Episode 87: Juggling Act: Balancing the Mental Load of Motherhood

The most difficult aspect of motherhood is often the Mental Load that goes along with all the day to day tasks. 

In this episode Pam dives into the juggling act of balancing the mental load and showing up as the mother your kids need you to be. 

Free Workshop: The 3 Steps to Get Your Kid to Listen Without Yelling for Busy Moms 

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The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

Pamela: 0:00

Hey there. And welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And this week we are talking about mom's stress, right? So stress is happening in the world right now. Yes. We're all stressed. We're carrying a lot financially. The world is stressful. Relationally. The world is stressful, right? There's lots of things happening out there every day that we're like, Oh my gosh, all you have to do is watch the news. And that can create a lot of stress. But there's this extra component of stress when you're a parent, specifically when you're a mom. And that's what we're diving into today. And we're figuring out some strategies, clear that out to peel back the layers and to clear out some of that stress so that you don't have to carry quite so much so that your nervous system doesn't end up burnt out. And if it is already burnt out that we can come back from it. So let's get to work. Let's dive in. So first and foremost, yes, we're all stressed. It is a stressful time to be alive. It's stressful for our kids, it's stressful for grownups, it's stressful for single people, right, like single adults that don't have any extra responsibilities to another human being. When you are a mom, what gets added on top of all those regular life stresses, and I think that before we become parents, we, we don't realize the impact of this extra layer of stress that I'm going to talk about. And it's kind of interesting. I remember before I was a mom thinking like, Oh, it's just, it's, it's just another human that you're taking care of. No big deal, not taking into consideration any of the emotional, mental, or like, the, the, the complex Situations that arise as a result of now being a parent and having a child in the world. So it's interesting. And that's what we're going to kind of peel back today because here's the thing. When you have a kid and the world is stressful, you worry about them going to school. You worry about them. Riding the bus because there was a little bit of snow this morning. You worry about them, you know, staying over at a friend's house. Like the stuff that we did as kids that we thought nothing of. All those, like, there was just this huge conversation in a mom's Facebook group that I'm part of where people were talking about what's the appropriate age to let your kids go to the mall with their friends. That was not a conversation our parents were having. They weren't worrying about that. And so yes, there's this like the world and then what does that mean? What are the implications for our kids? Because all you want for your child is you want them to be happy, healthy and safe, right? And you want them to have all the opportunities in the world. And so sometimes we think. That means we need to micromanage them. So that just adds more stress. So if you're a mom who kind of micromanages your kids, whether it's their schedule, their schoolwork their extracurricular activities, are you a mom that feels like you have to be at everything? Because here's the thing, it's not possible to be at everything for every child and still do. You especially if you are someone that has a career and a lot of the moms that I work with are working moms They're they have careers. They have businesses and it's real real hard to Be everything to everyone because here's the thing that goes along with being a mom that we didn't we don't take into consideration It's the planning. It's the executing of the plan and then directing It's the mental load that goes along with being a mom. Now we're getting ready to go on vacation right now, as I'm recording this episode. And my family is in the house, packing up their stuff, cleaning up their rooms. We have somebody that's coming to stay at the house and watch the dog and live here for the week while we're gone. So it's like stripping beds and whatever. Like I don't have anybody coming in to do that. We're doing that ourselves. I don't have a maid right now. That's a whole nother story anyway. But the, in order for those things to happen, I have to plan them and go, these are the things that need to be taken care of this, this, this, and this. Can you take care of these things before we leave? Here's the list for my husband. Here's a list for my daughter and they're taking care of things. So three days before vacation, I'm awake in the middle of the night. Coming up with these lists of things that need to be done before we can go, like you need to pack up your stuff and you need to strip the sheets and put new, clean sheets on the bed for the person that's staying in your bed. And you need to, you know, put all your laundry away. My daughter hates to put her laundry away. She's a teenager and I don't care. But I'm like, if somebody else is going to stay in your room, they don't need piles of your clothes everywhere. Especially not that big pile of clean laundry that's sitting on the floor in your room. Right? So there's the execution that has to happen, that she has to do, but I'm the one that has to say, Hey, this is necessary. We need to do this before we leave today. That's part of the mental load. Now you've got your kids going off to sports and activities and school and going to friends houses and for sleepovers and going to the grandparents and whatever other things. And you're like, do we pack their toothbrush? Do they have their vitamins or their medications? Or, you know, my daughter takes allergy meds. Like, we gotta make sure those get packed. Right? So, it's making sure all the things that are supposed to happen actually happen. And then in the day to day, it's like Oh, I got to get them to sports and this one's got to be here and I got to coordinate a ride for this one because there's not enough of us to get everybody everywhere. And then I have to decide where do I go? And maybe you have one kid that is a little bit more clingy and wants you there more. And one kid that says, I don't care, but they really do care. So then you're worried about how are you negatively impacting that other kid that you're not at their practice and you do the best you can to get to their games. But sometimes there's traveling or your spouse or grandparent is taking them or some other thing is happening. Right. And then, on top of all that, you're like, Oh shit, I need to feed them. We need to decide, we need to like do some planning because food is necessary because it fuels us. And they can't do all the things they're doing if you're not, you know, if they're not eating, then they're malnourished. Then you get called by the child protection because you're neglecting your child or not feeding them, right? These are the things that happen when you're a mom. This is all the stuff that goes into the head. We have to figure out. It's no wonder so many of the moms I know are walking around in functional freeze. It is no wonder we have so much on us. And so if you're like, yeah, that's me, functional freeze for sure. Last episode is all about how to get out of that from a neurological perspective, right? It's neuro neuroplasticity and neuro, uh, shifts in your behaviors so that you can pull yourself out of that. Today, we're going to talk about four different ways that you can decrease your mom's stress. None of which are nervous system. Rewiring the nervous system, all of which are behavioral. Now, it all goes together, but this episode is all about changing your behaviors. So where do we start, right? Step number one, get comfortable saying no. And this is no to your kids, no to your spouse, no to your in laws, no to your friends, no to your family, no to your work, no to the school and the extra places that want you to volunteer and do things. I'm not saying don't do anything. I'm saying decide what you want to do, do that and say no to the rest. And decide what you want to do doesn't mean, well, I feel like I should do this, so I'm going to. If you are feeling stressed, if you're here listening to this and you're like, Oh my God, this is my life. You need to start saying no more. You need to be bringing people in to do things. And I've given this example before, but I was at a training, it was before my daughter was born. So she's going to be 15. So a long time ago, I was at a training for a social work training. And I think it was, I don't even know what it was on, but there was some self care component to it. And the woman leading the training was like, I don't go to kids birthday parties. I've got three little kids, three daughters, and I don't go to kids birthday parties. They get invited to every class birthday party, right? And I hire a babysitter to take them. And it's the same babysitter, you know, it's a, uh, young, young adult, uh, probably college student or whatever that watches them all the time. And she takes them to birthday parties because I have better things to do than spend my Saturday afternoon inside the, you know, indoor trampoline park chasing kids around. I have better things to do. So I hire a 20 year old babysitter. And she's like, now all the other moms love the babysitter and they think she's great and they've actually hired her for stuff too. But, you know, so it's a good networking opportunity for this young woman who wants to make some money. It's okay to say no to things. It's okay to say, no, I'm not, I'm not going to be there for that. No, I can't be a part of that. No, I'm not interested. And you don't have to explain either. Because so often we feel like guilt comes creeping in and we're like, oh, I gotta. Over explain or even just explain why I'm not gonna be there. It's okay to just say, no, I'm not gonna make it. No, I'm not able to do that. No, thank you. It's okay. Now, oftentimes, we'll say no and we make up an excuse because we feel guilty. But here's the, here's the negative follow up that happens from that. When you make up an excuse like, Oh, Tuesday, I just can't do Tuesday night. So sorry. I'm not going to be able to help out with that. What that does is it opens the door for the next time. So if you want them to ask you again, you can answer it that way. Or you can just simply say, no, I won't be able to do this, but please ask me again in the future because I am interested in volunteering if that's where you're at. But if you're like me and you hate volunteering, I do, I, I think I volunteered three times through elementary school. It was awful. If that's your story, if you don't want to be there doing the thing that somebody's asking you to do, just say no, just say no. And the more comfortable you get with saying no, the more firm you stand in no, the more no becomes kind of one of the like, no, she's not, that mom's not going to do that thing. They stop asking you, they stop trying to convince you. I had a mom saying this, she was a mom that I've worked with that works in a job where she travels a lot. And she's like, her answer, they would ask her to volunteer for stuff in the school. And she was like, Oh, sorry, you know, I'm always traveling. And so it, you know, not, I'm not always around. And Somehow she got roped into something and she's like, I don't even always check my email. Like email is overwhelming to me. So if it's not my work email, I'm not checking it. I'm not checking my personal email. On a regular basis. And so I miss things and whatever. And she's like, and then I'm like the bad mom who didn't bring the brownies to the party because nobody, nobody called me and told me they sent me an email. And I don't, I don't know. So it's okay to just say no upfront. It's okay to say, you know, on that, that back to school night, when they're looking for parents to sign up, it's okay to just be like, no. I'm not signing up. I'm not available. This is not something that I do. And that's what I said all through elementary school. Yeah, this is just not something that I do. Thanks though. Like, nope. So that's number one. You got to get comfortable with it. If it makes you squeamish, if you're like, Oh, Pam, I don't like that too bad. This is your work. This is your practice. Just comfortable saying no practice it with easy things. And it can be, but here's the thing about saying no, you've got to say no and mean no, because one, from a parenting perspective, but also your modeling for your kids, you want them to know when they say no, out in the world, no means no. And if they mean yes, don't say no and then say yes. And so if we start playing this game where we say no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then we go, okay, fine. What we're teaching our children is that their boundaries don't matter. That no doesn't mean no all the time. That sometimes it can mean yes and then we start creating confused boundaries for them. And we don't want that. We want it to be super, super clear. So there's like a teaching component in this too. Uh, because they're always watching us, right? Number two is, Get clear on what is stressful for you and clear that shit out. So, as I talked about, if volunteering in a classroom is stressful for you, don't do it. If being responsible for, like, setting up a sign up genius for the school party is stressful for you, don't do it. If And in that, in that you've got to look at like planning ahead as well. So sometimes you're like, I would be willing to do that thing. But I, sometimes when a time crunch happens, I can't make it work. I just can't, it becomes too much, too overwhelming. Maybe you're a mom. That's like. God, my regular day to day is too overwhelming. I've got to pack my kids lunches because they won't eat what's being served at school, and so I've got to do that every morning. And then the morning is hectic and chaotic. It's okay to change your routine. It's okay to change things up. And it's okay to get your kids involved in packing up their lunches. It's okay to pack the night before. Just like, you know, there's a lot of people that like meal prep. One of the things I love the most about the high school at least where my daughter goes, is they have a microwave! The high school has microwaves that the students can use. They like wheel them out on carts at lunchtime and plug them in and the kids can like heat up their food. And my daughter said, not a lot of people bring food to heat up, but it is made like I meal prep. And so like, if I'm going to make, you know, myself lunches for the week, I can do the same for her. And it can be, you know, chicken and broccoli and rice or some sort of like, you know, recipe of sorts that she'll eat that gets packed in containers that are, that seal, that won't leak in her lunch, in her backpack. When she can pop in the microwave and. And I don't think you can, you can't have that for lunch. And it is so much easier. And I remember all through middle school, I was like, what do you mean you don't have a microwave? Can't you have a microwave? Right. So, so starting to get curious and figuring out what are some things that you can do that feel like, okay, this can help to decrease my stress. And then other like household, one of the other things that I like to do is, when you're clear on what's stressful, like if you're like, Oh, getting all the housework done is stressful or building a a routine or some sort of a, like a afterschool structure routine is stressful. It's okay to form that stuff out. First of all, we call that delegating in the world of business. It's okay to delegate that to somebody else. If you've got a kid that is old enough to write clearly, like that's probably like fourth grade ish, then you can have them develop an after school routine. You're like, okay, guys, we need an after school routine because things have been a little bit chaotic and I need your help. Take out a piece of paper and let's talk through it. And you can be doing some, you can be like getting dinner ready and they can be writing it down. You're like, great. Okay. Now what are we going to do? And you can put that together and they can like, okay. So when I come home from school, this is what this looks like. You get there. Input, then it's much easier to get them to buy in. Here's another thing I like to do. I like to do something that I call micro cleaning and micro cleaning is something that I started doing works lovely for my ADHD brain and I don't have a cleaning lady right now. And so I will like do projects, like for instance, I'm recording this podcast episode. So I'll record this podcast episode. I'll get off, finish it, stop it, and that will have to like, download so that I can then drop it into, you know, the next place for me to put things in and whatever and send it off to wherever it needs to go for somebody else to do whatever thing to it. But it takes time because it's video and audio and takes time for things to load and sync and all that stuff. Technology, right? So I'll be like, okay, I will give that 10 minutes and I'm going to go clean up the kitchen or like we're on vacation. My husband and my daughter had waffles for breakfast. So I'm going to go do like a spot check of the kitchen and make sure, like, is that good? Did that get cleaned up? Because sometimes they do a great job. Not always. My husband actually does a great job. He's kind of the one that usually cleans up, but, but sometimes there's like, they leave for school in the morning and work and there's like. It looks like the house exploded and so it's going around just picking up some things, wiping things down, organizing, putting the, you know, my daughter Carrie has two backpacks, an odd day and even day backpack. So it's like putting her stuff in a spot where it usually goes, cause it's never there. And you know, making sure that all of her music, cause she has music, she's a violinist. And so she has music for all different things. Just getting that back on the music stand if it's not already there, cause if she practiced yesterday. One music's there, but the other one's on the kitchen, kitchen table or whatever other crazy thing. Right? So microcleaning is five minutes or less activities that you can do, cleaning activities that you can do. To help you move the needle forward and getting your house to be clean. It could be folding a basket of laundry. It could be like I fold a basket of laundry and then I will make a stack, like I'll stack my stuff and I'll carry that up and put it away. That takes me less than five minutes to carry it up and put it away. I don't do everybody's. I don't carry everybody's stuff up and put it away. I do mine. And then I say, here's your laundry basket. And here's your laundry basket. And you need to put these away. Take these upstairs and put them away. And they do. Or they put them on their floor in their room and then we can't find any laundry baskets eventually because they're all in her room. And then we steal the laundry baskets and dump all the clean clothes on her bed and she gets mad and the cycle continues. But it's okay because doing this micro task, so it can be micro cleaning, it could be micro organizing, it doesn't matter what it is, but it's a small task that you're doing. You're executing and taking care of five to ten minutes. And then you go back to whatever you were doing so that it's not like, you know, spending all day Saturday. Oh, it used to be the worst. Spending all day Saturday, like trying to clean your house from top to bottom. It's doing it in these small little bursts. So number three, that's number two. Number three is connecting socially and be intentional with it. Now, this one does have like some significant clear neurological benefits. For instance, connecting socially with people that you care about, that you want to be connected to. Uh, releases oxytocin, rapid down regulator for the cortisol stress response, but so often as busy moms. We go, I have too much on my plate, I'm too stressed, I can't, oh, I would love to, we do the like, oh, it's so good to see you at the kid's like concert or something. We should get together. We totally should get together. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we go our separate ways. And then four months later at the next kid's concert or the next school performance or the next thing we see them and we go, oh, we should so get together and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then years go by. And we don't get together. And so connecting socially is about being intentional and going, okay, make a note. I just saw Sue and I really want to spend some time with Sue. So in that moment, I see Sue at a school concert when it's, when we're, it's time to go. I shoot Sue a text message and I say, Hey, I'm going to take a look at my calendar and I'm going to text you tomorrow. And maybe we can come up with some times to grab coffee because I want to spend time with her. I'm being intentional about my time. And then you can look at your calendar. It gives you a little bit of time. You don't have to decide right now. You can look at your calendar and go, okay, I have these three days or times available. And that would be something that I would enjoy. So I'm going to make a point of it and I'm going to be intent. I'm not going to just say yes to anybody that says, Hey, we should get together. Cause we do that. That's one of the things we do as a society. Hey, we should get together. Oh yeah, totally. And then you have those people that are like, what are you doing Saturday? And you feel like you've been locked in a corner. I don't want to do that to anybody. And I also don't want to feel like that. So. Kind of being clear, intentional and communicating like, Hey, is this something you're down with? Let me throw you some dates and we can see if any of those work. And then you get to go from that place. Right. The same holds true. You know, we see somebody on, see somebody at a school performance. Maybe you see somebody on social media. Maybe you see a friend of yours on. Facebook or Instagram and you're like, Ooh, I should reach out to them. Do it, reach out to them and, and do that same thing. Like, Hey, I would love to connect. Are you down with, if I look at a couple, if I look at my calendar and pull up some ideas for dates, are you down with that? And oftentimes what I'll do is like, we'll go like, okay, so Friday, March 1st, which would have been like last week now, right? Friday, March 1st. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Let's say, okay, great. Let's say 12 o'clock. Perfect. We'll figure out the details when we get closer. I, everybody that makes plans with me is, knows that I'm like a figure out the details when we get closer kind of person. I just put it in my calendar. It'll be like, Sue, 12 o'clock. March 1st or whatever. So, be intentional, but connect socially. Now I mean saying yes if somebody like, has a and number four, this is so important, but number four is finding your tribe of other like minded moms who are interested in doing, you know, a book club or one of those things that moms do. I don't usually do those things. Cause I like to connect one on one. That's the other thing about being intentional, deciding how you like to connect. If you want to be in a small group, cool, be with a small group. If you want to be one on one, be one on one. If you want to be in a big crowd at a big event or something, then do that. But that's another component of intention, intentionality. And number four, this is so important, but number four is finding your tribe of other like minded moms who are interested in doing. this kind of work, right? Who are interested in lowering their stress level, who want to feel better, who also have, you know, like minded in the sense that they want their kids to be happy, healthy, and safe, that they're, you know, kind of, uh, for lack of better terms, pushing the same agenda on their kids, right? They're moms that are like, Hey, yeah, yeah, I'm going to like take care of me because I know taking care of me is helpful for them and healthy for them. Because one of the things that happens is sometimes we'd be, We connect or become part of a community unintentionally or by like happenstance for, so for instance your kid plays on the town baseball team. You go to all the baseball practices and you go to all the baseball games and then you become friends with the moms on the baseball team and It's not necessarily the environment that you want to be in. They're not necessarily the people you want to be connected with. And part of the reason for that is because our society as a whole tends to connect over negative. We tend to complain and bitch and moan about things. And then we go, Oh my God. Yeah. Like just watch, just observe. The next time you go to something like that and you're talking to other moms, what you will find is. Other moms who are complaining, who are talking about like how the coach is so terrible or who does your kid have for fourth grade? Oh my God, they were the worst teacher, right? That's what you hear. And it's kind of like, it's our version, our generation's version of talking about the weather. Like this is how we, we're just going to talk to talk and we're going to talk about nonsense. And the nonsense is going to be talking about somebody else in a negative way. And I'll challenge you to find people that you want to be vulnerable with and are willing to be vulnerable with you. That are willing to talk about the struggles that you're going through, but also celebrate the wins that you're experiencing. That are there for you when you feel like the sky is falling, but are also There to cheer you on when you're like, I got this, something clicked and I'm moving in a great direction. My stress level is down. I'm feeling good. I want people in our lives who are like, you're doing amazing. And also get off your ass and stop staring at the TV 24 hours a day. You are better than this, right? We need people that are going to challenge us to grow, but also are going to be willing to hold space for us. And it's hard as a grown adult to make new friends. You know, if you think about where your friendships have come from, they've probably come from school jobs, and then your role as a mom, and the relationships that build as a result of, like, your kids, friends, parents. I mean, that's what happens. That's who you spend your time with. Or maybe you're in, like, a church community, or some sort of religious community, and you've It's hard to find people that align with exactly what we want and so you have to decide that you want to do that and in that deciding you have this opportunity to grow and evolve and be vulnerable and Show up as the best version of yourself for you and for your kids and everything just gets better from there. So that's kind of a really big, really big one is like build your tribe. And that's actually what we do inside the Align Moms community is all about creating and building the tribe. The tribe that's going to lift us up, the tribe that's going to hold us accountable, the tribe that's going to celebrate with us and help us as we grow and evolve as human beings and as parents. So that's it for today. Those are your four. Give it a go. Let me know what you think. And I will see you guys, uh, next week. Take care. Have a great week.