Episode 106: How Early Relationships Shape Our Nervous System

What if your biggest parenting struggles aren’t just about your child—but about your own nervous system?

Those moments when you snap, shut down, or feel completely overwhelmed? They’re not just random. They’re your body’s stress responses, shaped by the attachment patterns you learned long before you became a mom. If you grew up feeling unseen, unheard, or like your emotions were too much, your nervous system may still be running on survival mode—affecting how you react to your child today.

In this episode, we’re diving into the science of attachment and nervous system regulation—why certain parenting moments feel so triggering, how our early experiences wired our stress responses, and, most importantly, how we can start rewriting these patterns to parent from a place of calm, not past pain.

You’ll Learn:

💡 How your attachment style impacts your parenting triggers and stress response
💡 Why your child’s emotions may feel overwhelming (and what that reveals about your own past)
💡 The science behind nervous system dysregulation—and how to shift from reactivity to regulation
💡 Practical co-regulation strategies to help you and your child feel safer, more connected, and emotionally grounded

Ready to go deeper?

If this episode resonates, it’s time to take the next step. Join me inside Living CALM—my signature program designed to help moms heal their nervous system, break free from reactivity, and create emotional safety in their homes.

👉 Join Living CALM Here

Resources & Links:

✨ Join the Living CALM Program – A step-by-step system to help you regulate your emotions, break free from reactivity, and parent with confidence.
✨ Follow Me on Instagram – Daily insights & tools for nervous system regulation and conscious parenting.
✨ Share This Episode! If this resonates, screenshot it and share it on Instagram—tag me @ParentingTherapistPam so I can cheer you on!

Loved this episode? Leaving a review helps more moms find this work and start healing. 💛

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is effectively regulate your nervous system. And a great place to start >> to wire the brain for gratitude. Research tells us that gratitude increases happiness and a peaceful mindset. Make the shift and watch how things in your life start to change. Sign up today! www.pamgodbois.com/gratitude

Transcript

1:04

Have you ever had a moment in parenting when your reaction surprised even you, maybe your child refused to put their shoes on and before you even realized it, you were yelling, or maybe they were crying over something small and you felt yourself shut down, numb and detach, like you just couldn't deal. These aren't just random reactions. They're deeply wired responses, patterns that were set in motion long before you became a mom. The way we react to stress, to our children's emotions, to the chaos of motherhood, it all comes back to one thing, our nervous system. And where does our nervous system learn how to function? In our earliest relationships, the way we were parented, the emotional climate of our childhood, the attachment patterns we experienced, all of it shapes the way we respond to stress, relationships, and emotions. Now today, we're diving into the powerful connection between attachment and the nervous system. We'll explore how early experiences literally wire our stress response. Why some of us get stuck in cycles of overreacting or shutting down, and most importantly, how we can rewire these patterns so we don't pass them down to our kids. If you're a mom feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or like you're running on autopilot, then this episode is for you. So let's dive in for as long as I can remember, I felt responsible for other people's happiness. I grew up in a home where I was told I saved the family just by being born and as a child, I had no way of understanding what that really meant, but my body did. I internalized the belief that my job was to keep the peace, to make sure everyone was okay and to never ever be a burden. What I didn't realize at the time is that this shaped my nervous system. It kept me in a constant state of hyper arousal and hypervigilance. Always scanning for signs of tension, always attuned to the emotions of others before my own. And when you grew up this way, you carried into adulthood, into relationships, and into motherhood. Dr. Dan Siegel's research on attachment and neurobiology shows us that our earliest relationships shape the architecture of our brain. The way our caregivers respond to us or didn't, determines how our nervous system learns to regulate itself. In an environment where there is secure attachment, you get a balanced nervous system if we have caregivers who were emotionally attuned, responsive, and safe, that results in secure attachment. Our nervous system developed a strong foundation of stress, regulation of trust, and an emotional safety. And most importantly, in this scenario, we are able to sit in discomfort and able to experience negative emotions and recognize that they will go away. This is where resilience comes from, and this means we learn to tolerate stress. To regulate our emotions and to build healthy relationships as adults. The anxious attachment is the hyperactive nervous system. Interestingly enough, a lot of us adult women who get diagnosed with A DHD as adults fall into this category. So is it a DHD or is it attachment? Who knows? Maybe it's both. If our caregivers were inconsistent, sometimes present, sometimes withdrawn. We learned to stay on high alert. This can create an anxious attachment style in adulthood leading to people pleasing over-functioning, or fearing abandonment. The nervous system stays stuck in the fight or flight loop. Next up is the avoidant attachment, and this is where your nervous system just kind of shuts down. If our caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive. We learned that relying on others wasn't safe. As adults, this can show up as emotional numbness, shutting down in conflict, or struggling to express our needs. The nervous system default here is the freeze mode when stress arises and finally disorganized attachment. This is the chaotic nervous system. If our caregivers were unpredictable, sometimes loving, sometimes frightening, we didn't know what to expect. This created a nervous system that swings between fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, leading to emotional dysregulation and deep inner conflict. And here is where this gets really important for us as moms. Our nervous systems directly impact how we respond to our kids. If you grew up in a household where emotions weren't handled well, where you had to toughen up or tiptoe around conflict, chances are your body still carries those patterns today. I will never forget standing in the middle of Joanne's fabrics. With my daughter sobbing uncontrollably because she didn't get a toy that she wanted, and in that moment I felt rage bubble up inside me. I could feel it rising, this need to shut her down to make it stop. And then I saw it For the first time, I realized that my reaction had nothing to do with her. I had everything to do with me, with the fact that growing up big emotions weren't safe. I had learned to suppress to keep the peace to be good. So here I was faced with a child who wasn't stuffing her emotions down and my nervous system didn't know how to handle it. This is what happens when old attachment wounds show up in motherhood. We don't just react to our kids, we react to our own unresolved experiences. When we experience stress, especially in parenting, our nervous system doesn't think it reacts. It goes straight to the patterns. It learned in childhood, the ones that kept us emotionally safe when we were young. This isn't something we could consciously choose. It's wiring. So let's break it down. If you grew up in a home where emotions were big and chaotic, like maybe your parents yelled a lot, maybe there was anger, frustration, or overwhelmed filled the space and you felt like you were walking on eggshells. Maybe one moment everything was fine, and the next there was an explosion. You had no idea what triggered it. If this was your experience, your nervous system likely adapted by staying on high alert. Your body learned that emotions, especially big ones, meant danger. So now as a mom, when your child has meltdown and pushes back, your nervous system registers this as a threat. You might find yourself snapping, yelling, or feeling instantly flooded with frustration. You might feel your whole body tense up, your jaw clench or your heart start racing. You might feel like their emotions are too much, just like the ones that you grew up around. And then there's the guilt because once the storm has passed, you regret it. You wonder why you couldn't just stay calm. But the truth is this response isn't coming from logic. It's coming from a nervous system that learned that emotions equal chaos. If you grew up in a home where emotions were ignored or dismissed, maybe your parents were emotionally unavailable, maybe you were told to stop crying or just get over it. Maybe no one ever asked, Hey, how are you really feeling? If this was your experience, your nervous system likely adapts by shutting down emotions completely. Your body learned that expressing emotions wasn't safe, so it stop trying. Now as a mom, when your child has big feelings, your nervous system registers that it's overwhelming something you don't know how to handle. You might feel yourself emotionally shutting down, wanting to escape or ignore the situation. You might default to, you are fine, or this isn't a big deal, not because you don't care, but because you never learned how to sit with emotions. You might scroll your phone or walk away or completely disconnect in the moment. And again, after it's over, you might feel guilty. You might think, why can't I just be more present? Why do I freeze when my child needs me? But again, this isn't about choosing to react this way. It's about the way your nervous system was trained to handle emotions. I had one of these moments not too long ago. It was late. I was exhausted and my daughter was having a moment, big emotions, tears, frustration over something. That, to me, felt small, but to me it also felt like something that I couldn't fix and I could feel it happening. The heat rising inside me. That instinct to yell, to shut it down, to say enough, just stop. I could feel the rage bubbling up, but then in a split second, I saw it. I saw me. I saw a younger version of myself who had been told to stop crying to be easy to not be a burden. And I realized that in that moment, if I yelled, if I shut her down, I wasn't just reacting to her. I was reacting to my own past. I was reenacting the very pattern. I swore that I would break. This is what happens when old wounds show up in motherhood. We don't just react to our kids, we react to our own unresolved experiences. The good news, your nervous system can be rewired. That's the best part, right? We aren't stuck the way our nervous systems are wired in childhood doesn't have to be the way it stays. If you find yourself snapping and overreacting, you can learn to regulate your nervous system before it takes over. If you find yourself shutting down, you can learn to reconnect, to stay present, even when emotions feel big. We do this through nervous system regulation, through somatic healing and re-parenting ourselves, all of which I teach inside Living Calm. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to do this alone. You don't have to pass down what was passed down to you. You don't have to stay stuck in old reactions. You can break the cycle. And it starts by understanding how your body is wired and giving yourself the tools to heal. All right. Now that we know why our nervous system racks the way it does, let's talk about how we actually start rewiring these responses so we can parent from a place of calm rather than past conditioning. Because let's be real. Willpower alone doesn't work. You can tell yourself all day, next time I won't yell. Next time I'll be patient. But when you're triggered, your nervous system hijacks your best intentions. So instead of relying on thoughts, to change your reactions, we have to go deeper into our body, our breath, and our nervous system. Here's where to start. First and foremost, you have to recognize what your triggers are, like noticing what specifically disregulates you, because it's different for all of us. Before you can change a reaction, you have to catch it in real time. Most of us don't even realize we've flipped into a dysregulated state until we're already in it. Until we're yelling, shutting down, or feeling completely overwhelmed. So your job is to start tracking your patterns. Ask yourself, what are the situations where I feel the most reactive in parenting? What specifically sets me off? Is it being ignored, disrespected? Is it big emotions? Is it chaos? And finally, what does it feel like in my body before I snap or shut down? Let's say your biggest trigger is when your child doesn't listen. You ask them to put their shoes on, they keep playing. You remind them, they ignore you. Suddenly your heart is pounding, your breath is shallow, and you're about to lose it over a shoe. But is it really about the shoe or is it because as a kid you felt unheard, dismissed, and like your needs didn't matter? Recognizing the root of your trigger is powerful because once you name it, you can work on changing it. So next step is we pause and regulate using a simple breathwork practice to calm the nervous system. So now you've noticed the trigger in real time, your nervous system is activated. This is a very simple process. You pause, regulate, and reset. This is where breath work is a game changer. When you take slow controlled breaths, you send a signal to your brain that you're safe, you also activate the vagus nerve. A simple practice is to breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Hold for a count of four, and exhale slowly through your nose or mouth for a count of six to eight. We call this extended exhale. The longer exhale tells your nervous system. We are not in danger. We don't need to react from survival mode. Examples of when you might use this, your kids melting down in the grocery store. Instead of snapping, you stop. Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly. This split second recent gives your brain the chance to choose how to respond instead of reacting impulsively, this tiny pause, it changes everything. Next up is you have to reframe the narrative. You have to see your child's behavior differently. So once you've paused, it's time to shift your perspective. Instead of thinking, my child is being difficult, they're doing this on purpose. Why won't they just listen? Try. My child's having a hard time. They don't have the skills to regulate yet. They're not giving me a hard time. They're having a hard time. And this works because our thoughts shape our reactions. If we assume our child is being difficult, we react with difficulty, frustration, anger, power, struggles. But if we see them as struggling, our response becomes more compassionate and effective. Next up is by far the most powerful and the most challenging. It's to co-regulate with your child your child's nervous system is wired to attune to yours. If you are escalated, they will escalate. If you stay calm, you help them regulate. This is called co-regulation. It's how kids learn emotional safety, and I will be honest. A securely attached child has a parent that can co-regulate with them. Here's an example. Your child is screaming because they can't have a candy bar for dinner. Instead of snapping enough, stop crying, which teaches'em to suppress emotions. Try this ground yourself first. Hold your hands over your heart slowly exhale. Acknowledge their feelings. I see that you're really upset right now. Offer a tool. Let's take a breath together. Would you like a hug? When you stay calm, their nervous system sinks to yours over time. This teaches them how to regulate. Next up is to rewire by getting into the body. And so some of the tools we use are EFT, tapping, breath work, nervous system regulation, somatic healing. This is where the deeper healing happens because triggers don't just live in the mind, they live in the body. If you're carrying unprocessed childhood stress. Trauma or emotional suppression, it doesn't just go away because you know better, you have to actively release it. Here are some ways how EFT Tapping or Emotional Freedom Technique helps to release stored emotional responses. It calms the nervous system in real time and helps rewire the subconscious stress patterns. Here's an example. If you feel stressed, you can gently tap on specific acupressure points while repeating a calming phrase. Like, even though I feel overwhelmed right now, I am safe. Even though I feel unheard, I am learning to express myself. This physically interrupts a stress response and trains your nervous system. Stay calm in similar situations. Another practice. It is shaking or movement. This releases stuck stress intention, and it helps the body reset after a stressful moment. Here's an example, after a rough parenting moment. Put on a song and shake out your arms and legs and shoulders, literally shake the stress out of your body. It seems small, but it's a powerful way to complete the stress cycle. And finally, breath work and cold exposure. Breath work calms your body in the moment. Cold exposures like cold showers, ice packs, even stepping outside in the winter when it's cold out. Trains your nervous system to tolerate stress. Here's an example. If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, splashing cold water on your face, or hold a cold ice cube, this brings your nervous system out of the fight or flight mode. And a great place to do that is to take an ice pack and the side of the neck, one side and then the other. This activates, um, the relaxation response in the body. You wouldn't think it does, but it actually does and will pull you out of that stress response. Here's the thing. This work isn't just for you, it's for them. Because when you regulate your nervous system, when you choose calm over chaos, when you show them that emotions are safe. You're giving them the gift of a regulated nervous system. Your child's future reactions, relationships, and stress responses are being shifted right now by how you handle these moments. And if this feels overwhelming, if you're thinking, how do I even begin? This is exactly why I created Living Calm, because you don't have to figure it out alone. Inside Living Calm. I teach you the exact tools you need to regulate your nervous system, shift your emotional patterns, and break these cycles so your kids don't have to carry what you did. Because when we heal, they don't have to inherit our wounds. They inherit our wisdom. If today's episode resonated with you, share it with another mom who could use it. Join me inside Living Calm, shoot me a DM on Instagram and let me know that you're listening or leave a review. And inside the show notes, you will find a link to join us inside Living Calm. I hope to see you there. Take care, and I'll see you next week.