Episode 91: Why Patience Isn’t the Answer in Parenting

Episode Description:
In this insightful episode of The Peaceful Home Podcast, Pamela dives into the often misunderstood concept of patience in parenting. Contrary to popular belief, she explains that a lack of patience isn't the root cause of parental stress and frustration. Instead, the real issue lies in the regulation of our nervous systems. Join Pamela as she unpacks why emotional triggers, rather than patience, lead to feelings of overwhelm and stress. She provides practical steps for regulating your nervous system to create a calmer, more connected parenting experience.

Key Points:

• [00:00:00] Introduction and overview of the topic: patience in parenting.
• [00:01:45] Definition of patience and common areas where patience is necessary.
• [00:02:55] Distinguishing between events with and without emotional power.
• [00:04:24] How our brain processes events and the emotional power we assign to them.
• [00:08:02] Understanding triggers and their impact on our nervous system.
• [00:12:14] The cycle of reactivity and how past experiences influence present reactions.
• [00:14:25] The importance of regulating your nervous system for effective parenting.
• [00:15:48] The difference between old parenting strategies and modern understanding of attachment and connection.
• [00:16:55] Practical advice: focusing on regulation instead of patience.

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The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

Pamela: 0:00

Hey there. And welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam and I am your host. And today we are talking about this tiny pesky little thing called patience. Now, so often in the world of parenting, we get told that our issue, what we're struggling with, what the real problem is, is that we lack patience. And I call BS on that. Patience is not the reason that you're struggling with your kids. Patience is not the reason or lack of patience is not the reason that you're struggling. Feeling triggered or overwhelmed or stressed. That's not the problem. And in today's episode, we're going to unpack what that problem is so that you can take clear steps forward. So let's dive in. Let's begin with the definition of patience. Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Now there are lots of areas of life where patience is necessary. sitting on the phone with the electric company or some other service provider where you have to push 5, 000 buttons in order to talk to a representative. Patients might be required sitting in traffic, or if you have a delay in travel, like a your planes delayed or trains delayed or something along those lines. Patients might be required when you're allowing or encouraging your kindergartner to tie their own shoes. And. You're trying to get out of the house in the morning. Patience might be required when you're trying to support your kid in doing their homework, right? You're not trying to make this a traumatic experience for them or get angry and upset. These are really common areas for parents and for us as humans where patience might be important. But did you know that patience is only important and patience is only as part of the equation when there's no emotional power behind the event that you need to be patient about. So while it might be frustrating that your flight is going to be delayed and maybe you're going to get in late, maybe you're even going to miss something that was important or special to you, if there's no real emotional power there like You're, maybe you're meeting your family and you know that even though it's not your fault that the flight was delayed, they're going to blame you, point fingers at you and tell you how you ruined their day because your flight was delayed, even though it had nothing to do with you. This does not require patience. When your kid is having a meltdown in the grocery store and there's emotional power behind that, i. e. maybe somebody has told you you're not a good mom or you've been led to believe that you're not a good mom or not a good parent. That you can't control your kids, that there's something wrong with you, or when your kid's nervous system gets triggered, you have no choice but yourself to go into the fight or flight response because the environment that you grew up in was traumatic. These are not spaces where patience has any business being, because that's not the issue. The issue is not that you lack patience. The issue, my friend, is Is that your nervous system has been triggered. Your fight flight freeze response has been activated because of an event. So let's take a step back. This is how that process happens. An event occurs, right? And the event could be anything. The event could be the flight delay. The event could be your kid putting on their shoes. The event can be you getting the wrong meal when you go out to dinner, right? The event can be anything. Anything, everything is an event. The fact that you're sitting here listening to this podcast episode, that's an event, right? It may not seem like an event, but everything is an event. But here's the thing about events. We only give emotional power to the events that matter to us. So for instance, if you left the house this morning and you forgot your umbrella and it was supposed to rain. And then you ended up not going out anyway in the middle of the day, like at lunchtime or whatever, or the rain, it didn't rain. It was sunny. Then there's no power in the fact that you forgot the umbrella. Now, if you forgot the umbrella and then you had to walk three miles in torrential downpour and you were soaked to the bone and freezing and you ended up sick and on and on and on and on we go, right? That event. Might leave a lasting imprint. This is just how our brain works. If there's no like, if there's no struggle there, if there's no conflict internal or external, then the brain doesn't register the event as really anything. So when I say everything's an event, you might be like, is it really an event though? Yeah, taking a sip of your coffee is an event and it's no big deal unless you have a scolding cup of coffee that slips out of your hand and lands on the front of you and you burn yourself. Then it becomes. something that you recognize as an event. Now, here's the thing that happens. So we have an event occurs and then the thought arises from that event. So if it's not significant enough, then you're not even thinking about it. Your subconscious is just going through the motions, doing your thing. So you drive through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks and you get your coffee and it's the right temperature and it's exactly what you ordered and it was exactly what you were expecting. You take a sip of it and you go about your day. You don't think of that, getting that coffee as an event. However, If the coffee's wrong, if it's too hot or too cold, if you spill it on yourself, if you knock it over, if whatever other thousands of things that can happen when you get your cup of coffee through the drive thru. Somebody hits you, right? You're in an accident. Whatever the case may be, you're the barista, the person that's working at the window at the drive thru is your, your cousin, right? Then your brain registers, Oh, something's going on here. So then it tunes in and not all of those things are bad. Seeing your cousin at the drive thru might be an amazing thing. I'm not saying that events are bad. I'm saying that when you experience an event, you then have a thought. So you see your cousin at the drive through, you love your cousin, you haven't seen them in a while. It's so good to see them. And your brain, your thought that comes from that is, Oh, that was so great to see them. I'm so glad they're doing well. Right? The emotion that comes from that thought is joy or contentment or hopefulness or peace or whatever. Right? It may be, they say, yeah, I'll give you a call. Let's get together and go to lunch. And so maybe you're the emotion that comes from that is like excitement, like you're looking forward to spending time with them. Now. Cool. We don't call these triggers because for us triggers are associated with the negative experience, right? Nobody says, I had this trigger and it was amazing. We say, oh shit, here's this trigger and it's caused these problems. Here's the story of problems that have arisen as a result of this trigger. Now, When we have a trigger that is, brings up negative experiences, right? We have a negative thought like, here we go again. My kid never listens to me. Oh, great. They're going to have a temper tantrum in the, in the store, on the airplane. Everyone's going to look at me. I'm going to be judged, rejected or whatever other negative experience we fear having. When you have that as a thought, the emotion that arises from that, is a negative emotion. Now, the negative emotion, whether it's fear anxiety, anger, whatever it is, it's an emotion that you've labeled as negative, whatever that negative emotion is, that negative emotion gives power to the event. Now, if you've gone through the drive thru once and spilled your coffee, And you might be like, shit, that sucks. It's fine. I have a Tide pen. I will Tide pen myself, get that coffee stain off of me or I have a change of clothes. No, no worries. I'll change. Not a big deal. I'll have my gym clothes on still. I'm, you know, I haven't even, haven't even gone home and showered. Not a big deal. Right? Like you might be like, okay, there's a solution out of this. Or you might be like, oh, that sucks. You might be upset about it, but if it happens once, you're not going to fear that it's going to happen again. Every time you go through the drive thru to get a drink, right? You're not going to live in that space of, Oh no, I spilled my coffee once. That means I'm always going to spill my coffee. No, because our thinking is and the way that our brain is wired is there needs to be some sort of either pattern in our thoughts that create a false reality. So if I'm somebody that overgeneralizes or catastrophizes, that's my like normal state of being from a thinking perspective, then I might go to the place of, I spilt my coffee once now that's always going to happen. I might go to the place of I brought my kid to the grocery store with me once they had an absolute meltdown and I was stressed and overwhelmed and overstimulated and I just wanted to cry. And now that's going to happen every time I go to the grocery store or you might've flown once with your toddler and you swear you're never flying with them again because it was the worst experience ever. And so when somebody says to you, Hey, do you want to fly across the country to go on this amazing vacation? You're like, absolutely not. I'm not flying anywhere with my kid. Right, because you've over generalized a, a single experience and take and usually taken it outta context. But what starts to happen is any of those types of things give emotional power to the event. Then the event becomes a trigger. Now, here's why. Patience doesn't matter when you're triggered, because being triggered is not about having a lack of patience. Those are two separate things and patience does not exist on the same plane of existence as a triggered nervous system. So your nervous system gets triggered maybe by your kid's behavior, maybe by an event or an experience or an interaction with your own family, right? Your nervous system gets triggered and you fall back into old emotional experiences. We get stuck in a cycle of reactivity. So when we're talking about parenting, you bring your kid to the grocery store, they throw themselves on the floor and have a meltdown. It's happened before. Or maybe you grew up in an environment where you feared being seen for fear of being rejected or judged. So this is an old story that you hold that has nothing to do with parenting. But the moment you walk into the grocery store and your kid throws themselves on the ground. Everyone looks and you go right back to that 12 year old version of yourself that fears being seen for fear of rejection and judgment. So now. Not only is your kid struggling in the grocery store, you're dealing with that in the present moment in this old experience of fear, living in fear of being judged and rejected. So now that starts to increase the power of the event. So all of a sudden you can't go anywhere with your kid because they're out of control. You do everything within your power to try to control their behavior, but you're trying to control their emotions really because they're not Kids throw themselves on the floor, have tantrums or scream and cry and holler because they're dysregulated. And by the way, your kid's dysregulated because you're dysregulated because that's how the system works. That's how our nervous system works. They can't regulate if you can't regulate. This is why it's so important to, first of all, clear out these ideas and these beliefs that like, I just need to have more patience. And I did a training recently and I had so many moms in that training say, yes, what I need is more patience. And patience is not the answer. What you need is a regulated nervous system. What you need is the ability to pull yourself out of the triggered cycle. So an event occurs, a thought comes from that event, a feeling comes from that thought. And then You that gives the event power. We call the event a trigger So the very first thing you can do is stop calling triggers triggers and just calling them events that have activated your nervous system That's it. They've activated your fight or flight response. And so maybe your activation is in flight Maybe it's in flight. Maybe it's in freeze Any of those are normal, by the way, your nervous system only chooses which box to check based on what it thinks you have the best chance of survival. So if what you're experiencing is guilt, shame, or embarrassment, chances are you're going to freeze. Or you're going to hide. You're going to either like withdraw inside of you, move out of the situation. And in the example of your kid throwing themselves on the floor in the grocery store, you're feeling embarrassed, ashamed, guilty. Like you're a terrible mom. What is wrong with you? Everybody's looking at you. They're judging you. Everybody in your world is going to reject you, right? It gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And so what do we do? We yell at our kid, we grab them by the arm and try to drag them out of there. We leave them. Have you ever seen this or had this experience yourself? You know, you say like, all right, I'm leaving, I'm going. And I will, I say this all the time. I taught parenting skills when I was like 22 years old and I had no business doing that. This was actually something we talked about like your kid just wants to be near you And so when you ignore the fact that they're throwing a tantrum and when you walk away from it They will follow you and that's how you get them to do what you want them to do in a grocery store well, it's emotional manipulation and What you're doing is you're setting them up for the exact same cycle Of living in fear of being rejected and abandoned, right? I'm not saying you're doing this on purpose. What I'm saying is this is when we don't know. This is what we do, right? When we don't know, this is what we do. When we don't know that we need to be connecting and we need to be regulating when our kids are dysregulated. What we do is we, we resort to the kind of shit that our parents used, the kind of shit that parents were using 20, 30, even 40 and beyond years ago, right? Because we didn't know any better. Now when I say I was a parenting educator at 22 working with at risk families, 22 for me is 25 years ago. So 25 years ago, this is what I was teaching. This was the standard. This is not something that I made up. This was like rooted in research and the standard at the time, because we didn't know the impact on the nervous system or attachment. Now, when you can understand this concept of attachment and that connection is so important. And we say things like connection over correction. What that means is recognizing and understanding that when our nervous systems connect, when I can regulate my nervous system and I can connect with you and help you regulate your nervous system, then the answer lives in that connection. The regulation lives in that connection and there's science that backs us. And this is something that I teach inside the Align Mom Society where we talk about how the nervous system reacts to different brain chemicals and what kind of brain chemicals you need. And I can do another episode on this. If this is something that you're interested in, if it is send me a message and let me know. But the bottom line is the answer is not patience. Patience is only valid. Patience is only a thing when you're already regulated. Patience only counts when your nervous system is not on fire. When you have not been triggered, when you're not in a fight or flight response, that's the only time patience matters. If you are cool, calm and collected and your kid's having a rough day, then sure. Yeah, let's use the word patience. Let's say, yeah, I'm just trying to be patient with them, trying to give them some grace. I understand they're going through some stuff on the flip side of that. However, When you are triggered, when you are experiencing yourself, emotional turmoil, just get rid of the concept of patience altogether. Like remove it from your vocabulary right now. Stop saying things like I need to be more patient. And as a matter of fact, when somebody says to you like a loving parent, grandparent, or like in law says to you, just be patient with them. It's a great opportunity to just simply say, you know what I learned recently? It's got nothing to do with patients. It has to do with my nervous system. And so instead of focusing on patients, instead of focusing on how to be in the moment with them, when they're a train wreck and I'm a train wreck, I'm going to focus on how to calm me down so that I can be there with them. Patience does not exist. If your nervous system is not regulated, that's, that's the long and short of it. So in this work that you're doing here, I need you to understand the answer is. regulation that the answer is in shifting your thoughts, that the answer is connection and that the answer is finding the glue to hold all these things together and take care of you in the process. This is precisely what we do inside the Align Mom Society. And I will link up the Align Mom Society in the show notes so that you can check it out and see if it's a good fit for you and your family. But I will just say right now, The beautiful thing about what we do there is that it is you doing you while at the same time positively impacting their nervous system so that they don't become so dysregulated and so, and wired in such a way that there's so much fix that has to happen. So we do us. so that we can do them. And it is never too late. If you've ever listened to one of my free trainings and I talk about like, kind of my journey and my story, I was a screamer for a very long time. I was dysregulated. I lived in a place of dysregulation. And when I was not dysregulated, I was stuffing my emotions. I was locking them down so they did not have to feel. That was the only way I knew how to not be explosive. That was it. It was the only tool I had. And so sometimes what happens is we go, okay, I'm going to not lock down or numb or stuff my emotions anymore. And all we're doing is taking away the one coping strategy we have. Join us inside the Align Mom Society, start to build your skills, your toolkit, rewire the nervous system so that you can show up exactly the way that you want to for your kids and for yourself. I look forward to seeing you in the next episode, if not sooner inside the Align Mom Society. Thank you so much for being here today. And I hope at the very least you walk away from this episode recognizing that it is not about patience. It's about regulation. Thank you guys and take care.