessons of things. If you have a creative kid, music lessons coupons for days fishing, my kid loved fishing when. When she was little. Tickets for the ice castles or any sort of ice sculptures or displays or things going. On. Yesterday. A slumber party. And this could be like a family. Like I know a lot of people that are like, I don't want my kids sleep outside my house. Totally fine. But it could be like a family slumber party in the family room where you sleep on the couch or the floors with sleeping bags and watch movies and eat popcorn in your sleeping. Bag. Petting zoos, botanical gardens. We have done like smores kits and. One of her gifts was a winter smores party where she got to invite some of the neighbors and we set up a fire and they're all in our snow clothes, outside making smores. And she loved. Loved that. Learning how to crochet or knit or some sort of crafting thing, teaching them, or having someone in your life, teach them and offering that as a gift. Right now my 14 year old is obsessed with. Learning how to crochet. We've done tickets to Cirque de Solei tickets to the circus tickets to Broadway shows, musical performances. We saw Elfa. Alpha few years ago. We've done the aquarium. Merriam and my kid loves fancy. So one of the things I was considering for this year is to do a coupon for a fancy dinner at a really fancy restaurant because she's a foodie and she would go wild being able to go into a really nice place in order, anything she wants and get all. All dressed up. And then you have this whole opportunity to create. Dates. Right. So crafting dates. Cooking dates. Movie night dates. Lunch. Dates. You can even do this stuff. If you have kids that are a little bit older and can kind of manage, or you can be there to support them. If you've got a grandparent on the other side of the country and you want to do one of these dates via. Zoom. Passes trampoline parks or indoor playground type places. Tickets to. Sporting events. Tickets to things like planetariums or amusement parks. Bowling passes, indoor lessons of any kind. I live in a place where it's real cold in the winter. So indoor soccer, indoor tennis, anything that's offered indoors. That would be a great option. For the winter as well. We love things like. Photography classes, baking lessons, anything that allows her because she's a creative to get more creative and to expand her view. So the first thing that you do here is you just kind of figure out who is my kid, what would they enjoy? And if your kid's young or you're not really sure, then try lots of different things. My child is obsessed with museums. She loves museums and historical sites. She would gladly take that as experience gift. Of any kind. Growing a herb garden together in doors. Having a family game night or a game night with someone else, like maybe a grandparent's like, I want to play games. And please recognize that a lot of these things can be offered for free. Or you can get passes to museums and experiences. At your local library. So encourage the grandparents or whoever is giving experience gifts to look into some. Of that stuff. That's how a lot of our experiences happen. And your kid is not walking around going, oh, this only costs you$20. What is this? The neuroscience around experiences and oxytocin is so powerful. And this is your opportunity to double down with your kid is two or 22. Experiences are valuable and they go a long way in the supporting of growth and development for our kids, for ourselves and for the relationships that they have in their lives. So give this a go, let me know if you have questions and brainstorm, maybe sit down and make a list with the people that are in your life and really start brainstorming using some of these examples and growing from there because the. Opportunities here really are endless. All right. Thank you guys. Have an amazing week and I'll see you soon. Take care.