Episode 97: Empowering Teens with Gratitude: Strategies for Parents

Worried about your teen's mood swings and stress levels? Want to unlock a simple yet powerful technique to help them find more joy and resilience in their lives? This episode is your key!

In this Episode:

• Discover the transformative effects of gratitude on adolescents' mental health and development.
• Learn about the brain's ability to reshape itself towards positivity through gratitude practices.
• Explore practical tips for weaving gratitude into your family's daily routine, including gratitude journals, jars, and discussions.
• Understand the significant role parents play in modeling gratitude to build emotional resilience, self-esteem, and stronger relationships in their children.
• Dive into ways to promote gratitude among teens, highlighting the importance of small appreciations, creative gratitude expressions, and positive feedback focusing on strengths.

Tune in to not just listen but to gain access to a comprehensive guide on instilling gratitude, all aimed at transforming adolescent lives for the better. Ready to make a meaningful impact? Let's dive in!

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The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

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Welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam God Boyce, and I am your host. And on today's episode, we are diving into how practicing and experiencing gratitude. Can positively impact your preteen and teens mindset. Emotional wellbeing and brain development. So let's dive in. We live in a society where we connect through complaining. And whether that complaining is a complaint about the traffic today. The line that you had to sit in at Starbucks to get your latte. And that's why you're late for the meeting. Maybe it's complaining about your kid's teacher or how much homework they give. Maybe it's complaining about your boss and her attitude or his attitude today. Maybe the complaint is. About your kids, new coach. Whatever it is. We use complaining to join together. And while this is a shortcut to belonging. It's not effective for developing long-term deep and meaningful connections, which is what we want as human beings. Plus it can have a really negative impact on the brain, especially the developing brain. The human brain is weird. It's wired to notice threats to notice the bad stuff, right. That's, what's highlighted more to us than the good stuff. We're much more likely to see. And remember that today I hit traffic, but not notice that the last five days I was smooth sailing on my way into work. It's a much more likely as a human being to notice. Or be frustrated with the day that I have to stand in line to get my latte versus those days that were smooth sailing. Right. And even if we noticed them in the moment, Like, oh, thank gosh. There's no line today. Cause I'm really in a hurry. Right? We're not kind of sitting in it and holding onto it. We're much more likely to notice the bad and to hold onto and remember the bad. And this is survival, right? This is a survival mechanism. But we understand though, with the law of attraction, what we focus on, we get more of, so if we focus on the bad, if we focus on the complaining. The cranky people were much more likely to get the bad. The complaining, the cranky people in our lives. But this is not just the law of attraction. There is definitely the component of the law of attraction, but it's also something called the frequency illusion. Also known as the Bader mine off phenomenon. And this happens when you notice something of importance to you and your brain starts subconsciously. Looking for the same object situation or scenario. So maybe you go out car shopping this weekend. And you're looking for the perfect car and you find it. You're like, oh, this is the car. That I wanted, I didn't know they had this color. I didn't know. They have these extra features. I'm so excited. This is the car I want to buy. You buy the car and you go home and you realize that there are seven people at your kid's school that have the same car, or you park in your work, parking lot. And you notice, wow, there's three more of these. Right. So this is what happens when our brain starts to tune into the things that are now important to us. Maybe this happened to you during pregnancy or where you were trying to get pregnant, you started to notice it. Everyone around you is pregnant. It always seems like in the office, there's like 3, 4, 6 pregnancies at the same time. Have you ever noticed that. Part of that is because, especially if you're in childbearing ages and you want, or want more kids or just had a baby or want to get pregnant, you're much more likely to be tuned into that notion and you'll see it on TV. You'll see it everywhere. Right. So wherever you put your attention. You will see more of those things that you focus on. That's essentially what this phenomenon is saying. So when we talk about. Parenting and the preteen or teenage brain. We have this opportunity to help them wire their brain, to see more positives, to see more of the light and joy and happiness that there is, that lives out there in the world. But also the days where there is no traffic. The days where there is no line to get the, to pick up the latte, right. Recognizing, and being able to see the discrepancy. We were at a music festival this weekend. For my daughter, I was dropping her off at this music festival and we stopped at this local coffee shop first and she got a iced chai latte with pumpkin cold foam on top. And I got a, you know, I got a latte. And so we walk in there and there's no one in line. There's people sitting down, but there's not a soul in line. So we get in line. We order our drinks. We wait for them, does not take very long. We grab our drinks. And we turn around to leave and there's 15 people in line. And my 15 year old said to me, wow. I'm grateful that we got here when we did, I wouldn't want to have to stand in that line. Right? This is because we've worked to do this wiring. It's very easy to just be like, ha ha. Fuck is going. I've got to stand in line now. Like good luck for you. But to take it that extra step and actually express gratitude for the opportunity we had to not have to stand in line something that simple can be so powerful in the developing brain. Because the truth is the developing brain is ripe for molding. And it is actively being molded right now in the environment in which it lives and whether that's with their peers, whether that's through tick-tock, whether that's in the home environment. Our kids are sponges. And they are taking in everything that's happening around them. And it's wiring. Their brain and how their brain functions. Gratitude is a really simple way. To help the brain wire. And actually has a really profound impact on the developing brain research shows us. That practicing gratitude can improve mood. Increase increase emotional regulation and reduce stress. Three major struggles in adolescents, right? The ability to regulate my emotions managing my mood or improving my mood when it's down. And let's face it. Like you, maybe you don't see this as an adult, but adolescents are experiencing a lot of stress. The pressure from us, the pressure from school extracurricular activities. Goals, figuring out what they want to do with their lives. All of these things are coming at them at once. Plus the social pressures and like peer relationships and all that stuff. It's, it's a lot, they've got a lot on their plates. So when we truly experience gratitude versus just like doing a quick gratitude practice, but we experience it. We feel it. The, there are areas of the brain that turns on when we sit in this space. Of experiencing gratitude and those areas are the medial prefrontal cortex. The anterior singular cortex. Uh, the amygdala and the hippocampus. Now these regions are associated with emotional regulation reward processing memory. Social cognition, uh, and when we can practice gratitude regularly. It leads to a feelings of contentment. And positive emotions, right? This is when it's activated those areas get activated by gratitude, especially when we're talking about a, still a developing brain, because gratitude can help codify. Better long-term emotional stability. And aid in healthy decision-making. That's like mind blowing the practice, regular consistent practice of gratitude, getting your kid to do it on their own experience and notice things to be grateful for on their own. Starts to wire their brain in a different way than their peers. So when teams focus on what they're thankful for, like with the beta. Mine off phenomenon. It wires their brain to focus on positive aspects of their life. Fostering resilience and optimism. And then this becomes their norm. They start to be able to see the silver lining the opportunity instead of sitting in the struggle and the discomfort. And I'm not saying they're not going to experience those emotions because that's normal for adolescents and for all of us, but being able to have the resources and tools to not live in that place. Right. We are. We are in the midst of a mental health crisis. And the research the science tells us. That practicing gratitude. Can help your teenager's brain be more resilient against depression and anxiety. It's kind of a no brainer at that point. Isn't it? So when we pair the philosophy of the law of attraction what we focus on expands, right? And we focus of that with the power of gratitude. It invites more positive experiences. And opportunities into your kids' life. Gratitude shifts the energy from lack the focus on like what's missing and what I don't have to abundance, which is the appreciation appreciation of, or the appreciating of what is present and then attracting more of that. So as. As a mom, you can model this by, by having these conversations and just kind of using these tools and speaking this truth out loud with your kids. So to use that example of the coffee shop. I often say, because it happens regularly, we'll walk into a place and there's no one. And then everybody follows us. There's like 50 people in line when we leave. I often say in that example, wow. I'm so grateful that we walked in when we did. Because look at that line now. And. I started doing this when my daughter was really young. And so now it's just normal. It's natural for her. She doesn't have to put effort into it, but efforting is okay as well. Adolescents can be filled with emotional ups and downs and teens often focus on what's going wrong. Whether it's in school friendships or self-esteem their self-worth. Utilizing gratitude can help break the cycle of negativity by shifting the focus away from the problem. And towards the positive aspects of life. This shift in mindset can help improve relationships, school, performance, and overall happiness. Now you might be thinking that's great, Pam, but how exactly do I get my kid on board with practicing gratitude? Well first you have to teach them. That's where all of this begins. And if you've ever sat at a Thanksgiving dinner with your family and uncle Stu, who always says, I'm grateful for the Turkey, you know, that not everyone leans into a gratitude practice or really experiences. The practice of gratitude. So you've got to teach your kids how to do that beyond just saying I'm grateful for mashed potatoes, because as delicious as mashed potatoes might be. The brain and brain science and how the neuroscience works. You're only going to really feel that for a very short period of time, meaning they can't say that they're always. Grateful for mashed potatoes and really feel into it. If the beaten, mashed potatoes, 4 million times in their life. Right. Common kid food. So. We start there, we start by teaching them. And so one way to teach them is through modeling. Right. Not on the big pressure stage of Thanksgiving where everybody's looking to them for what they're grateful for. But on a day-to-day basis or a week to week basis, setting aside time as a family to develop a family. GRA, uh, gratitude ritual. So maybe this means that each night at dinner, you're sharing something three, one to three things that you're grateful for. And maybe it means that you're doing this at, at bedtime before bed. Maybe this means like during family meetings once a week or on Sundays, when you get together for family dinner at the end of the week, because maybe all of your kids are running in different directions. But you've got a regular ritual that your modeling and that you can just simply say with any of this stuff. Hey, I've noticed, or I just learned that practicing gratitude can really help with my mood. And with my ability to regulate my emotions and with my ability to be resilient and reduce my stress. And I've noticed. That I'm stressed out more than I feel more moody and emotional. I don't know if you've noticed that, but I would love for us to do this as a family because it would really help me. To be a better mom to you. Now here's the thing with adolescents. You can't tell them it's for them. Not initially. They have to understand that you're doing this for you. And then unless you have a child that's really open to it. I listened really open to it. I happen to have an adolescent who's really open to it because we've been practicing these things throughout her life. And maybe you've done some of this, but kind of fallen out of the habit of it as life gets busy with adolescents. And so that they're already kind of tapped into, they understand it and you're going to revisit it or bring it back up. And you say like, Hey, this is good for all of our emotional wellbeing. So we're going to start practicing this again as a family, right? And then you just set aside a time each week to, or each day to share one to three things that you're grateful for. And it can be really small things. It doesn't have to be big things. And you can do it. At the dinner table. You can do it during a family meeting, you can do it before bed. It doesn't matter when you do it, maybe it's in the car ride on the way to school in the morning. If you're driving them to school, maybe you're talking about the things you're grateful for that and the end of the school day. Right. Just get it into the routine and the ritual so that you're talking about it. You can make it light and fun. You can encourage your teen or preteen to be creative. Allow them to express gratitude for anything big and small. And I will tell you that. From a researcher perspective. The small stuff seems to have a bigger impact. So the hot cup of coffee, the hot shower the warm towel, the clean sheets and the bed. The, my favorite jeans are clean and I can wear those today. Those things seem to have a stronger hold. Maybe because they're repetition and pattern to them. And because they show up in our lives all the time. So when we start expressing need and, or gratitude in small ways, it expands the gratitude. Versus like one-off things that only happen once in a while. Like I'm grateful for my birthday gifts that I got. Right. That happens once a year. Now that they can't express that, but those small gratitudes seem to be really, really impactful. And then you just practice this and this not only strengthens our, you know, our resiliency and our brain, it also strengthens the family bond and brings you as a group, as a community, as a family closer together. Another strategy that you could use something else that you could do with your child. If you have a kid that likes to write or is expressive, you could invite them to start a gratitude journal. And this is an opportunity for them to reflect. So maybe it's writing, but maybe it's also drawing. If you have a kid, that's an artist that wants to draw. They're just writing or drawing three things about three things that they're grateful for every day. And if they want to deepen that practice, they can also write why they're grateful for those things. So if they're saying that they're grateful for their friend they might say I'm grateful for my friend. Who always makes me laugh when I'm having a rough day. I'm grateful for my mom. Who's always there with a hug. When things are hard, I'm grateful for my favorite pair of jeans. Because it was picture day and I wanted to wear those with my, you know, blue sweater, whatever, whatever it doesn't matter what it is. But then being able to say, I'm grateful this thing for this thing. Why am I grateful for it in trenches? The gratitude into the nervous system a little bit more. And for a little bit of added encouragement. Moms can keep their own gratitude journal and share entries with their teens. So instead of just being like, what are you grateful for? You're saying I'm grateful for these things. I want to share with you today. What I wrote in my journal, right? This helps reinforce the habit and creates a sense of connection through shared appreciation and shared experiences. Another really beneficial way to utilize gratitude. Is in moments of frustration. So when you teach your teens to pause and reflect on something, That they're grateful for. And to feel that gratitude when they're upset, stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated. This can really help them to reset their emotional energy and approach the situation with a calmer and more positive mindset. So this is like, uh, using gratitude as a quick reset. They come to that thing that they're grateful for. They feel it in their heart. They take a few deep breaths. And allow it to shift where they're at energetically and then move forward from there. And as a mom, you can model that by pausing during family conflicts and sharing something that you appreciate with your team or with family dynamic in general. Or the moment which can help to diffuse tension and open doors for healthier communication. So you can just simply say like, Take a breath breath. You're in conflict. I really. Am grateful that you have such a strong sense of self and you're feel empowered enough to communicate. What you're feeling right now to me, I am like, that was a worry I had as a mom, And I'm just so grateful that that's something that lives within you. And I appreciate that about you, right? And then you can kind of move from there and oftentimes it just sidesteps the conflict, honestly. And then you can do kind of smaller little like regular tasks, like creating a gratitude jar, something that like with little slips of paper and actual jar that you can decorate, or they can decorate with little slips of paper that they write down. Everybody writes down something that they're grateful for or something, a little note to somebody else in the house about why they're grateful for them. And you just drop them in the jar as you go. And at the end of the month, you kind of pull them all out and read them. You said it said at the table together and read them. That's a great way to express gratitude and to practice gratitude together. Another one that I like is to that works really well with the law of attraction is to celebrate small wins. So any time. There's a win or a success in some way. That you celebrate it because gratitude doesn't have to be reserved for big moments when your teen appreciates small things, whether it's finishing a homework assignment or making it through a tough day or overcoming a personal challenge, recognizing these small victories helps to build teen self-esteem and fosters a more optimistic view. Of their abilities and their experiences. So it could be something as simple as they come home today. They talked to you about this conflict that they've had with their friends and you talk them through it and you talk about how can they handle this differently tomorrow, or how can they give their friend to call or text their friend and have this conversation with them? How can they get through this struggle and reconnect, and then they, they go and do that thing that may come home. And they tell you about it. You should celebrate that when you celebrate. Not the outcome. So here's the thing. It doesn't matter what the outcome is. If they've worked really hard to effectively communicate a need. And say they put a boundary in place with a friend and the friend does not take that well. Being able to express gratitude for the small win of being able to communicate the boundary. Clearly and effectively with compassion in the way that they wanted to express it. Regardless of how the other person received it. Right. So for schoolwork and might be getting through a project they've been working on, that's been really stressing them out. And not worrying about what the grade is at this, at this juncture, but just simply being like, wow. Let's just sit with the win of passing it in, clicking the submit button and being done with it, celebrate that right. Find the joy and the gratitude and that chapter being done over, knowing that you're going to get feedback or you're going to get a grade. That's fine, but that's not what we're here for. Right. And then finally, as a mom, when you're giving feedback, when you're providing. Any sort of, kind of direction to your child, to your preteen teen adolescent. That really focusing on their strengths is. Super important in this wiring and practicing of gratitude. So when you're providing feedback or navigating conflicts as a mom, you can focus on the fact that your teen has uh, the ability to advocate for themselves, that they put in a lot of effort, right? Praising their effort, appreciating how much effort they put in to their schoolwork E or how much work or effort they've put into improving on their time management skills or how helpful they've been around the house this week. Right. So you're really just kind of focusing on, not like, Hey, I asked you to take care of or clean up the living room, the kitchen. Andrew bedroom. And you only did the living room focusing on the strength of like, thank you so much for getting to the living room. I know you have a lot on your plate. I really appreciate it. Do you think you'll be able to help me with these other things as well? And in what timeframe, right? So the idea here. Is that we're simply targeting in focusing in on the positive. Gratitude strength based situations with our, with our kiddos. Right. Because practicing gratitude is a really powerful way to help your preteen and your teenager develop a positive mindset and emotional resilience by incorporating these simple strategies Welcome back to the peaceful home podcast. My name is Pam God Boyce, and I am your host. And in this episode, we are diving into how practicing gratitude and truly feeling it can positively impact, uh, your preteen or teens mindset. Emotional wellbeing and brain development. And how you as a mom. Can understand and help make that happen. So let's dive in. that we've talked about in today's episode. To develop daily gratitude practices. You can foster a culture of appreciation and optimism and help shape your teen's brain. And their brain development. And emotional wellbeing because when gratitude becomes a habit, Your teen or preteen is more likely to focus on what's working. To cultivate better relationships. And approach challenges with a more positive outlook. So that's what I have for you today. Thank you guys so much for being here. I do have a freebie on gratitude in the show notes, if you'd like to grab that by all means do so. And I look forward to seeing you next week. Take care.